When He Finally Chose to Pursue His Own Happiness, NFL Star Darren Waller Retired From Football

Darren Waller is smiling ear to ear because he’s finally doing the thing that’s evaded him most of his career: Taking care of himself. The former NFL star and Pro Bowl selection was drafted by the Baltimore Ravens in 2015, the same year he started pursuing music. But in 2016, he was suspended four games for failing a drug test. The following year, he was again suspended—this time for a year—for once again violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. But Waller gained reinstatement to the league prior to the start of the 2018 season, and went on to have a successful run with the Oakland (now Las Vegas) Raiders before being traded to the New York Giants during the 2023 offseason. Now, in his first year of retirement at age 32, Waller is returning to the path of music—a path that’s always existed parallel to football, but a path that is now front and center. He recently joined a roster of prominent artists for the Madden 2024 NFL Official Soundtrack distributed by Interscope Records, and his latest release—the EP On Notice: Bag Talk—will be followed by a new EP next month. RELATED: Olympic Gold Medalist Kauli Vaast on Performing Under Pressure In an poignant and honest conversation with AskMen, Waller opens up about his struggles on and off the field, his path to sobriety, success in the NFL, and how lasting success in any facet of life really starts by learning how to take care of yourself. AskMen: Growing up, did you always know football was the path you wanted to pursue? Darren Waller: When we moved to Georgia right before I turned five, my parents were looking for things for my sister and I to try, so they threw me into football. I loved it out the gate and was obsessed with watching classic NFL films. I knew so much about football at a very young age and was really good at the game. But I was always somebody who struggled with where they fit in, and as I got into high school, the pure love for the game went away—though I realized being good at football would provide me with validation and could make me successful. My first full three seasons with the Raiders were like connecting back to that childlike joy—but from the end of high school through being reinstated in the NFL, it was difficult for me to tap into a love and fire for the game. AskMen: Your love for football began as a kid, as did your love for music. When did you first start cultivating an interest in music? Darren Waller: My parents had me and my sister playing piano as kids and had us in band in middle school. I enjoyed the challenge of music and reading sheet music, but never really thought about creating it until I learned about my great-grandfather [jazz pianist Fatz Waller] and the legacy he left. Growing up, I was so focused on trying to fit in and do what was “cool” that I didn’t allow myself to just be a kid. But when I’m making music now, I’m just being a kid. AskMen: How did both interests help you through the darker period of your life when you were battling addiction prior to being reinstated? Darren Waller: It’s kind of a crazy picture how both parallel each other. The moment I decided I was going to make music was the first or second day I got to Maryland after being drafted by the Ravens. But the first two years I was making music I didn’t really let anyone know I was making it. I started collaborating with some people back home in Georgia, and around the time I was suspended by the NFL, I had more time on my hands to create after rehab. By the time I got back into the league, music was providing a balance for me because of the toll football takes physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s always been a good way for me to step away and fill my cup. AskMen: In terms of filling your cup, what other techniques did you implement that helped you battle addiction? Darren Waller: Constant therapy, group settings, one-on-one settings, twelve step meetings, working with sponsors, journaling, being of service and giving back. Prayer and meditation were the real foundation of it, but there are a lot of things that keep me on that path. When I don’t do them, I can feel myself drifting—my mood changes, my mental health goes up and down. But when I’m in that pocket of doing those things and keeping a routine schedule of those things, I’m usually in a good place. AskMen: How much is taking care of yourself and your mental health a factor in showing up as the person you want to be? Darren Waller: It’s the most important—whether it’s being the player you want to be or the person you want to be. For so long, I felt the pressure of football and the pressure to succeed was taking the humanity out of the experience, making it all about results. There’s a human being in those shoulder pads, which you can forget if you’re not aware or present to the moment. It makes sense then that when my career was at a low point, it was because the person in those shoulder pads—the person who was supposed to make that career happen—was not being cared for or prioritized in any way. The moment I started taking care of myself and built habits to routinely do that, my talent was able to show itself. AskMen: Does the same process also help unlock your talent as an artist? Darren Waller: Without a doubt. The engineer I work with is at my house right now and every time we get together, we’ll lock in for four days or so and come out with eight to ten songs. I’m at shock with what comes out of my body and mind and the ideas channeling through me. I’m taking care of myself the best I ever have at this moment and it shows in the stuff I’m making. AskMen: And by channeling the music through you, you’re not trying to make it be something, it just is. Darren Waller: Yeah, anytime I feel like I need to come up with something, nothing happens. But being present in the moment and allowing it to take place, words can just flow out of me. You can’t force anything to happen in this life, you just have to accept the moment and let it be what it is. Something beautiful may come or