updates: I get bad vibes from my new boss, job searching while being stalked, and more

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. I get bad vibes from my new boss

You advised me to act like a normal professional and that was absolutely the right thing to do. When we interact, the new director is pleasant and has nice things to say to me and about the work that I do.

I don’t think that she is nefarious, but unfortunately she is incompetent. She’s been a fairly absent leader, giving vague direction to teams then providing conflicting direction at the last minute, and starting meetings by sharing “profound” lessons learned or extended metaphors about her latest vacation, complete with photos (why do so many executives love to make people look at their vacation photos?). The mid- and senior-level managers beneath her have become increasingly demoralized due to a leadership style that is somehow both neglectful and micromanagey, and over time many have come to me and shared their frustrations and concerns.

That being said, you had good advice that I keep my misgivings to myself and just keep an open mind about where things were heading and what she was like as a person. It is unlikely that the people who oversee my director will address these serious gaps in leadership skill, which I suppose points to an organizational problem that I hadn’t paid attention to previously. So in the meantime, I’m heaping copious praise on the people who are actually doing the work, naming and praising the rare occasions that the director does actually lead, and just waiting until she gets bored with this work and moves on to something else.

2. Job searching while being stalked and harassed (#3 at the link)

Great news: I got a job! Right before my final interview, I reached out to the HR folks to inform them that if a background check was completed, there was a possibility that my legal nonsense would be exposed. They thanked me for my transparency and confirmed that it shouldn’t be a problem and also it was unlikely to show up. They very much understood that I wanted to inform them in case of a nasty shock.

I just completed my first week and there’s such a relief. My abuser didn’t win. I’m in my industry, in a role I’ve been wanting to move into for a long time, and compensated accordingly! While there were some hiccups (such as requiring the first name.lastname@company and I would’ve been required to change my preferred name and then have to explain that I actually go by another name; I declined due to complexity), I’m confident that if he comes out of the woodwork, I’m not doomed. I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments and let them know I appreciated all the insight.

For anyone who is a victim of this particular brand of torture, I want to reassure you that you’ll reclaim things and identities you thought you lost. Not going to lie that the process is crappy and hard, but you’ll get to the other side with enough time. I highly recommend leaning on domestic violence organizations. Even if the career aspects don’t necessarily fit your life (I’ve found that support for office workers was limited and I am seriously considering doing something to fill that gap), having someone listen and stand by with you? Incredible.

You’re all amazing and thank you!

3. People are bouncing on yoga balls during Zoom calls

I basically took your advice. But instead of calling the people out in the meeting, I mentioned it to each of them separately. They readily agreed to stop bouncing with their cameras on. The problem was solved completely, immediately. I’ve tried to encourage more of a cameras-off culture for my meetings in general, because Zoom fatigue is real, especially for women (this is proven) and my company is majority women.

I was surprised there was a contingent in the comments who found this controversial! They felt like I was entitled or trying to restrict people from exercising for my comfort. Other people were saying, they can still use their walking pad but with their cameras off, so there’s no detriment to them. I appreciated the person who said that bouncing on camera is like spraying excessive perfume before you go into the office (because it’s discourteous/would obviously cause others discomfort/selfish).

4. I don’t know how to respond to this job rejection feedback (#4 at the link)

I’m happy to report that I’m employed!

A couple months after this letter was posted, the same recruiter who had rejected me for a position, due to a former employee who wanted to return, reached back out with another opportunity at that company asking for similar skills and experience, and it’s been smooth sailing since then. It’s a very welcome change of pace from my previous role (a bit slower on the day-to-day), and I’ve developed a good rapport with my new team.

Thank you and everyone in the comments section, for your support!

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