updates: not having work friends as the boss, the controversial client, and more

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Adjusting to not having work friends now that I’m everyone’s manager (#2 at the link)

I wrote about six months ago about loneliness at work after being promoted to location manager. On the whole, I’m feeling a great deal more comfortable! Some of my staff were promoted or otherwise moved to different jobs, so the current mix of people has known me mostly as Boss. I’ve been very intentional about being friendly with staff, and the new faces who weren’t my coworkers before have made it much easier to be Friendly Boss to everyone equally. I’ve also been able to start cultivating more communication with managers at other locations, which has helped. My most senior report is doing great at taking on leadership and being in charge when I am gone, which I think has mitigated a lot of stress that I didn’t realize I was feeling as well.

As for making other adult friends with little kids, thanks to everyone for your advice! Some of it I’ve tried out (with limited success; terminal introvert, here), some of it will probably come in handy in the future. My spouse stays home with the kids, so we don’t have daycare friends to get together with. I know I didn’t make it clear in my original letter, but I do have a long-standing hobby group once a week. I was having some trouble getting close to people there but didn’t have the bandwidth to join anything else. Since then, I’ve been more strategic in how I try to connect with the others in that group and in my religious gathering, and it’s becoming easier to connect in both places.

So I might have to be resigned to a new type of relationship with people at work, but I don’t need to be resigned to loneliness!

2. My team doesn’t want to work for a client whose politics they disagree with

Well, the big project we were kicking off at the time is nearing its end, so still TBD on whether or not we survive. :) But as you recommended, I discussed it with upper management and our two highest executives/owners shared how they are both personally active in helping immigrants, which was good for boosting morale among my team.

The client’s social media related to that has quieted down, thank goodness, and they didn’t try to discuss any of that side of their organization within the scope of our project with them. We worked through some minor annoying requests like the usage of “Gulf of America,” but I am hopeful that the tide is starting to turn within our industry against the administration.

None of our other clients have had any sort of requests along these lines, so that’s good! Our biggest problem is mass turnover among clients because their government jobs are so volatile right now that many are leaving for private sector work.

Update to the update:
I spoke too soon. After the final proofing stage, they are now requesting we swap out photos to include some of an elected official with members of ICE. I feel physically sick, and my team wants to push back. Again, it’s a huge project for us with a big financial impact, not to mention the time and resources we’ve put into it, considering I first wrote to you in February.

3. What if hiring a spouse is truly the best choice?

In accord with your advice, our church board all agreed that we didn’t want to hire the minister’s partner as music director, but somehow the HR committee wound up letting her interview anyway. The minister had been so careful to stay out of it that she never even told her partner of the depth of concerns, so it all came as a surprise to the partner in the interview. Fortunately, the partner wound up getting a better offer and withdrew her application before we had to tell her we wouldn’t hire her.

Unfortunately, the other best candidate also withdrew, so we had to start the search all over. Fortunately we did find and hire a wonderful candidate who had not applied in the first round. Unfortunately, the partner/applicant issue inflamed feelings among the choir, who were convinced that the minister had driven out the previous music director. (Not true, but it was a confidential HR issue so no one got the full picture.)

Subsequent work with conflict consultants leads me to believe that music directors are often the focal point of bad blood in congregations. It’s a tricky in-between position, involving deep commitment and loyalty within the music program, and a leader whose skill and training is in music, not religion or management or ministerial presence.

4. I’m getting too many requests for practice exchange (#3 at the link)

I wrote in after being inundated with requests for practice exchange visits. I took both your and the commenters‘ advice to heart and shared it with my team.

A) I decided to point requesters to our university’s week for guests, where people can visit all the units at once. The next one is in 1.5 years‘ time, but it’s something to offer at least. I also send the recordings we already have.

B) I suggested, like someone did in the comments, that my team prep a schedule and short talks we might trot out for every visitor. They thought it’s a good idea.

C) I also took the advice to select with our own benefit in mind, so I’ve just been saying no.

D) I also have been saying no a lot to zoom networking, and to some invites to give talks/workshops, unless it’s really high-profile or from universities we have pre-existing “diplomatic” relationships with, or I just really like the people. I manage a team of six now and serve a target population of 2000, so I feel they need to be my priority.

The stuff I said yes to this year all had a big impact, so I’m very happy. Thanks to all who gave advice!

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