update: I’m drowning at work because of a family situation — how do I talk about it?

Remember the letter-writer who was drowning at work because their dad had recently died and was wondering how to talk to colleagues about it? Here’s the update.

Thank you so much again for answering my email. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to receive your kind words, and of course all the level-headed comments by the readership. I’m sorry I couldn’t engage more with the comments at the time, but I read them all and they really helped put things in perspective.

Your response was such a relief: I was worried there was something wrong with me, but your validation of my grief and your advice to be up-front about the situation gave me the bravery I needed to approach the board about how my father’s illness and passing cumulatively affected my work. People were very sympathetic, though many of the commenters hit the nail on the head: as is common in nonprofits, we have too few employees, too much work, and everyone is overtaxed. This situation directly contributed to how bad things got, and I’m not sure our board will ever truly understand this. That said, after years of asking for it, I have recently had a new budget approved for delegation of some granular duties to our contract staff, who have been itching for more hours, so there’s hope. Ideally, we’ll get to a place someday when our infrastructure is such that a life emergency won’t result in a situation as dire as this one (though I’d be up for a little peace and quiet from emergencies for a while).

The project in question was miraculously completed on time, and it went as well as it could have, though there was some fallout: as a result of the deadline issues, we needed to push things through more quickly than normal and take a few risks — a situation that I don’t want to find myself in again. I also needed to let some other less urgent things go to get the project done. A lot of emails went unanswered. Most people were forgiving, so that’s a huge relief. I’m not completely out of the woods yet, as a domino effect can be hard to control once it starts, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve also taken a lesson from this and am trying to be more deliberate about what I am willing to take on, including commitments outside of work, and taking on extra projects for my job to promote the organization as much as possible. Part of the problem was that I worked all the time and I didn’t give myself space to grieve, except for a few small vacations which felt good but were also sort of like trying to stem the tide of burnout with a spoon.

At any rate, things aren’t perfect yet, and grief is a strange and hard journey. But I’m so grateful for this website. It is a light of kindness and compassion in this world.

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