AskFemme: How Do Men Stay Hard at Sex Parties?

Welcome to AskFemme, our new sex column that’s all about demystifying female desire. My name is Sophie Saint Thomas, and I’m going to be answering all your sex questions — because for all the men who sleep with women, the best advice for getting better in bed is going to come from a woman. I will do my best to be nice, but one thing I won’t be is dishonest. Women still aren’t having enough orgasms, and men still seem super confused about that, so the point of this column is to help bridge that gap with some genuine openness and clarity about the nitty-gritty of sex. The Question: How do other men always seem hard at sex parties? I get too nervous to have a boner. - Noah, 27, Los Angeles The Answer: Dear Noah, I’m so sorry that no one ever told you this, but all those other men are using Viagra, or some variant.  Yes, there may be the rare man who is so confident, so sure of himself, that he’s rock hard at a sex party without pharmaceutical assistance, but it’s rare. He probably has some super-specific kink about people-watching and even then… I’m telling you, he’s on Viagra! Most experienced sex party attendees with penises understand that to stay hard despite the audience (and, to be able to enjoy multiple rounds), erectile dysfunction meds (although in this case, it’s erectile enhancement) medication is a must. But let me be clear on something. I say “Viagra,” because that’s the word that’s become synonymous with boner pills, but Viagra is a name-brand medicine that is more expensive than what you need to pay. RELATED: Everything You Need to Know About Erectile Dysfunction The generic version of Viagra is called sildenafil. It’s not only affordable, but today, you don’t even have to go to the doctor’s office to get it. You can just jump on a Zoom call, and as long as you don’t have underlying medical conditions (like something going on with your heart, high blood pressure, or kidney disease), it’s shockingly easy to get a prescription. There are some concerns that regular use of these meds isn’t great for your heart. Because they work by dilating blood vessels to improve blood flow, it can lower blood pressure in a way that’s not ideal for folks with cardiovascular disease. But if you’re healthy, especially if you’re only using it once in a while to attend sex parties, you’ll be fine. No matter how many advancements we’ve made, we still live in a patriarchal society. What people don’t talk about enough is how much that hurts men. Because men are still in control (we’ve never had a woman president!), cis men are often the ones left out of discussions about gender and sexual expectations, just because it’s assumed that you’ve got it under control. RELATED: Here’s How to Treat Your Erectile Dysfunction People are like, oh, he’s a dude. Look at all his privilege! He’s fine. It’s assumed that because you have a penis, there’s so much going for you that we don’t need to invest the same amount of time into your well-being and safety when it comes to things like sex parties. But this isn’t fair! It isn’t fair at all. You’re still a human with a mind and heart and soul. And the world truly acts like you’re supposed to be able to get hard on command, even with an audience. While people with vaginas can hide, at least from people watching, the fact that they might not be super wet due to stage fright, or just fix the problem easily with lube, with penises, there’s no hiding anything. So, one more time, in case no one ever told you, because they assume you have it too good: those men with the rock-hard erections at sex parties are almost certainly all taking sildenafil. As a reminder, with great power comes great responsibility. If you have a medically induced erection, you’re going to want to use it. Consent, communication, and following the by-laws of whatever event you’re attending are more important than ever. Bring lube and condoms. Yeah, the event probably has them, but you can never be too prepared. So, where can you find this? Companies like Hims or Ro offer discreet virtual visits and super-fast turnaround time. If you already have a doctor you trust, of course, go see them, but there’s no reason to spend an afternoon in the doctor’s office if you don’t have to. So get your meds, talk to your partner, be a decent human, carry condoms and lube with the same urgency that you stash your boner pills, and if you see a guy in the corner, alone, making sad faces at a sex party, or perhaps with mean partner berating him for not being able to get hard, loop him in on the secret. Everyone’s taking boner pills. You Might Also Dig: This Is What It’s Really Like to Participate in an OrgyWhat It's Like to Conquer Your Erectile Issues Str8Curious: What Are Gay Sex Parties Like?