What Is Cuckolding? Here's What the Experts Say

While for many people, the idea of watching their partner be pleasured sexually by a third party is a terrifying nightmare, for lots of people, it’s a big turn-on. And while non-monogamous relationships may explore this in the context of what’s called ‘compersion,’ when it comes to the kink of cuckolding, it’s slightly different. Cuckolding has enjoyed a bit more mainstream attention in recent years due in no small part to the increased prevalence of the word “cuck,” used as an insult against a man to imply that he’s a cuckold. But while in the context of the insult that’s a bad thing, for people who get off on cuckoldry, it’s quite the opposite. RELATED: Guide to Hotwife & Cuckoldry Research suggests that “cuckold” has been a popular porn search term for over a decade now, so whether or not they act on it, there’s plenty of individuals out there that are titillated by the idea of a person watching their partner getting it on with someone else. But what about this particular fetish exactly makes it so popular? And can it ever actually work within the framework of a healthy relationship? We spoke to a couple of sex experts to get the lowdown on cuckolding (especially why some people find it hot AF). What Is Cuckolding? Basically, cuckolding involves someone getting aroused by observing their partner having sex with someone else. Not to be confused with a threesome, in a cuckold situation, the cuck doesn’t get in on the fun — they get off merely by watching the escapades that go down in front of them. Cuckolding isn’t technically considered cheating as it doesn’t occur behind the partner’s back. In fact, not only has the cuck given permission to their partner to have sex with another person, they’re also typically encouraging it. Is It Only Men Who Want to Be Cucked? Cuckolding is primarily a male-driven fantasy, perhaps because it plays on the expectations that a man should have some form of power and control over his partner, whereas the same societal understanding doesn’t apply in the other direction quite as strongly. It can also be an opportunity for a guy with an interest in being submissive to explore that fantasy if his partner doesn’t want to be dominant.  RELATED: How to Be Submissive, Explained However, that’s not to say there aren’t ladies with this fetish as well. When a woman enjoys watching her husband with someone else, it’s known as “cuckqueaning.” Meanwhile, the third party is typically known as the “bull.” How Common Is Cuckolding? A survey of about 4,200 Americans conducted by Justin Lehmiller, founder and editor of Sex and Psychology, revealed that more than half of men and about a third of women had fantasized about cuckolding. Keep in mind that just because they thought about their partner with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean they went through with acting on the fantasy. Interestingly, Lehmiller’s study also found that gay and bisexual men are more likely than heterosexual men to be interested in the fantasy, while lesbian and bisexual women are more likely than straight women to have cuckolding fantasies, too. Why Do Some Couples Enjoy Cuckolding So Much? There are a wide variety of reasons why someone might be into cuckolding. Clinical sexologist and relationship expert Dr. Laurel Steinberg, PhD, notes that for some, the act serves as a confirmation of just how hot their partner is, which can be a nice ego boost. Another scenario might have one partner with an insatiable sexual appetite that the other can’t fulfill, and since they want to make them happy, they get off vicariously by watching someone else pleasure them. “For one of my clients who is a male cuck, he revels in the humiliation that the woman is getting greater pleasure than he can provide,” says Davia Frost, certified sex and relationship coach and founder of Frosted Pleasure. “[Men] see a cuckold scenario as a safe way for their woman to have relations with such an individual without love or conflicting feelings,” she explains. “It can be more animalistic and sexual and stimulate partners mentally.” But for lots of people, the enjoyment that comes from cuckolding stems from the thrill of breaking conventional societal rules around monogamy and marriage. Finally, if the female partner has a high sex drive, she may enjoy getting to experience multiple partners in a way that excites her male partner rather than separately from him or behind his back. How Does Cuckolding Work, Exactly? For cuckolding to go down as part of a healthy, happy relationship, both partners need to be on board. Similar to threesomes and other fantasies or fetishes involving other people, it’s crucial to talk it over with your partner to make sure it’s something you both feel comfortable with. RELATED: A True Story of What It’s Like to Go Swinging “One misunderstanding can cause a partner to feel terrible emotional pain and have bad memories that last a lifetime, so plan carefully,” says Steinberg. “Have many, many conversations during which you detail exactly what you plan on doing and what the other people will be doing. Be as descriptive as possible, including discussing how you relate to the event when it is over.” Additionally, their trust should be rock solid before bringing another person into the bedroom. For couples who’ve only experienced monogamy beforehand, trying something new like this can be a big step from an emotional perspective. You might expect to feel arousal, but what if you only feel shock or jealousy or a complex mix of emotions instead? Ultimately, for some couples, cuckolding works out better in fantasy than it does when it plays out in real life. Just because you enjoy the idea of your partner getting it on with someone else in front of you doesn’t mean you can actually handle it in real life. RELATED: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner There will be logistical issues — finding a bull who who fits what you’re both looking for and comfortable with, talking through likes, dislikes and boundaries with each other and the bull, scheduling, dealing with any emotions that arise in the aftermath, etc. And since acting on this fantasy can be a big step in any relationship, Frost highly advises starting slow with a gradual ease into the full thing. “I recommend watching someone give your partner a sensual massage, setting the whole scene and everything,” she explains. “If that’s too much for you to handle, please speak your truth with your partner.” Frost also points out that for some couples, just talking about or entertaining the possibility of cuckolding can be enough to turn them on. An example could be discussing what they would want to see their partner do with someone else, or by having their partner tell them about past sexual encounters. Is cuckolding for everyone? Certainly not. But if you decide to boldly explore this fetish, heed the above advice and just be sure to cover the two C’s: communication and consent. You Might Also Dig: Here's What It's Really Like to Be Cucked Sexual Fetishes Every Guy Should Try at Least Once How to Explain Your Fetish to Your Partner