“Your Husband Isn’t Who He Says He Is”: 16 Women Share What It’s Like Being the “Other Woman”

People often talk about affairs as if there are only two main roles to be played: the one who cheats and the one who gets cheated on. But there’s another perspective that rarely gets brought into the conversation. Usually, automatically written off as a villain or a cliché is the “other woman.” But the reality of these stories is that they’re rarely that simple to categorize. For some, being the other woman was the first time they were truly seen. For others, they had no idea they were the other woman at all, leaving them feeling betrayed and heartbroken.

It’s difficult to put the impact of this complicated relationship dynamic into words unless you’ve been in the position yourself. That’s why we asked “other women” to share their stories with us—so we could better understand their experience. These Everygirls got candid about what they would say to their ex-partners if given the chance, whether they ever considered exposing the affair, and what the relationship actually felt like for them. They opened up about the memories that felt magnetic, the heaviness of the secrecy, and the moments of all-consuming self-doubt.

And what we discovered? All of their stories sounded shockingly similar to other less taboo forms of love, intimacy, and desire—the painful aches of feeling unseen, silenced, or longed-for that many of us encounter in relationships. So, no matter what side of a relationship you relate to while reading this—someone who’s had an affair, someone who’s been cheated on, or someone in a happy long-term relationship—we’re reminded that the craving for connection is something we can all relate to. Read on for what these 16 women shared about the realities of being the other woman.

They felt many conflicting emotions

What stood out the most in these responses was how powerful—and often conflicting—the emotions of being the other woman were. For some, the experience felt almost cinematic at first, like finding a soulmate. For others, it brought stress, confusion, and intense heartbreak—especially when the truth about their role in the relationship was revealed.

Ashley, 33, who met her affair partner through friends, often struggled with knowing that loving someone meant hurting someone else, too. “It was never my intention to hurt her,” Ashley said when asked what she might say to her affair partner’s significant other if given the chance. “I honestly thought he was the love of my life, and I was the exception.” They are no longer together and broke it off after five years together.

“Knowing that he was cheating with me gave me a twisted sense of value—even though I can see now how messed up that was.”

Bailey, 35, also shared her experience after meeting her affair partner online, reflecting on how effortless their conversations felt. “I had never before met a man with whom I felt I could be my most authentic, unfiltered self,” Bailey said. She added that she didn’t see herself as the other woman at first, but near the end of their relationship, “as the lavender haze went away,” she started to feel “horrible” about her actions—to the point where her feelings turned into a physical illness. “I didn’t think it would be anything more than communication with a hint of flirting,” Bailey said. “But then I fell for him hard.”

For a lot of these women, the affair started out as a sudden burst of life, finally being noticed, desired, and understood in extremely different ways than they had before. That initial feeling—on its own—is really quite innocent. But the feeling of being desired gets much more confusing, morally messy, and difficult to navigate when there are three people in the relationship.

They heavily considered exposing the relationship

At first glance, exposing the relationship might seem like a more straightforward question of right and wrong—exposing the affair is right, not exposing the affair is wrong. As these women shared their complex, layered stories, any idea of right and wrong started to feel far less distinguishable.

“I did consider it very heavily,” Lexi, 38, said when asked if she ever considered exposing the affair. Lexi and her partner met on Bumble, where everything was normal at first. That is, until she learned her partner was very much married and still living with his wife. “I actually looked her up, found where they lived, and sat there one day to watch them come home from work,” Lexi admitted. “I never told her, and I think about it all the time.” Lexi noted that having kids involved made the idea of exposing the affair that much more difficult for her as well. Her partner had confessed that he had a son and was married, but said it was a terrible relationship. He claimed that he was only staying because of their son, but begged her not to tell his wife because it would mean losing him.

Amy, 36, also shared that even after being with her affair partner for 10 years, knowing they have another family feels “awful.” She still chooses not to expose the affair because they both have kids. “He has two boys… it would ruin their lives, and childhood shouldn’t hold those memories,” Amy said. “I also have three children… the logistics of the fallout would be so disruptive for all of their lives, and I could never live with myself if they knew.” She admitted that she once broke off the relationship because of the guilt of hurting her family, but she and her partner couldn’t shake the connection they had.

“As I fell in love with him, I started to love her, too.”

