why does job-searching feel like actual torture?

A reader writes:

I have been trying to understand something about myself for years. You may not be able to help, but I figure it’s worth a shot.

My last job was an admin assistant role working with the same VP for 10 years. I eventually felt burned out and found a similar job where I’ve been for two years. This job has been a solid 5 out of 10, and I anticipate that dropping significantly in the coming months because of a looming project and issues with management.

The obvious solution is to find a new job, but I just … can’t make myself do it? This also happened several years ago when I decided to start searching. It seemed to take more energy than I could ever hope to have just to look for and apply to jobs. It ended up taking at least a year (maybe even two — it’s hard to remember) to find my current job. I finally managed to apply for two jobs and got the second one.

I’m a high performer with only glowing references, a solid work history, and an agreeable personality. I am also a recovering perfectionist and have my fair share of anxiety, and I’ve been going to therapy for 3.5 years, which has been extremely helpful for functioning in life overall.

I have used your advice on resumes, cover letters, and interviews. It feels like I freeze up during interviews despite my best efforts to prepare (maybe I should try a swig of vodka beforehand — ha!).

I guess my questions are: Why does it feel impossible to look for jobs? Why does reading every job description for which I’m qualified instantly make me lose the will to go on (job-searching, not in life)? Am I the only one who feels this way? Is this a lingering mental-health issue?

In case those questions are un-answerable, my other question is: What are some things I could try to make job-searching feel more like cleaning my house, which I don’t enjoy but manage to do regularly, and less like trying to lift a house with a crowbar?

You are not the only one who feels this way. But it’s also indicative of some kind of problematic thinking.

Part of me hates saying that, because it’s actually quite reasonable to dread the job-search process, which is dehumanizing in countless ways.

But because it’s also something that would be in your best interests to do — since you’re unhappy at work and think you’re about to be even more unhappy, and you seem well-positioned to find a new job, as these things go — the fact that you literally can’t bring yourself to do it does indicate something is going on.

My guess is that it’s some combination of:
* feeling like you won’t get hired, so it’s a waste of time
* feeling like even if you do eventually get hired, it will take a huge amount of work to make that happen (since last time it took at least a year)
* worrying that even if you do find another job, you won’t like it
* feeling like the stakes are unbearably high
* dreading the process itself — you mentioned you freeze up in interviews so I’m guessing it’s the opposite of enjoyable to you
* generalized anxiety latching onto this whole thing because it’s such a good target for the reasons above

A lot of those beliefs don’t stand up to scrutiny.

Yes, it took you a year last time, but you only applied for two jobs during that time. How much faster might it have been if you applied to two a week? Or five a week?

And that means your application-to-offer success rate is 50%. That’s unusually high. That says you have better chances than most people, and most people still find jobs.

You also say you’re a high performer with only glowing references, a solid work history, and an agreeable personality. Those are … pretty much the ideal conditions to search from.

All of which means anxiety is probably playing a much bigger role here than you’re allowing for. Are you actively treating the anxiety? Have you talked to your therapist about anxiety meds? If you haven’t, that’s worth doing — and it’s possible that could be the thing that takes this from “feels like trying to lift a house with a crowbar” to “not fun, but still doable.”

The other thing that helps a lot of people: lower the stakes in your head dramatically. If you’re freezing up in interviews because the stakes seem so high, it can help to go in assuming you’re not going to get the job / the interview is just for practice / they’ve already decided to hire the CEO’s nephew / you’re skeptical about whether you even really want the job and they’d need to prove to you that you do.

But I think you’ve got to tackle the anxiety first, and this will get easier once you do.

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