Do Women Really Like Bad Boys More?

The idea that nice guys finish last, and that women prefer bad boys, is a long-standing and well-worn trope in our culture. Examples seem to abound of guys who have little by way of money or job, but seem to exude a natural rebellious charm that women go crazy for. On the flipside, milquetoast nice guys who can’t seem to get a date would seem to abound. But is this anecdotal evidence proof of anything? Or just a sign of widespread confirmation bias? RELATED: 5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive Moreover, when you dig into it, many believe that the so-called “nice guys” are not actually even that nice, and that the so-called “bad boys” may not be so bad either. So what does this all mean? In order to get to the bottom of it, AskMen spoke to a handful of dating experts, as well as people who date men, to see if we could clarify the bad boy/nice guy debate once and for all. Here’s what they had to say: Do Women Really Like Bad Boys? The first thing that’s useful to remember is that, like any gender, women aren’t a monolith. So even if some women find the ‘bad boy’ archetype attractive, to say that all women do is plainly untrue, even without taking lesbians and asexual women into account. So the question might then be better phrased as: Do significantly more women find bad boys more attractive than nice guys? And it’s not clear that this is the case, either. “Most women I hear from are looking for someone who is kind and respectful,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject. “The biggest complaint I hear nowadays is probably that men aren't being gentlemen!” “The notion of ‘women liking bad boys’ sometimes comes from men with ‘nice guy’ syndrome, who get rejected by women and don't want to face what actually caused them to be rejected, so they claim it’s just because they're so nice and women prefer men who are less ‘nice,’” she suggests. However, there is some truth to the notion that bad boys have a certain attractive quality to them, Weiss admits. “There also may be elements of the cultural construction of masculinity that favor ‘bad boys,’” she says. “Society says that men should be bold, brave, and strong and not give a fuck. Someone who takes risks and breaks the rules may fit this ideal, and to an extent, this may be what people (of all genders) are conditioned to see as ‘cool.’” “There’s also an element of dominance to the bad boy archetype, which is also part of the societal ideal of masculinity,” Weiss notes. On the flip side, she says, “Some women may be attracted to bad boys because they tend to follow the rules and play it safe, so they are attracted to someone who is their opposite.” “All of the dudes I date are ‘bad boys’ that have nice boy qualities. My heart and mind scream, ‘I can change him!’” - Chelle, 33 “I think there are two different things going on when the term ‘bad boy’ is used,” says psychotherapist Rachel Goldberg, LMFT. “The first is somebody who is confident and assertive, knows what they want, and can communicate that clearly. They have healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self. They may be categorized as a ‘bad boy’ in certain contexts because they don't put up with certain things or may seem aloof in certain circumstances.” RELATED: Here's How to Communicate Your Needs While Dating “However, I think what is often meant by ‘bad boy’ is someone who isn't able to commit, or who is risk-taking,” Goldberg adds. “When a woman is attracted to someone like that, it is often a result of her not truly knowing what she wants, or being attracted to something others are drawn to, and not truly being secure with herself. This type of person who is still working on her own true needs and desires and may go for someone she deems a ‘bad boy,’ which mostly means someone who is not truly available to her.” “I think I’ve been attracted to the ‘bad boy’ because a) going for unavailable people who have a higher chance of treating me like shit helps to reinforce negative thoughts I have of myself and b) it’s a sort of enabling that I know I can be my worst self because they’re not great either. All in all, not good for the mental. I would be so down for boring at this point in my life.” - Billie, 31 “Most women who've reached a place where they know who they are and own their value want a partner, which is a good guy who’s responsible and supportive,” says Jeanne Sullivan Billeci, dating expert at The Soul Mate Coach. “However, the caveat is the good guy must be confident, comfortable in his skin and not a pushover, for a woman to feel like he is interesting, sexy and safe,” she notes. “She doesn't want a low-self-esteem guy where she has to take on the role of a mother or boss to shape him into a partner. She wants someone who’s supportive, but who can grow with her.” The Pros & Cons of Bad Boys vs. Nice Guys If you’re someone who sees themself as more of a nice guy, you might see the bad guys as having it all. But the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of pitfalls to being someone who embodies those traits. “If you truly are a person who vacillates with knowing what you want and need emotionally in a relationship, and aren’t able to communicate or commit, you’re unlikely to maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship,” says Godlberg. “Consequently, conflict will likely persist in any relationships you pursue.” “Fundamentally, the ‘bad boy’ doesn’t attract healthy, close relationships,” says Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT and author. “They attract relationships that ultimately end up being toxic for one or both people. If you want a long-lasting relationship, being a kind, respectful, authentic man is essential.” “Whether I consciously followed this or not, it wasn't until I got myself through therapy and a lot of pain that I stopped dating the 'bad boy'. Men who are 'bad' in all their iterations (not caring/trying, struggle with all the usual tropes bad boys supposedly do) now turn me off, thank god.” - Syd, 30 Bad-boy behavior also makes dating harder for everyone, including both men and women — because women who’ve had a history of getting their hearts broken by these so-called bad boys become more jaded and defensive over time, says Sullivan Billeci. “They often opt out of dating or have become so defensive they can't even see that nice guys who want to be a partner exist,” she explains. “They don't feel comfortable letting their guard down with a nice guy because they're afraid it’s an act. It just creates a toxic dating culture that takes me a while as a coach to unravel for my clients so they can build genuine connections and romantic partnerships.” RELATED: The Benefits of Being in a Serious Relationship “Above anything else, women want to be treated with respect,” says Weiss. “If you act like you don't care about a woman, that is going to backfire.” Is the Bad