it may not come—and if it doesn’t come, it’s not a reflection of who you are. You just have to be patient. AskMen: What are you channeling into your art? Darren Waller: Thoughts and emotions I’ve experienced that I feel a lot of people can relate to: Common, shared experiences. While I love making all types of music, the songs focusing on gratitude, real feelings and dealing with pain are my favorites. My music is about the truth of what I’m experiencing and taking the risk of sharing that. That will always be fulfilling. AskMen: Is there a parallel between being in flow while creating music and being in flow while playing football? Darren Waller: I got a lot better at the craft of playing football by just the number of reps I was putting in during the offseason and the intentionality behind those reps. In football, you’ll line up at several different spots on the field to get open. Similarly for music, one day I might rap more, the next I might have more melodies—some R&B or love stuff—and just flow in and out of these different pockets and not limit myself. My work ethic improved my football game, and with music, nobody is motivating me to come into the studio. It’s a freeing experience when nobody has to motivate you to do anything. I’m willing to do this because I’m a fire guy and I know this is going to lead to something. Whatever the reward is—even if it’s just feeling good about myself—I’m going to continue to invest in this. I walked away from the game because it wasn’t something I wanted to continue to do at this point in my life. But I can’t discount the number of things it taught me like resiliency, overcoming some form of adversity everyday, and showing up when you’re beat up or don’t want to play—but you go out there anyway and give your best effort. It taught me to be patient with the process: Seasons are long and off-seasons are long and you have to go through the whole off-season to get to the rewarding part where the games are. All of those principles helped me become a better man in life, and I have so much gratitude for what football has provided me. AskMen: In terms of your decision to walk away from the game, was putting on the cleats not fueling you the same way it had in the past? Darren Waller: Yeah, I feel like in ways I was chasing the highs of years before. There’s an “American” conditioning where if we do something—especially if we’re successful at it—we feel we have to keep doing it. A lot of people have careers where they’re able to work 50 years and never change, but I don’t necessarily want to do that. I’ve had some great moments and I’ve gone through so much in my career, but I reached a place where I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t honestly say why I was still there, I was only there because I was supposed to be there—and I don’t want to live my life based on what I’m supposed to be doing. I want to live my life based on what I want to be doing, and I’d reached a point where football wasn’t what I wanted to actively do. I know I’m going against the grain in that a lot of people wouldn’t make the decision I’m making, but I’ve always made decisions based on what people would want me to do, and I’ve got to shift. It’s got to be different or I’m going to continue feeling the same way. AskMen: So football started to feel more like work than play. Darren Waller: For sure, man. There started to be more days where I’d wake up in the morning saying, “f*ck!” rather than “let’s go.” I had to keep putting the mask on and making sure I wasn’t showing signs that my love and passion for the game was deteriorating. I had to make sure I was looking the part and having energy. I’d find myself stuck in these places—feeling ungrateful to know that somebody else would kill to be here—but it’s like, what about me? What about my life? AskMen: Once you made the adjustment to start taking care of yourself, did that have ramifications on your personal life? Darren Waller: All of the emotions from the football season definitely contributed. When I’m feeling those types of ways, I’m definitely isolative. Mix that in with being codependent and trying to always make sure everything is right for a partner or whomever I’m trying to please and get validation from—it eventually turns into resentment against them, when it’s really about me not prioritizing myself or communicating. There are a lot of things that contribute to it, and they will always spill over and affect the people who are closest to you. AskMen: How were you able to address and take accountability for that codependency in order to move past it? Darren Waller: First off, just being aware of it. I feel like codependency is branded to moms and old white ladies who are trying to be helicopter moms. But I fit the mold, man. All of it comes from childhood wounds and traumas from earlier in life. Addiction comes from that, too, so it’s about going back to those roots and spreading my recovery into different areas. AskMen: What would you say to people who are afraid to embark on the path of taking care of themselves? Darren Waller: For people who fear prioritizing themselves, I might ask them what not taking care of themselves is providing them. Not in a cutting tone—it’s something I had to ask myself as well. I would walk through my days longing for something better, but looking for something on the outside is never the recipe because it’s fleeting. Having a relationship with yourself where you’re taking care of yourself—you get to a point where life may still be difficult in seasons and there might be uncomfortable things you’ll need to walk through, but you’ll have a sense of groundedness in yourself—where you’re going to be okay internally regardless if things on the outside get a little crazy at times. You’ll be able to accept the world as it is and have inner peace, no matter what’s happening externally. That’s the journey. Follow @rackwall for the latest on Darren Waller and his music You Might Also Dig: How Damian Lillard Became Comfortable Being UncomfortableThierry Henry on Making Each Day CountShaggy Opens Up About the Future of Music