Sometimes the choice to leave sounds simple in theory, but in reality, leaving anyone you’re so deeply connected to is anything but. For a lot of these women, the bond they shared with their affair partner made it difficult to step away. Their connections were not always just physical, but deep and emotional, too. With the added familial stressors, the idea of leaving felt twice as complicated.

But there are also women like Paige, 34, who made a different choice. Paige and her partner met in grad school, but their relationship was short-lived after a co-worker mentioned that they were pretty sure he had a girlfriend. “I immediately found his girlfriend through social media,” Paige said. “If I were in her shoes—trusting a long-distance partner—I’d want to know.” What weighed on Paige even more was the conviction that her affair partner would not tell the truth on his own: a realization that made her feel even more compelled to bring the affair to light. She told his girlfriend and cut him out of her life entirely.

They became infatuated with the idea of their affair partner’s other partner

Some women also shared the unexpected feeling of growing infatuated with the other partner in the relationship. As if somehow knowing “her” also meant being closer to the person they were intimate with. Amber, 37, who met her partner on an affairs subreddit page, shared that the more she learned about her affair partner and his wife’s life, the more she established an attachment to her. “As I fell in love with him, I started to love her, too,” Amber said. “Because if she’s someone he cares about, then she must be pretty special… it was crazy.” She added that knowing the wife was sleeping in his bed, raising his child, and making plans with him was difficult because she wanted all of that, too.

Megan, 39, agreed with Amber’s curiosity about the other partner, referring to her own partner’s partner as some kind of mythical character. “I did fantasize about what a conversation with her would be like,” Megan said. She thought about what it might be like if she approached her, or if they crossed paths more naturally. “I was (and still am) curious to know if his version of her presented to me was true or not… I was fascinated by the hypothetical opportunity to draw my own conclusions about her.”

These confessions were honestly fascinating to read, and made me consider just how blurred the line can be between comparison and intrigue when fantasizing about the other partner. For some women, that line leaned toward envy—sparking thoughts about what it would be like to be in the other partner’s position. For others, the feeling took the form of pity, or even a strange sense of connection tied to loving the same person. This complex fixation with someone unknowingly sharing a partner’s love intensified the emotional stakes of the relationship even more.

They felt empowered by being kept a secret

The relationships we chase are often shaped by the emotional space we’re coming from at that moment in time. Whether that be a craving for a sense of humor, someone with more confidence, or a partner with similar hobbies. As for Blake, 27, who met her partner while working together at a summer camp, her struggles with self-worth led her to connect with a more “confident” and “charming” man who was older than her, and being with him made her feel much more empowered.

“If it hadn’t been me, it would likely have been someone else.”

“Knowing that he was cheating with me gave me a twisted sense of value—even though I can see now how messed up that was.” Blake reflected further and said that when she first pursued the relationship with her affair partner, she was “not in a good place” and saw it as an escape from personal conflicts she wasn’t ready to face. “I ended it when it finally hit me that he was using me and I deserved better than that.” When asked what she might say now to her affair partner if given the chance, Blake said that while she regrets the situation, she still hopes he gets to experience a happy, loving relationship, like she eventually did.

Shannon, 39, added that there was something “alluring” about being a secret for her as well. “There’s a naive empowerment to it,” Shannon said. “Hearing all the ways she’s [the wife] not the one fulfilling him, and being the one he turns to… it’s easy to get caught up in that feeling of being ‘the chosen one.'” Christy, 36, whose affair was “imbalanced, exhilarating, and confidence-boosting,” agreed. Although she also felt guilty, it was powerful to be the other woman. “It was like he was taking a risk for me,” Christy said.

If you’re reading this as someone who’s been cheated on, that is no doubt a difficult few paragraphs to digest. But a desire to be recognized and valued is human—even when that desire may result in hurting someone else.

They were also being lied to

For some of these women, they had no idea they were the “other woman,” and the moment they discovered their partner was in another relationship (or that they had lied to them about it), the passion and excitement they once felt completely changed. Jane, 39, who met her affair partner at work, said she had no idea they were in a relationship. It left her feeling completely betrayed, shocked, and angry when her co-worker casually mentioned he had a family.

“After I found out, it turned into this whole other part of our relationship,” Jane said. “He kept telling me he was ending his marriage… it went on like that for several more months, until I had enough. It was clear he wasn’t ending his marriage.” Jane thought about telling her partner’s other partner in moments where she felt the most angered by the situation, but decided not to. If given the chance to share something with them now, Jane said that she would want them to know that “your husband isn’t who he says he is.”

