will people think I named my baby after my employee, former close friend is about to be my boss, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Will people think I named my baby after my employee?

I have a direct report who has a name that you don’t necessarily hear every day, but doesn’t strike you as a unique name either.

I am currently pregnant and love this name. It’s been on my list of potential names for a while and I have a personal connection to it as well. My hesitation is my direct report — obviously I don’t think she will believe that I named my child after her, but it feels weird to explain and I worry about feeling self-conscious telling colleagues the name we decided. It feels oddly insulting to my colleague to say, “Oh, I didn’t name my baby after X employee! It’s actually for Y personal reason.”

Will no one care in actuality and I’m making it a bigger deal than it likely will be? How could I explain the situation without it sounding like a diss to my employee, who is a very wonderful person?

It is very unlikely that people will think you named your baby after your employee! I could see that maybe being a concern if it was a unique name that few people had ever heard before — but even then, that wouldn’t mean you couldn’t use the name, and in this case it’s not a name that will strike people as unique. You will be fine! No explanations should be required.

That said, if anyone does a double take or similar, you can always say in a light tone, “No relation to Isadora! Just a nice coincidence.”

Related:
my employee gave her puppy the same unusual name as a coworker’s new baby

2. Someone I had a near-emotional-affair with years ago is about to be my sort-of boss

I’ve been at my job for 12 years. We have three main divisions in our organization: sales, communications, and education. Each are headed by VPs. I’ve been in sales this whole time, and I started working with a group of young employees where we all became friendly.

I connected well with Craig in our group happy hours, and it slowly turned to drinks with just us and texting throughout the day. Both of us were in serious relationships at the time. Maybe I’m naive, but it really at the time felt like a friendship with a guy I thought was attractive, but not that a line was getting crossed, although I. have since thought of it as an emotional affair. Abruptly, Craig pulled back from our friendship. He said no to all happy hours and replied late and vague to texts. I got the hint. (Note from Alison: the letter-writer’s email subject line called this an emotional affair; hence the headline.)

Fast forward to today, and Craig and I are each married with kids to the people we were in relationships with. We have not spoken much to each other in a decade other than a polite hi when passing in the hallways. Several years ago, Craig got a senior technical role and we had never had any work overlap. But just a month ago, our big boss left suddenly. A VP was promoted to that position and Craig is now a VP with supervisory/managerial power. While he is not my direct VP, the three VPs make decisions together, and every several years they switch divisions they supervise. I’m feeling nervous about this, not that our “emotional affair” will start up again, but that Craig’s distancing of our friendship could potentially hurt me professionally. It would be more straightforward if we had actually dated to disclose that to HR or my VP. But we didn’t. Is there anything I can do other than wait to see Craig’s attitude towards me?

Wait and see what happens. It sounds like this was many years ago, and Craig may handle it just fine! When this all happened long ago, you picked up on his boundaries and respected them and didn’t make it weird, and he probably appreciates that.

So — be scrupulously professional (without being chilly! just normal professional, the way you’d be with someone you didn’t know well but had general good will toward) and see how it goes. If you do pick up on any weirdness, at that point you could talk to HR and explain that you were good friends years ago and he suddenly pulled back from the friendship, which you respected, but that you’re concerned the previous professional relationship could be causing ___ (fill in with specifics of whatever you’re seeing at that point).

3. Our system for picking who gets to leave early is unfair

I work in a large casino in Las Vegas as a dealer. As the workload dies down each day, tables get closed and the dealers on those tables get rerouted elsewhere, such as to the tables of dealers that are finishing up their shift. Every day, about halfway through my shift, we have at least one instance where we have an extra dealer and nowhere to put them, and management lets a lucky employee go home early.

Multiple employees each day, including me, will request to be the one to leave early, and management’s method for distributing that perk feels unfair to me. They will give this reward to whichever employee is deeper into their work week. If you took two identical employees where the only difference between them is their schedules were offset by one day (one works Monday-Friday, the other works Tuesday-Saturday), the first one would be prioritized over the other on the four days their schedules overlap.

In the example I gave, I happen to be the Tuesday-Saturday employee and I’m always second to getting the reward over someone else. There is, on average, only one of these rewards given each day, so I rarely get it as I’m usually second up. My direct supervisor is sympathetic and has brought it up to our manager but our manager doesn’t want to change anything at this time. My supervisor is new to the company so I can understand why he might not want to rock the boat. Though I’ve worked for this casino for many years, I’m also new to this shift and don’t want to appear like the new guy coming in and saying, “This is all wrong.”

I feel there are better ways to distribute this reward that is fair for everyone but I’m kind of at a loss as to what to do about it.

The subject line of your email to me was, “Can the unfair distribution of a limited reward create a hostile work environment?” and the answer to that is no — not unless the reward is being distributed based on a protected characteristic like race, sex, religion, etc. If they want to base on it pretty much anything else (schedule, hours, who the manager likes best that day), they can.

That doesn’t mean it’s fair or good for morale, of course! I agree that you shouldn’t spend capital on it when you’re new to the shift, but after you’ve been on that shift for longer — and your supervisor isn’t as new — you could raise it again and ask if they’d consider randomizing it more, or otherwise shifting the selection system they’re using. (If you can get a group of your coworkers to request that with you, even better.)

4. We’re pressured to attend after-hours social events at our own expense

I work for a relatively small organization that receives all funding from a restricted source. The restrictions mean that professional development, raises, and basic office supplies are incredibly limited or nonexistent. In the last year, leadership has decided that the best way to build community is via events after work hours. These events range from bowling, coffee shops, happy hours, “drafts and crafts,” hikes, and axe throwing. These events are at employees’ own expense (ranging from the cost of a cup of coffee to $50+ for some of the more expensive events).

While these social events aren’t mandatory, there are pressures to be a team player. Additionally, there are benefits from building social capital with decision-makers.

A few of us have requested these at least happen during the work day and/or be free or very low-cost events, without change.

Any suggestions to offer a tired team player who would rather spend money socializing with friends than her boss?

Speak up as a group! It sounds like there are multiple people who feel this way — and I bet you’ll find more if you start asking around — and you should push back as a group. Point out that you’re already dealing with significant restraints (the ones you mentioned in your second sentence) and that expecting you to attend after-hours events at your own expense is an additional drain on top of that.

If that doesn’t get you anywhere, you and your colleagues should feel free to stop going to most of these events, particularly the pricier ones. I hear you on the benefits of building connections with higher-ups, but they’re essentially asking you to pay to do that when you’re already underpaid. Decline to do so.

5. What happens to your job if you’re deployed for the National Guard?

The news about the uptick in National Guard deployment (which, let me be clear, I do not agree with) made me curious about how those soldiers cope, job-wise. Google tells me that the majority are only in the Guard part-time, so they’re holding down jobs during the rest of their time, I’m guessing. Do their employers have to hold their position for them while they’re gone? Do they keep getting paid or receiving benefits like health insurance? Or do they lose their jobs every time they deploy?

It’s illegal for employers to discriminate against National Guard members, and they can’t fire them for being called to deploy. The law requires them to grant unpaid leave for National Guard service, regardless of how long the deployment is. When they return, they must be reinstated to the same or an equivalent position with the same pay, seniority, and benefits. Plus, after they’re back, they can’t be let go without cause for 180 days after shorter deployments and for up to one year after longer ones (to avoid employers firing or laying Guard members off after a deployment to avoid having to deal with it again).

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