What Is Toxic Positivity?

As the saying goes, it is possible to have too much of a good thing — and that includes optimism. This is known as “toxic positivity,” and if you’ve ever been on the receiving end, you know how frustrating it can be when someone tries to talk you out of the sadness, disappointment, or pain you’re experiencing. Sometimes, you really just need someone to say, "Wow, that must be so difficult," or “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it sucks,” rather than telling you to smile and keep your chin up or reminding you of all you should be grateful for. Not to mention, studies have shown that suppressing feelings can actually cause more internal, psychological stress — so, no matter how well-intentioned your positive attitude may be, it’s important to remember that invalidating their emotions could cause real damage. RELATED: How Men Can Work on Improving Their Emotional Intelligence But how is toxic positivity defined? What are some examples of toxic positivity? And how can you make sure you don’t let it hurt your relationship? We talked to licensed therapists for the full low-down on this harmful habit. Here’s what to know. What Is Toxic Positivity? Dr. Jamie Huysman, a trauma-certified psychologist and licensed clinical social worker at WellMed Medical Management, defines toxic positivity as: “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations.” “This mindset rejects and denies any negative emotions, dismissing them in favor of a falsely positive front,” he explains. RELATED: How Using 'Solve Languages' Can Help Your Relationship According to Huysman, toxic positivity can occur in a wide range of relationships — including romantic partnerships, families, friendships, and even in the workplace. Toxic Positivity Examples Here are some phrases that exude toxic positivity when someone’s going through a hard time, according to Kristie Tse, a psychotherapist and the founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling: “Just stay positive!”“It could be worse.”“Well, everything happens for a reason.” Here are some other examples of toxic positivity in action: Saying “You’re so negative!” when your partner is expressing that they’re bummed about the fact that the forecast looks bad for their vacationSaying “Just be grateful that [XYZ] didn’t happen!” when your partner is sharing something upsetting that happened to themSaying, “Chin up, it’s not that bad!” when your partner is venting about how stressful things are at work RELATED: How to Recognize Unhealthy Relationship Habits Why Is Toxic Positivity Harmful? “Being positive is extremely beneficial for mental health in general,” says KC Hespeler, owner/psychotherapist at Shoreline Therapy. “However, toxic positivity entails dismissing or invalidating the normal, healthy experience and expression of so-called ‘negative emotions’ which are actually very important to feel and process.” It’s part of the human experience to be sad, disappointed, frustrated, and angry from time to time. A lot of us aren’t very good at “holding space” for these kinds of emotions, though — even when it comes to those we love. When we see our partner going through these emotions, we have the urge to “fix” them and turn their mood around.  And while it may seem harmless to try and respond with positivity, doing so sends the message that it’s not OK for them to feel their feelings. If the goal is to help them move past their pain, then responding with toxic positivity can actually do the opposite, according to Jenny Flora Wells, an associate clinical social worker and holistic therapist. “Solely trying to think our way out of feeling can make the messages from the body and mind more pronounced in the long run,” she says. The main problem with toxic positivity is that it dismisses genuine emotions, says Tse. For this reason, Wells notes that toxic positivity can even come across as gaslighting. “It can make someone feel like their lived experience isn’t valid,” she tells AskMen. “And when we are invalidated, it can be difficult to connect in the future for fear of being shamed for how we feel.” Tse points out that dismissing your partner’s emotions may leave them feeling unheard, misunderstood, or worse, not cared for. In the future, they may be more likely to hide their true feelings and maintain a facade of happiness. Or, they may begin to develop resentment toward you due to feeling their emotions aren’t valued or respected. RELATED: Here's How to Communicate Your Needs While Dating Many of us crave deep connection with our partners, says Wells — which often comes from sharing some of our uncomfortable emotions and experiences. “If we feel like we can’t share these things with our partner without being told to feel a certain way, it can cut off future chances of fostering that connection together,” she tells AskMen. How to Avoid Toxic Positivity If you notice that you have a tendency to respond to your partner with toxic positivity, here are some expert tips for what to try instead. First, Wells advises asking yourself why you have the impulse to resort to toxic positivity.  Is it because while growing up, your parents never made space for your negative emotions, and somehow sent the message that it’s not OK to feel these feelings? Is it because you lack emotional boundaries, and tend to take on your partner’s feelings — making it uncomfortable for you to sit with them in their sadness or anger?  RELATED: Signs You're in a Co-Dependent Relationship As you work toward breaking the habit of toxic positivity, understanding what’s driving it can be helpful. Next time your partner is sharing a personal difficulty, Hespeler advises asking them: “What would be most helpful for you right now? Would you like me to suggest a solution or do you just need to vent?” That way you avoid making assumptions about what kind of support they’re looking for — and don’t run the risk of accidentally dismissing or downplaying their feelings. “Aim to provide validation and empathy,” says Huysman. Here are some examples of alternative, validating responses, according to Tse: “It’s OK to feel sad about this — I’m here for you in whatever way you need,” instead of “Just stay positive.”“That sounds really tough, would you like to talk more about it?” instead of “It could have been worse.”“I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” instead of “You’ll be fine.” How to Deal with Toxic Positivity On the other hand, if your partner is the one exhibiting toxic positivity, experts advise being vocal about the fact that their responses aren’t helpful. “I always recommend the assertiveness script when communicating with our partner,” says Wells. “It helps us to keep a neutral stance and express how we feel versus jumping to accusatory language.” Here’s the script: “I feel [insert emotion: overwhelmed, ignored, disrespected, sad, etc.] when you [example of toxic positivity]. What I need from you is [alternative response or behavior change].” This gentle, non-accusatory approach is far less likely to put them on the defensive. You could also acknowledge a time when they did meet your emotional needs rather than resorting to toxic positivity. For example: “Hey, I really appreciated it when you patiently listened to me talk about how frustrated I am with my boss right now. Just so you know, that’s just what I needed. I would love it if you could try to keep doing that.” This is called positive reinforcement. Rather than pointing out the behavior you don’t want to see (toxic positivity), you’re highlighting the good behavior you do want more of. There are two benefits to this approach: There’s very little likelihood that your partner will feel attacked (meaning they won’t get defensive), and it can be super motivating. “You might say something like, ‘I know you're trying to help, and I appreciate your support, but sometimes, when I'm upset, I just need to feel heard and understood. It would mean a lot if you could just listen and acknowledge my feelings.’” adds Huysman. “Ensuring the conversation is non-confrontational and centered on mutual understanding can help your partner see the impact of their words and adjust their approach.” The most important thing to remember? “That no emotion is inherently bad or wrong,” says Hespeler. “They are all important and can teach us about ourselves and the world.” You Might Also Dig: How to Talk to Women & Communicate EffectivelyVulnerability and Emotional Suppression in MenPsychologist-Approved Ways to Improve Your Communication Skills