Answering Kids’ Hardest Questions: “What If I Keep Failing at Something No Matter How Hard I Try?”

This article is part of the Answering Kids’ Hardest Questions series.

Unmet Expectations

It can be so hard to try your best at something and not have the outcome that you expect. Adults struggle with this and wrangle over the ramifications for their identity and their self-worth, so you can only imagine how hard it is for kids when they come to you and say, “I tried so hard, but I just keep failing.”

Our family experienced this firsthand recently. My kids are rock climbers, and my son performed well above what anyone would’ve expected during his first year of competing. When he came into the championship, however, we could tell right away that something was wrong. His nerves had gotten the better of him, and the moment he reached for the first hold, we could tell that he was struggling. He wound up placing at a much lower rank than what he’d hoped, and the next few days to even weeks afterwards were spent with tears, hugs, prayers, and many long discussions with our Bibles open as we tried to guide him toward an understanding of his identity and worth that was rooted not in his score on the rock wall but rather in Christ.

The messaging that our kids receive from school, from peers, from social media, and in the broader culture is that their worth is defined not by Christ and not by the fact that they are image-bearers of God, but rather by their accomplishments. Depression and anxiety are steadily increasing among kids, in part because they’re constantly feeling pressure to perform in a society that tells them that they’re only as good as their next achievement.

Counter to that, the gospel offers a radically different message. We learn from the Bible that we need a Savior precisely because we can’t redeem ourselves by our own efforts. Whereas the world would say that our significance is only as long as our CV, the Bible teaches us that our worth and dignity are ingrained from birth because God fashions us in his image.

We learn from the Bible that we need a Savior precisely because we can’t redeem ourselves by our own efforts.

And while the world pushes us to constantly do more with our own hands, we actually know from Scripture that we most magnify Christ’s power in our weakness. And so when your kids come to you with concerns that they’re failing or that they’re just not achieving what they hope, rather than despair, even though your heart might be breaking, use these as opportunities to instill in your kids the freedom of the gospel and the truth that their worth has nothing to do with what they achieve but everything to do with what God has done for them in Christ and from the fact that they are beloved, from birth, as an image bearer of him.

Thanks be to God that in our own family, after discussing these truths over a period of days to weeks, my son finally came down one morning with a pensive look on his face. He plopped down across from me at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, I’ve realized something. I think God was humbling me through this. I think that my ranking held a place in my heart that belonged to him.”

The next year he competed again, and he placed fourth, and we rejoiced with him over that. But his dad and I rejoiced all the more at what we saw God doing in his heart. When his coach mentioned that if he’d climbed just one hold higher then he would’ve gotten second place, my son shrugged and said, “Yeah, but then I would’ve bumped my friend out of third place, and I’m so happy for him that he has a medal.” And then he said, “Some things are more important than my ranking.”

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Kathyrn Butler is the author of The Dream Keeper Saga.

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