How Long Is Too Long to Wait for a Man Who Has Married His Cousin?

I met him on campus on a day I wasn’t even looking for anything serious. I was visiting the poolside, minding my business, enjoying the noise and laughter around me, when he struck up a conversation. It felt effortless. Natural. Before I knew it, we had exchanged contacts, and what started as casual chats slowly grew into friendship. From friendship, love crept in quietly, without announcement.

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We dated for about seven months before he began doing things that made me believe this was heading somewhere real. He didn’t hide me. Instead, he introduced me to the most important people in his life. I met his mother. I met his pastor. I met his mentors. Each introduction came with meaning. Each handshake felt like a promise. In my heart, I said to myself, “No man does this if he is not serious.”

He would say things like, “I want the people who matter to me to know you, because you’re part of my future.” Those words settled deep inside me. They planted hope. They built certainty. We spoke openly about marriage, not as a distant dream, but as something we would plan when the time was right.

About a year and a half into our relationship, he got the opportunity to travel to the UK. It wasn’t easy watching him leave, but we both agreed it was for a better future—for our future. We promised each other consistency, honesty, and patience. And to be fair, communication continued well. We talked often. We prayed together. We made plans across distance.

One year after he relocated, he told me he wanted to marry me. I remember how my heart leapt when he said it. He said, “Once we marry, you’ll join me here. We’ll finally be together.”

But then reality hit us hard. His family refused. No matter how much he tried to convince them, they stood their ground. They told him instead of taking me abroad with him, he should rather take his cousin instead. According to them, it was more convenient. More acceptable. Easier for paperwork. Easier for family structure. I watched from afar as decisions about my life were being made without me. Eventually, they “worked things out.” His cousin traveled to the UK and joined him not as a visitor, not as a temporary arrangement but as his legal wife.

He has now been gone for almost four years. Yet he keeps saying, “I will come and marry you. I’m just working on my stay extension.” Every time he says it, my heart wants to believe him, but my mind keeps asking questions my heart is tired of answering.

In these years, I’ve met good men. Men who came properly. Men who spoke to my family. Men who asked for my hand in marriage without conditions or delays. But I turned them all away. Not because they weren’t good enough but because I believed in faithfulness. I believed that waiting was proof of love.

My family is worried. They ask questions I don’t have answers to. They remind me that he has never been introduced to them, even after all these years. My mother once asked gently, “My daughter, are you sure you are not waiting for someone who has already moved on?”

I had no reply. My family suggests suitors to me. They bring names. They bring proposals. And each time, I say no. Not because I enjoy waiting, but because I don’t want to be unfaithful. I don’t want to betray the years I’ve already invested. I keep telling myself, “He will come. He promised.”

But promises don’t hug you at night. Promises don’t silence family pressure. Promises don’t stop time. This year, I’m in my 30s. That fact sits heavy in my spirit. I ask myself questions I’m scared to answer. How do I know he will truly marry me? What assurance do I really have after almost five years? What can he possibly do now to prove that I’m not just an option waiting on the sidelines of his life?

Sometimes I replay everything from the beginning and wonder if I misunderstood love for intention. I wonder if meeting his mother and pastor meant as much to him as it did to me. I wonder if I’m being faithful or simply afraid to let go.

He says, “Just be patient with me.” But patience without clarity feels like punishment. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m asking for certainty. I’m asking for action. I’m asking for something tangible, something that tells me my life is not on pause for nothing. I don’t know what hurts more: the thought that he might never come, or the fear that I may wake up one day and realize I waited too long.

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So here I am, standing between loyalty and self-preservation. Between love and reality. Between the woman I promised to be and the woman time is forcing me to become. Am I waiting for marriage or I’m slowly being written out of the story? What do I do? Keep waiting or listen to my family and move on?

—Martha

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