What to Avoid Doing in an Argument With Your Partner

Whether it’s over household chores, hurtful words, or how to decorate your new home, it’s inevitable that you and your partner will disagree from time to time. But it’s how those relationship disagreements play out that really matters, experts say. Fight fair and you may even bounce back stronger than before. Make a few below-the-belt jabs and you could very well sabotage the trust, respect, and intimacy in your relationship. RELATED: Habits That Erode Trust in Relationships “Arguments can either strengthen the bond and lead to growth and forward movement or weaken the bond, fostering resentment and leaving issues unresolved,” explains Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, a therapist in private practice in Studio City, CA. “Productive arguing — perhaps better labeled as a discussion — involves open communication where both parties feel equally heard, active listening, validation of the other person's perspective, empathy, and a focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame, Goldberg notes. “Conversely, not-so-productive arguments leave both parties feeling misunderstood and doubtful that change will occur.” According to Dr. Nathan Baumann, a clinical psychologist based in Denver, CO, unproductive argument tactics often stem from a need to self-protect from uncomfortable emotions, and an urge to punish to prevent future hurt. RELATED: Why Never Fighting Is Actually a Red Flag So, what specific argument techniques should you avoid? Therapists advise steering clear of the following problematic approaches. 1. Character Assassination Let’s say you’re annoyed with your partner because once again, they came home later than they said they would without giving you a heads up. Confronting them by saying something like, “You’re so unreliable” or “You obviously don’t care about me” is straight up character assassination. In other words, you’ve made the fight about who they are as a person. This approach likely won’t be well received by your partner, so you’re probably not going to get the compassion and understanding you’re looking for, says Alyse Freda-Colon, LCSW, a therapist in private practice. Instead, try focusing on the specific incident at hand. “It made me feel disregarded when you didn’t let me know you’d be home late” hits a lot different than “You’re so selfish.” 2. Digging Up the Past As tempting as it may be to bring up previous times when your partner hurt you while in the midst of an argument, Goldberg notes that doing so may only escalate things by putting your partner on the defensive. RELATED: How to Handle a Relationship Argument Not only that, but it can divert the attention from the current issue, meaning you may never actually solve it. If there’s a concerning pattern in your partner’s behavior, ideally you’ll want to bring it to their attention in the moment rather than waiting until your resentment builds up. 3. Making Comparisons Think of it this way. How would you feel if, in the middle of a fight with your partner, they said “You know, Brad’s girlfriend would never do that,” or “Why can’t you be more like Cameron’s husband?” Probably pretty crummy, right? It’s not fair to compare your partner to other people, because no two relationships are the same. “Focus on your relationship's unique dynamics and work together to find solutions that align with your needs and values,” says Goldberg. RELATED: The 5 Conflict Styles & When to Use Them in Your Relationship 4. Overgeneralizing Here are two words you’ll definitely want to avoid during arguments with your partner: “always” and “never.” According to Dr. Scott Lyons, a licensed holistic psychologist, making blanket statements about your partner’s behavior will land like an attack, automatically causing them to become defensive. Besides, there’s a good chance that they aren’t true. “Instead of generalizing, come up with a specific — and recent — example of your partner’s behavior and how it affected you,” says Lienna Wilson, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in private practice. 5. Stonewalling Refusing to engage with your partner during a conflict — otherwise known as “stonewalling” or “the silent treatment” — is actually more destructive than you might think. This might look like scrolling through your phone while your partner is trying to talk to you about an issue, neglecting to respond to their questions, or flat out walking out of the room, according to Nina Batista, LCSW, a therapist in private practice. “Stonewalling not only fails to resolve the problem but also makes the other person feel isolated and unimportant,” says Goldberg. So, what should you do when you feel like you’re shutting down, or too emotionally flooded to address the issue at hand? Suzette Bray, LMFT, a licensed therapist in private practice, advises taking a time-out. The key, though, is to tell your partner you need a few minutes to cool down and recalibrate rather than just storming out of the room and slamming the door. “The difference between taking some space to rethink or cool off and stonewalling is that the latter is closer to a punishment,” explains Baumann. “If stonewalling becomes a habit or a typical response to conflict, it can be hard to stop.” RELATED: Behaviors That Suggest You're Headed Toward Divorce “And stonewalling does not allow for the mutual and relational problem to be solved or collaborated on,” Baumann adds, “inevitably increasing the emotional distance between people and making it more unlikely you will ‘fight fairly’ in the future.” 6. Triangulation It’s one thing to ask a friend or family member for advice about a recent conflict with your partner. It’s quite another to ask that they text or call your partner to get them to do something. This is known as triangulation, and it puts your loved ones in a super awkward position. Worse yet, it can also intensify the conflict at hand. “Keep intimate matters within the relationship and seek support from a trusted family member, friend, or therapist whom you both agree to involve,” says Batista. 7. Deflection “Another destructive strategy is to pose oneself as being the innocent one,” says Dr. Brian Tierney, PhD, The Somatic Doctor. “It is far more effective to assume personal responsibility for one’s contribution to the escalation process.” Acknowledging what you could do better will only encourage your partner to do the same. Set a good example by showing that you can own up to your own role in the conflict. RELATED: How to Respectfully Disagree With Your Partner During Tough Times After all, the focus should be on coming to a mutual understanding rather than being right, says Bray. “Ask yourself: would you rather be right or happy?” she tells AskMen. “Being happy involves solving the problem so that the relationship can move forward.” 8. Vigorously Defending Yourself When your partner is pointing out something you did that they didn’t like, it’s natural to feel a bit defensive. By justifying your own behavior, you can dodge some super unpleasant emotions like shame and guilt. The problem is, when you immediately become defensive, you send the message to your partner that their feelings are invalid. RELATED: Here's How to Recover From a Bad Fight With a Partner “It comes across as making excuses for your behavior, and not really caring about how it impacted your partner,” explains Batista. As challenging as it may be, make it a point to really listen to your partner’s concerns and empathize with their emotional experience. This approach will help your partner feel seen and heard, thus allowing you to reach a resolution a whole lot faster — and that’s the ultimate goal, right? You Might Also Dig: Most Common Money Fights in Relationships and What To Do About Them8 Signs You're In a Healthy RelationshipRelationship Mistakes Not to Make