Why Never Fighting Is Actually a Red Flag

“We never fight” may seem like something to brag about — but it’s actually a red flag.

Even the most compatible partners sometimes butt heads. If you and your significant other never argue, it may sound like a dream come true, but it can spell trouble for your relationship down the road.

That’s because, no matter how compatible you are, disagreements between people are inevitable.

“No two people are completely alike and disagreements are bound to happen,” says Sal Raichbach, LCSW, Psy.D., chief clinical officer at Haven Health Management.

In this context, the question doesn’t become: “Do you fight or not?” It becomes, “How, exactly, do you handle disagreements?

RELATED: How to Have a Healthy Fight With Your Partner

And the truth is that having arguments can actually be very healthy when you approach the matter constructively.

First, doing so allows you to understand each other on a deeper level. It also helps you meet each other's needs while defining expectations and negotiating boundaries as necessary. As a result, you can feel safer and more connected while continuing to grow together.

When you don’t verbalize your disagreements, however, you’re leaving things unsaid — potentially important things. You may start to feel misunderstood and disconnected from each other. Ultimately, you’re eroding the sense of trust that is vital to the success of your relationship.

So even though fighting with your partner is, in the moment, unpleasant, never fighting at all can be much more damaging in the long-term. In order to better understand this truth, AskMen spoke to a handful of relationship experts. Here’s what they had to say:

Why Healthy Arguments Are Necessary for Relationships

1. Never Fighting Breeds Resentment

“If there are never any disagreements or conflicts in a relationship, it is likely that the partners are not honestly and openly communicating their needs, boundaries, and feelings,” according to licensed professional counselor Parker Schneider.

What happens when you don’t openly communicate what’s bugging you? You start bottling it up and feeling increasingly resentful about it. You may randomly explode and catch your partner off-guard.

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Alternatively, you may just distance yourself or start punishing your partner without ever giving them an opportunity to hear you out and address your concerns. All those behaviors create a wedge between you instead of giving you an opportunity to resolve issues and feel closer.

2. Never Fighting Can Signal an Imbalance in the Relationship

A 2010 study published in Science Daily analyzed the impact of fighting styles on marriage.

The researchers behind it uncovered a particularly problematic pattern: “When one spouse deals with conflict constructively, by calmly discussing the situation, listening to their partner's point of view, or trying hard to find out what their partner is feeling, for example -- and the other spouse withdraws.”

It turns out, this particular tendency is more likely to lead to divorce. If you never get into disagreements with your partner, you may be engaging in a similar pattern.

“If one person is constantly avoiding conflict or giving in just to avoid an argument, it can lead to resentment and a lack of genuine communication in the relationship. They may end up suppressing their true feelings and thoughts, which can be damaging in the long run,” says Raichbach.

In order for your relationship to thrive, all partners involved need to feel comfortable expressing themselves and working through disagreements. If one partner never addresses the way they feel around the other, it can signal an imbalance in the relationship.

3. Successfully Navigating Conflict Creates Trust and Intimacy

On the other hand, successfully navigating conflict creates intimacy and trust. But when you don’t fight, you miss out on the opportunity to feel close.

“Avoiding conflict reinforces insecure attachments,” says Schneider. “The result of efforts to work through and repair conflict is increased trust, safety, security, and intimacy.”

While this explains the idea of make-up sex, it doesn’t mean that you should go pick fights for the sake of it. However, if you haven’t fought for months or years, it may be time to ask yourself questions about the quality of your bond and what you can do to improve it.

4. Disagreements Can Help You Understand Each Other Better

Even people who have known each other for years still sometimes run into misunderstandings.

It can feel unpleasant, but fighting provides an opportunity to clear up misconceptions and keep getting to know the nuances and intricacies that make up the person you love. People also change and evolve over time, so constant communication and realignment is required when you share a life.

RELATED: How to Respectfully Disagree With Your Partner During Tough Times

“Disagreements provide the opportunity to learn more about your partner, to understand their perspective, and to develop better communication skills with each other,” says Raichbach. “If done right, both of you can learn and grow from these conflicts, ultimately strengthening your relationship.”

Signs That You Aren’t Addressing Important Issues

Are you worried that you and your partner aren’t dealing with your problems?

According to Schneider, signs that you’re sweeping issues under the rug include avoiding certain topics in conversation, deflecting by making jokes or changing the subject when potential disagreements arise, or downplaying certain concerns.

RELATED: How to Use 'Solve Languages' to Improve Your Relationship

Interestingly, conflict avoidance can also show up in the way you spend your time. Schneider says that if you frequently need to distract yourself — individually or together — through things like over-working or always participating in activities and events rather than talking and connecting, you may be running away from relationship issues.

Another troubling indicator is constantly “finding yourself compromising or giving in to your partner's demands without truly addressing the root of the problem,” says Raichbach. “You may still feel upset or frustrated, but you push those feelings aside for the sake of keeping the peace.”

You may believe deep-down that avoiding a fight will make problems go away, but, in reality, it won’t improve your relationship — it’ll only cause more tension between you over time.

So, make it a point to address things as they come up. Practice listening to each other with curiosity instead of trying to win arguments. Stick around when difficult emotions come up. It may be messy at times, but even imperfect communication is better than no communication at all.

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