Can Having a Threesome Completely Ruin a Relationship?

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several. The Question Hi Dating Nerd, I finally made my dreams come true a few weeks ago — my girlfriend and I had a threesome with a mutual friend of ours. She’s someone that we’d both discussed our attraction to in the past, and one night, things just kind of naturally progressed in that direction. It was probably the single hottest night of my life. We all felt really in sync, switching back and forth between each other seamlessly with no awkward moments. I couldn’t stop raving about it afterward, but rather than sharing my enjoyment, my girlfriend started snapping at me when I brought it up, and has been acting difficult and distant ever since. I’m at a loss — she’s never acted like this before, and I’m worried. Can a threesome ruin a relationship? What the hell is going on?  — Triangular Trent The Answer Dear Trent,  Making a sexual dream come true can leave you feeling fulfilled, or it can mean a realization of a few different bad things.  It could mean you realize that you’re still not happy, seeking something more in the sexual sense. It could reset your standards for you, meaning you’re now incapable of being content with what you used to have. It could go badly, and make you realize you’d spent all that time fantasizing about something you don’t even enjoy.  In the case of having a threesome, it could go perfectly in your eyes, but then have unintended consequences in your relationship.  Some people will tell you that the best kind of threesome is meticulously planned down to the smallest detail, while others will suggest not planning anything and to just feel the moment. There are people who advocate for inviting a complete stranger into your bed, and there are those who swear up and down that it’s better to do it with someone you know and trust.  In short, a good threesome is in the eye of the beholder, but one aspect of threesomes that doesn’t get enough discussion is what happens afterward.  Specifically, the first time you have a threesome just might be the first time you’ll watch your partner having sex with someone else. If you’re the type of couple where an air of compersion reigns— that is, your partner’s sexual gratification makes you happy — that’s great. But if you’re the type of couple who struggles with jealousy, watching each other pleasuring and being pleasured by another person might have a serious impact on your dynamic.  Even when consensual, it can still feel strange to have this visual in your head — your partner’s mouth on someone else’s body, their hand on your partner’s genitals and so on. To someone who struggles with jealousy, it can all feel a bit like cheating.  RELATED: The Different Levels of Cheating, Explained That’s not to say that you’ve cheated on her by engaging in a mutually agreed-upon threesome. If you hadn’t had any real groundwork-laying conversations beforehand, you might not have known exactly what she needed from you in terms of post-threesome behavior. Maybe three-way sex is perfectly kosher, but hearing you talk about sex with another woman (even if she was part of it) feels too much like you raving about a hookup you’d had with someone else.  Think about it — after a threesome with another guy, if she’d raved and raved about how great that was, wouldn’t you feel a little jealous?  Wouldn’t you wonder, “What was so great about it? Is he a better lover than me? Is she more attracted to him than me? Can he satisfy her in ways I can’t? Am I just not enough for her?”  Some version of those thoughts is likely running through your girlfriend’s head when you say, “Wow, that threesome was the best thing ever.”  Some people can handle that type of inner doubt, but lots of people can’t. If you want to fix things in your relationship, you need to recognize that whatever her mid-threesome thoughts were, after the threesome, the tone can shift a little bit. Right now, she’s feeling vulnerable. Go to her and acknowledge the validity of those feelings. Make her feel desirable, noting the threesome was fun because trying something new and exciting with her was deeply gratifying, and you’ll be able to make things right. You Might Also Dig:  How to Find a Third Partner for a Threesome Here’s What It’s Like to Actually Have a Threesome Best Threesome Positions, Illustrated