Why do youths leave the church? Findings from a local church study

I once knew a boy called John (not his real name). He started attending children’s church when he was in Primary 6, brought along by a relative.

By Secondary 1, he was helping in the children’s ministry. I remember how he would sing worship songs, pray with us, and even cook and bring food for those serving.

Then one day – after a couple of years – he disappeared. I tried calling him, but the line was dead. I asked his friends to reach out to him, but to no avail. I have not seen him since. It has been 13 years and counting.

John’s case is not an isolated one. It was particularly devastating to me because he had been so close.

Children raised in Sunday school may not always remain in church when they grow up. This study attempted to find out why.

Another time, a friend mentioned his denomination to me. Hoping to make a connection, I asked, “Do you know so-and-so (well-known clergy)?” My friend gave me an unimpressed look and replied: “Yes, his son taught me to smoke.”

As someone who has served in the children’s ministry for about 15 years and in youth ministry for about five years, stories like these puzzle me.

I have sung, taught, and tirelessly repeated the so-called basics of the Christian faith: “Read your bible and pray every day.” I have received countless affirmations that I was “sowing seeds” and “preparing the next generation.” Yet, time and again, children who grew up in the church leave abruptly, heading in directions contrary to everything they had affirmed and learned. What happened to all the seeds that I – and others – had sown?

Had I not done enough with John? What was really going on?

Identifying and studying the issues

Seeking answers, I turned to research. Studies conducted by the Barna Group, Fuller Youth Institute, and the landmark study Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers offered some insights, highlighting the critical role of family in youth religious formation.

But there seemed to be little local research addressing why youths leave the church – or more broadly, what factors affect their religious formation.

To explore this further, I spoke with both the youth Pastor and the children’s Pastor of my local church. I discovered I was not alone – this phenomenon is all too common, particularly among the children of Pastors and missionaries.

A recurrent theme emerged: The family plays an important role in a youth’s ongoing spiritual formation. Amidst a sea of possible directions, the family’s role in youth formation became the focal point for our research.

The family plays a pivotal role in a youth’s spiritual formation.

We embarked on a small-scale study in our local church to hear directly from youths about what they consider important in their spiritual formation. Twenty youths were selected and interviewed. They were given the option to use an alias and have their voices altered. Interviews were recorded and transcribed. 

3 key findings

1. Parents and main caregivers are deeply influential in a youth’s formation

Contrary to the popular belief that youths are rebellious and prefer to chart their own paths, our findings suggested that they are strongly influenced by their parents and main caregivers.

This is not a novel point, but it is assuring that our study resonates with findings from other contexts. We found an almost complete overlap between a youth’s spiritual practices and those of their main caregiver, with the exception of Christian concerts, conferences, and journaling.

Respondents shared comments such as:

• “At some point in life … is like expected every week must go church already.”

• “My mom attend then okay lor, I must join.”

• “Parents are still the first and greatest influence … they were the ones who set prayer times, mandate that after dinner we do a quick prayer.”

Youths also relied on parents and main caregivers to provide advice and encouragement, particularly for important and milestone decisions.

However, the level of influence that parents and primary caregivers have is not automatic. This leads us to our second finding.

2. Influence is linked to availability, presence, and consistency

Relationships are not built overnight. Youths want their parents to be present and available – and this requires time. As respondents put it:

• “I feel like confiding in someone about your Christian walk is a really personal thing… It takes a lot of relationship building to reach that point.” 

• “My parents are the biggest influence because I spend the most time with them.”

• “I spend a lot of time with her [Mom]; we have deep conversations”

• “My father is the one that shaped me. [He does] things for me … his presence slowly push me to [be] who I am.”

Youths also desire congruence and consistency from their parents and their primary caregivers. Put another way, they want to see actions match words.

One respondent said: “My parents really model what it is to seek God and be fervent. I see my dad wake up every day at 5, 6am to read the Word and I think seeing him every day just sitting, praying, reading really encourages me to do the same.”

Parents, do not underestimate what your children are learning from watching you live out your own faith.

For youths, being available and consistent also means actively reaching out and listening – recognising that listening takes time and involves more than simply offering solutions.

They emphasised the importance of encouragement and affirmation from a constant figure, particularly when they feel inadequate or not good enough.

Often, what seemed like minor moments to their caregivers were milestone moments for them – and key in their spiritual journey.

3. Youths value relatability

Here, relatability does not mean that parents or caregivers have to be best buddies with their youths. Rather, it means demonstrating understanding, empathy, and sharing experiences – something that all of us are capable of.

Furthermore, youths repeatedly told us they appreciate having peer groups they can relate to, which function as their safe spaces in the transition to adolescence.

Cell group is a safe space for many youths to connect and transition into adolescence.

Respondents put it this way:

• “The greatest impact is cell group. Cell is mostly about the same age, we understand each other’s feelings. Easier to talk, communicate, share problems.”

• “Previously it’s just my father I go to. Now depends on topic … I really go to my peers … I enjoy my time at church ’cause I can see my friends.”

What must we do?

Let us return to the question: Why do youths leave church? This short study raises more questions than it answers, but it does suggest that, in the Singaporean context, family – parents and primary caregivers – plays an immense role in youth spiritual formation, for better or worse. Hopefully, future researchers will build upon and formalise this work.

Youths report that their parents and primary caregivers are the main influencers in their lives. They want their parents and caregivers to be available, present, consistent, and to show empathy and understanding.

Youths desire to be heard and value peer groups. At the same time, parents and caregivers actively model behaviors, shape how youths perceive their world and conceptualise relationships, and influence how they understand God and themselves.

Much work remains to be done; this study barely scratches the surface.

For example, youths are not born youths – they progress through childhood, which psychologists have identified as a critical period for laying the foundation of physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development.

Many young families in Singapore leave their children in the care of others from a very young age. What impact will this have on their spiritual formation?

In Singapore, several trends warrant closer attention:

1. Parents sending their babies to school as early as two months of age for up to 12 hours a day;

2. Toddlers spending a full day – more than eight hours – at school, up to five days a week;

3. Domestic helpers and grandparents often serving as the primary caregivers of infants and toddlers.

How does this affect spiritual development? Does the journey of leaving the church during adolescence begin much earlier in childhood? Does adolescence merely amplify patterns established in childhood? These questions call for further study and sober reflection.

The research was presented to my church’s youth and children’s Pastors. They agreed that more collaboration was necessary. It was also agreed that any initiatives need to be shaped by the particularities and needs of various ministries.

This study does not necessarily call for more strategies, programmes, and structures, but a rethinking of the ways we think about our ministries, how we understand youths – that is, as individuals embedded within family systems or primarily as individuals – and how we understand discipleship.

Through this study, I have gained a refreshed understanding of my role as a children’s teacher. I continue to sow seeds—not dispassionately, but with a deepened love for walking alongside families.

The memory – and ongoing reality – of youths leaving church still breaks my heart, yet it galvanises my search for best practices for the church.

Will you – parents, caregivers, teachers, and all who love children and youths – join me?

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