AskFemme: I Think She's Faking Her Orgasms. What Do I Do?

Welcome to AskFemme, our new sex column that’s all about demystifying female desire. My name is Sophie Saint Thomas, and I’m going to be answering all your sex questions — because for all the men who sleep with women, the best advice for getting better in bed is going to come from a woman. I will do my best to be nice, but one thing I won’t be is dishonest. Women still aren’t having enough orgasms, and men still seem super confused about that, so the point of this column is to help bridge that gap with some genuine openness and clarity about the nitty-gritty of sex. The Question: “Dear AskFemme, I think she's faking orgasms. How can I tell or talk to her about it?” - Jake, 38, Washington D.C. The Answer: Dear Jake, First off, I want you to relax and take a deep breath. Research from 2019 indicates that 58.8 percent of female respondents reported having ever faked an orgasm. And honestly, that figure seems low. The common fear is that if your partner is faking orgasms, you must be bad in bed. She will surely leave you, or cheat on you. The 2024 Nicole Kidman movie Babygirl is basically entirely about that premise. But the truth of the matter is that, regardless of gender or anatomy, someone faking their orgasms is not a sign that their partner isn’t sexy, or skilled in bed, or even aware of their kinks and fantasies. But the truth is, some people, often women or people with vaginas, struggle to cum even with thoughtful, caring and attentive partners. If they feel like they have to cum in order to make a partner happy, faking it can often seem like the easiest route. For everyone, but especially for women, sex isn’t just about the physical — things like your oral sex technique, how you move your hips, or use your hands. It’s also mental. The biggest sex organ truly is the brain. It’s why in highly aroused situations, such as at a sex party or while watching porn, it’s so much easier to cum. Long-term relationships provide deep love, security, and emotional support, but having sex with the same person every night, no matter how cozy and wonderful, just isn’t the most high-octane experience. Sometimes women ake orgasms because they do like what’s happening, and want you to know that. Someone once told me that she thought faking orgasms even made it easier to actually have one, as it took the pressure off. As a woman, it can be hard to cum if your partner is obviously waiting for it, even if they mean well. RELATED: Why You Need to Care Less About the Female Orgasm So how to talk to her about it? I would advise against sitting down and sternly, and likely insecurely, blabbering: “Are you faking it?” The majority of people in this situation would get scared, defensive, and might double down by lying to you. If you don’t have a lot of experience with it, talking about sex can be awkward, so it’s typically best to approach it from a positive mindset. Rather, say something like, “Are there any fantasies you’d like to explore?” or “What’s something exciting you’d like to try in bed?” Once you start having sex that really, truly turns her on, she won’t need to fake it. I also highly suggest watching porn together. It offers a way for her to show you, visually, what turns her on, and as an added bonus, she will be so turned on from watching porn that she won’t need to fake it. I’m not saying you need to do this every time, but it can help to get the ball rolling. Let’s say, like Nicole Kidman's Babygirl character, she yearns to be submissive and is harboring secret BDSM fantasies. You figure that out, and add spanking, degradation, and dirty talk, and she starts cumming more easily. However, realistically, in long-term relationships, a full kink scene is unrealistic every time you have sex. For nights when you just want cozy under-the-covers missionary sex, just add a vibrator. RELATED: How to Introduce Sex Toys Into Your Relationship Again, I would not frame this as “I know you’re faking it, so let’s use a vibrator,” but frame it as, “I care about you, your pleasure is important to me, I know it can be harder for people with your anatomy to orgasm than mine, so here’s a little vibrator to make it easier.” There’s no shame in this. That 2019 study I mentioned earlier has a happy ending. Just because a woman has faked orgasms, doesn’t mean she will for life. 67.3 percent of those who had ever faked orgasm no longer did! That means that if you’re able to find out what really turns her on, and add a vibrator for the nights when you’re both feeling lazy, this likely won’t be an ongoing issue. Which is a win for you, but most importantly, a win for her. The fact that you’re asking this shows you care about her pleasure, which is why I know you’ll be able to talk to her. Just keep it positive and solution-based, rather than calling her out, and you’ll solve this. You Might Also Dig: How to Buy Her a Sex ToyHow to Make a Woman OrgasmFake vs. Real Orgasms