After 7 Years of Dating, My Mom Brought Another Man and Said He Was My Husband

My mom walked into my room one early morning around 5 a.m. She woke me up from my sleep and asked my age. I was confused. “You woke me up just to ask my age? Who born me—myself or you?” She started, “My point is, you’re not growing any younger. Next year, you’ll be thirty. At this age, you shouldn’t have a boyfriend. You should have a husband.”

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I retorted, “But Mom, I’m still with Kobby. We are getting there little by little. It takes patience.” She answered, “Over five years is not patience. It’s a waste of time. If he would marry you, he would have.”

Me and Kobby hadn’t dated for five years. It was actually seven years. We started when we were both in the university. We had dreams. We loved. We played. We hoped we were meant for each other. Right after school, we made promises that after we found jobs, the next thing would be marriage.

I found a job first. It took Kobby two years to find a job that made him feel like a man. Throughout the two years when he was in the wilderness of unemployment, I was the one who sent honey and bread. When he needed silver or gold or shillings, I was the one who provided. He suffered, especially when the home he came from wasn’t good. I was with him through it all.

When he had a job, he said he was going to save for a year and we would get married. But all of his family depended on his salary. Today, it is about the fees of his siblings. The next day, Mom will be sick. Days later, he has to pay rent. It was very hard for him to save, so our intention of getting married was always going to take time.

That morning, my mom came with a request. She said, “A man isn’t necessarily the one you suffer with. Some come ready to make things right, and I have one of such men for you.”

I said no. She said yes. I said never. She said tomorrow. One day, I came to meet a man waiting for me in the house. He looked very respectable and calm. My mom said, “So she’s here. I will leave the two of you to take it from here.”

I was so angry it showed in my voice. He started, “I’m the one who found you and talked to your mom about marriage. I’m thirty-eight years old. I’m at a point in life where I need an educated woman to love and help me grow. You don’t know me yet, but every member of my family knows you, and they are praying for you to say yes to me.”

He sounded firm and resolute. He carried this self-assurance that smelled like he came from a place where people know what they want. I said, “You’re talking about marriage, right? What about me makes you feel I fit to be your wife?” He answered, “I’ve come to your office as a customer. I’ve seen you talk to men like me. I’ve spoken to people who know you. No one said one bad thing about you. I know your mom. If you’re her child, then she raised you well.”

I said in my head, “When a man wants you, he says all the right things. Where from this one too?”

The only thing that would make him leave me alone was God’s name, so I told him, “Let me pray to God about it. I will get back to you.”

Every morning, my mom asked how far with my prayers, even though she knew I wasn’t praying about anything. I told her, “You paid thousands to take me to school but will allow me to marry a man who didn’t go to school? What for?” Mom replied, “Kobby went to school, right? Apart from excuses, what does he have? This man didn’t go to school but has no excuse. What do you want, excuses?”

At this point, I knew I couldn’t argue with my mom, so I had to find a way to swerve her. I told her, “If you force me, I will hate the man because of you. He’s giving me time, so you too give me time to think about it.”

I went to Kobby and told him, “My mom is on me. She wants to see action from you. You don’t have to be rich to marry me. Whatever you have, bring it, and let me also bring what I have. We can do it.”

I didn’t tell Kobby that my mom had someone she was pushing on me, but Kobby, in the end, told me, “When a mother does this, it means she has someone in the picture. If that’s the case, then stick to your mom’s choice. I don’t want to do it when I’m not ready.”

I was shocked. “Did I tell you she’s giving me someone? What do you mean by I should go for my mom’s choice? It’s okay. You tell me when you think you’ll be ready.” He answered, “I’m not God to know the future. You’re my girlfriend. That’s what’s important now. Let’s leave the rest to God.”

I spent several days thinking about what he told me. I even cried about it. So I started entertaining the man Mom brought home. He was Akyin. I visited him one day. I asked what he needed help with. He showed me his businesses and took me to places he owned. He said, “With someone like you and your education, we can grow this into a big thing.” I responded, “But you don’t need me as a wife to do all that. You can even employ me to help you build.”

He responded, “You’ll suffer to build for someone else to gain? My dear, it’s you I want to do this life with.”

Each day when we talked, it helped me draw the parallel lines between a man who knew what he wanted and would go for it and a man who was Kobby. Kobby was so relaxed. I was the one doing everything in the relationship, but when it was his family, he went through hell for them.

One day, I told him he should decide once and for all, and he told me I didn’t have patience because I already had someone I was cheating with. I quoted what my mom said, “Patience doesn’t mean waste of time. I’ll wait. Whenever you’re ready to marry, call my phone.”

I stopped calling, and he never did until weeks later. He came accusing me of finding someone else. I didn’t even entertain him. I’d used all that weeks to know Akyin better. I was growing to like him, especially when I asked if he was willing to at least learn how to read and write, and he shouted, “That will be a dream come true. I’m ready even today.”

When I said yes to him, I helped him enroll in adult education. The humility he used to learn and the fact that he accepted everything I said as truth won me over. I went to school with him every day when I had the time. I spoke to one of the teachers who was willing to offer home tuition. We hired her.

One early morning, before 5 a.m., I walked to my mom’s room and tapped her to wake up. She looked at me and asked if I was being chased out of my bed. I said, “Thank you very much for Akyin and the lesson you taught me about patience. I’ve said yes to him. We are getting married in three months.”

She buried her cheek in her palm and looked at me for a while. She said, “Am I not the one who raised you? I know you’ll make a good choice.”

We got married on June 1, 2013, and to date, he’s the best decision my mom has ever helped me make. The way he’s been present in everything, helping with house chores and providing for the family. The way he submits to my opinions just as I submit to his. The way he brings me in on every decision of his. The way I struggle to sleep when he travels. Today, he reads, writes, and speaks good English. You should see him talking to the kids in English. If I tell them Dad couldn’t say a word in English a few years ago, they wouldn’t believe me.

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I know you’ll be wondering what happened to Kobby. Nine months after I got married, he also got married. It actually confirmed my mom’s lesson in patience. I was only wasting my time. He’s currently divorced and on Facebook, talking bitterly about marriage and women only for the applause of the brotherhood.

—Tina

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