Boy Going Extinct? Another factor to consider is the way the perception of the ‘bad boy’ has evolved over time. Whatever percentage of women find them attractive on some level, today, it’s arguable that the idea of actually dating or trying to have a relationship with one may be falling out of favor. “I think there may have been a shift towards appreciating a man who is more able to reflect on his emotions and be forthcoming with what he wants,” says Goldberg. “I think part of this is due to the plethora of options that online dating has created, where people feel more comfortable stating what they are truly searching for (hook-up, open relationship, polyamory, commitment, etc).” “Additionally,” she says, “with mental health being much more openly discussed, the idea of a more emotionally cut-off, commitment-phobe ‘bad boy’ isn’t as alluring.” Another aspect, Sullivan Billeci notes, is the way gender is framed today. RELATED: Toxic Things That Society Encourages in Men “I do think as the perception of gender roles has evolved and become less traditional in terms of masculine vs. feminine, it has helped men and women become more authentic, and value women with masculine traits and men who are in touch with their feminine or sensitive side,” she says. “In addition,” says Weiss, “so many women right now are fed up with men who don't treat them right — e.g. fuckboys — that they really do just want a nice guy.” “I used to be obsessed with bad boys; now I’m big on nice guys. But I love reading bad boy erotica.” - Jaime, 33 In short, in a culture where women have higher standards for partnership and more complex expectations of what men (and relationships with them) can and should be, the role of the stereotypical bad boy seems like it may be losing ground. Bad Boy Traits That Can Truly Benefit Nice Guys Even though bad boys might be a bit less culturally attractive today than they used to be, and even if there are a number of reasons you might not want to be one, lots of nice-guy types probably dream of what life would be like if they were more of a bad boy. RELATED: Why Women Go for the Nice Guy in the End On some level, that’s only natural — and it’s a curiosity that some people are looking to exploit, says Sullivan Billeci. “Unfortunately there are greedy or wounded coaches out there,” she says, who preach the use of “manipulative tactics that prey on women's insecurities.” But besides those kinds of PUA shenanigans, is wondering what you’d be like if you were a little more ‘bad’ a productive thought experiment? “I do not think it is beneficial for a shy or meek guy to take on bad boy characteristics if those traits are not aligned with who he authentically is or if it means trying to ‘play a game’ (i.e. purposely make themselves unavailable),” says Goldberg. “It’s also not beneficial for someone to try to change who they are for someone else because they won’t be able to maintain the façade over time.” That being said, that doesn’t mean that so-called nice guys can’t learn a thing or two from what’s genuinely attractive about so-called bad boys. RELATED: Dating Tips for Shy Guys “The one characteristic of the archetypal ‘bad boy’ that might benefit more shy or nerdy men is confidence. It is always sexy to feel comfortable in your body and sure of what you have to offer,” says Weiss. “A bad boy, in its best form, is just someone with a playful spirit who likes to go on adventures. You can take that with you and drop the rest.” People don't want someone who treats others with disdain or indifference or who lives on the edge to the point of stupidity. Even if someone is sexually attracted to ‘bad boys,’ kindness and caring go much further in forming the foundation for a healthy relationship.” Although one other thing can be said for the bad boy type — he often looks cooler than the nice guy. “If you want to step into a more bold, confident persona inspired by the ‘bad boy’ archetype, you could experiment with fashion choices such as wearing a black jacket or a T-shirt for a rock band you like,” says Weiss. RELATED: How to Dress for Power, Explained “Not to impress anyone or pretend to be someone you're not, but to playfully experiment with bringing out a certain side of yourself,” she says. “See if you show up in the world any differently when you're giving yourself this visual cue.” “Bad boy aesthetics separate from behavior (leather jacket, motorcycle, whiskey, etc.) are attractive. Rebellion from the status quo is attractive when it means fighting for progressive values, not when it means doing whatever you want without considering others (more ‘freedom fighter’ than ‘bad boy’ maybe). ‘Bad boy,’ meaning a man who doesn't really care about his girlfriend and has to be ‘tamed’ into loving her, is actively unattractive.” - Lauren, 36 “If we are defining “bad boy” as someone who is confident, independent, assertive, emotionally stable, and can communicate what he wants in a relationship effectively, that can be very attractive compared to someone who stays in their shell and is perceived as the nice, shy guy,” says Goldberg. “However, if someone is trying to give off the vibe that they are an impulsive risk-taker who doesn’t care for commitment (the typical colloquial meaning of ‘bad boy’), then a nice guy at the core will find it challenging and incongruent to who they are trying to create that vibe,” she notes. It’s also worth noting that it’s possible to express seemingly nice-guy traits in a bad-boy way. “Sometimes what we call ‘bad’ in a man is his willingness to go against the grain,” says Nash Wright, a dating/relationship coach. “An attractive man is one who is willing to take risks.” Thus, he notes, “One excellent way to stand out as a man is to express how you feel.” “The perfect ratio is 90% nice guy with 10% edge. I ended up marrying this combo.” - Samantha, 36 “Attractive men are often expressing what they want,” Wright explains. “Rather than trying to be bad (or nice, for that matter), men can be taught to express how they feel, their wants, their desires, in strong ways.” RELATED: How to Build Confidence When Dealing With Self-Image Issues Ultimately, “if you identify as meek or shy, consider what qualities you think of as a ‘bad boy’ that you’d like to embody truly,” says Mazzola Wood. “For instance, maybe you think bad boys are confident,” she says. “Are there ways you can authentically cultivate more confidence i.e., applying for jobs you want, going back to school, or learning public speaking skills. Cultivating more attractive skills authentically is of course going to be appealing to some potential partners, but the intention here is different than just embodying the ‘bad-boy’ type. You can cultivate more attractive aspects of yourself without becoming ‘bad.’” You Might Also Dig: Why Women Like Tall Guys & What Short Guys Can Do About ItWhat Women Find Sexy, Revealed Non-Sexual Things That Women Find Wildly Erotic