Claire, 32, who met her partner on Instagram, found out she was the other woman on her partner’s birthday. While he was out running errands that morning, she stumbled on an intimate birthday post thanking them for “years of love and commitment.” She was upset, but she’s found “peace and understanding” through the experience. “It put an end to all of the confusion I would feel whenever we weren’t in the same room,” Claire shared. “It answered so many questions… he would literally accuse me of trying to ‘rob him of his peace’ whenever I would question him about his whereabouts.”

The moment these women found out they were the “other woman,” the betrayal hit hard—the same way any bad breakup might. Showing us that the secrecy and lies can affect everyone involved in an affair, not just the Rosses and Rachels we more commonly hear about.

They want you to know they’re sorry

For many of these women, their affairs started with a kind of intensity that was almost electric. When asked to describe how their relationship started out, it ranged from things like “fast and furious” to “lusty” and “so romantic.” But knowing they were the “other woman” also gave way to another heavy emotion: remorse. It left many grappling with feelings of responsibility, regret, and sorrow for the pain they caused the other partner. Even if they weren’t the only ones doing something “wrong.”

Alison, 58, who met her affair partner through a local civic group, loved how fun and sexy the affair made her feel in the beginning. But she’s also haunted by how it affected the other partner in the relationship. “I’m sorry for my part; you didn’t deserve that,” Alison said when asked what she might say to the other partner if given the chance. “But if it hadn’t been me, it would likely have been someone else.”

Carina, 39, who met her affair partner through work, said she’s sorry for the pain loving someone caused. Even though they are still together, and have been for ten years, she admits she still feels “selfish” at times. “I was an invisible force in your life, and that’s not fair,” Carina said. “I hope you both find happiness. I hope you both get whatever it is you want.”

“I’m starting to think that if I could cut the memory of you from my brain, I would. I’d rather live not knowing what true love is than live with this pain.”

Whether their relationships have ended or they are still ongoing, it seemed that a lot of the remorse wasn’t just about guilt, but also about recognizing the weight of their actions and facing it head-on. The way many of these women apologized showed how loving someone so intensely can hurt you just as much. Sometimes, love is louder than reason, and their ability to confront and reckon with their actions was powerful to read.

Their affairs changed their perspectives on love

Regardless of whether they wanted it to or not, being the other woman changed the way a lot of these women viewed relationships moving forward. Vanessa, 36, met her affair partner through work when he was her boss. She admitted that her husband did find out about the affair eventually, but Vanessa and her partner are still involved. Even though the relationship brought hardships, Vanessa still feels enlightened by what the relationship taught her about love.

Simply finding someone she could be her best self around again changed her entire perspective on relationships. She wasn’t sure what the future of her affair might look like, but allowing herself to fall “head over heels” for someone gave her hope that it could be that powerful again. “I knew if I couldn’t be with him, I would be okay, because I now knew that feeling was real,” Vanessa said. “I would not settle ever again until I found it, and knew my first marriage was over either way.”

Some women were able to walk away from their affairs with motivating lessons about love and themselves. However, some realized harsher truths. Amber confessed that after her relationship ended, it made it difficult to trust the idea of love again. “I assume every man is going to hurt me,” Amber said when asked what she’d say to her affair partner now if she could. “I’m starting to think that if I could cut the memory of you from my brain, I would. I’d rather live not knowing what true love is than live with this pain.”

Other women like Billie, 32, try to remain positive about her experience, reflecting on the 10 years she and her partner have been together. “I feel like I believe in my abilities in a way I never did before I met you,” Billie said when asked what she would say to her partner if given the chance. “Even if this goes away one day, the space we’ve occupied was deeply meaningful.”

What’s clear through all of these experiences is that there are a lot of unacknowledged complexities that come with being the other woman. For many women, it was the kind of thrill that can feel effortless when the relationship begins, but when the added reality of secrecy, guilt, and complicated relationship dynamics sank in, it was anything but. Their responses prove that being the other woman leaves a lasting impact on how they understand love today—in all its messy and difficult forms—and the unexpected ways it can transform how you approach relationships.

Editors note: Names have been changed to protect identities

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Madigan Will, Assistant Editor

As an Assistant Editor for The Everygirl, Madigan writes and edits content for every topic under the digital media sun. As the oldest of four siblings, she enjoys utilizing her big sister persona to connect and inspire readers—helping them discover new ways to maximize their everyday.

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