Uncomfortable Conversations in the Church: What does the Bible say about divorce?

We know that God intends for marriage to be lifelong.

But when a marriage breaks down because of adultery, abuse or addiction, how should a Christian respond? What hope then is there?

In Part One of this series on divorce, we explore what the Bible says on this complex issue.

Helping us to understand God’s heart for marriage are:

• Rev Wilfred Leow, Pastor-in-Charge, Paya Lebar Chinese Methodist Church. Other than being a licensed wedding solemniser, he also conducts marriage preparation classes and mentors married couples.
• Pastor Jeremy Choy, City Harvest Church. A trained counsellor, he also oversees the CityFamilies committee, which champions family life in the church.
• Rev Jenni Ho-Huan. Raised and ordained in the Presbyterian Church, Ps Jenni’s passions include spiritual formation, family life and women’s ministry.
• Rev Joey Chen, Pastor, Paya Lebar Methodist Church. She looks after the Family Life, Youth and Young Adult ministries.

1. The Bible addresses specific circumstances where divorce is a concession, eg sexual immorality (Matthew 19:7-9) and desertion by unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). How would you advise someone who has been hurt by these actions and is thinking about divorce?

Ps Wilfred: Ideally, the Bible counsels no initiation of divorce even if you’re wronged or the victim of any of the biblically valid grounds for divorce. Generally, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16).

However, if the other party is guilty of any of the biblically valid grounds of divorce, the initiation of divorce is permissible as the other party has broken the covenant of marriage. In Scriptures, marital sexual immorality, abandonment/desertion and neglect (Exodus 21:10-11) are the only three explicit grounds that I am aware of.

That being said, the Bible does seem to allow divorce even though the reason for it may not fall under these three grounds.

Matthew 19:8 tell us that God permits divorce only because people’s hearts are hardened. The implication is that divorce is not the preferred response. To prevent the pain and trauma of being in a conflictual relationship, out of compassion, God allows such a step.

Even if it leads to such a choice, I would advise to separate only. If separation is not a tenable choice, then divorce may be considered.

Ps Joey: If the spouse who has committed sexual immorality is repentant and desires to change, the betrayed spouse might want to prayerfully consider whether they are willing, with God’s help and the help of professional counsellors, to rebuild the marriage. It will not be easy, but it is important to pray through this decision.

I have seen marriages redeemed by God and people transformed into holiness because of a spouse’s willingness to forgive. Such sacrifices embody the love of Christ, and God can use it to bring about greater holiness in both parties.

However, if the unfaithful spouse is not repentant and refuses to honour marriage as a holy institution between a man and a woman, the marriage is only in name and not in reality. There can be no hope of redemption unless there is repentance. The outcome in such situations is typically for the betrayed spouse to separate from the unfaithful spouse.

In the case of desertion by a spouse, the deserted spouse should try their best to persuade the other party to stay and work on the marriage. Part of the process will include the deserted spouse reflecting on how they may have contributed to the situation.

But if the other party has made up their mind to leave, there is little that the deserted spouse can do. It takes two committed individuals working together to build a thriving marriage, so one spouse’s decision to desert the other essentially dissolves the marriage.

Regardless of whether someone is facing desertion or has been betrayed by their spouse, it is a traumatic and life-changing event that causes hurt and confusion. I would advise them to speak to their pastor for guidance and prayer; surround themselves with trusted, godly peers of the same gender for emotional support and prayer; and seek counselling for healing and clarity.

Ps Jeremy: Immediate support should be given to the offended spouse. However, I would also strongly encourage both spouses to step back and focus on themselves and their relationship.

Often, while the actions of the offending spouse are unacceptable, I would also question why he or she behaved as they did. What circumstances might have contributed to their actions? 

Deciding to divorce is rarely a sudden decision. I would aim to facilitate deep conversations and raise awareness through counselling. With God’s help, we pray that hearts will be softened so that the couple can find their way towards reconciliation. 

Ps Jenni: The most important thing is to support the person and help them see that God is present and at work. If they are receptive, we can then discern what God is doing and respond from there.

God is at the heart of reconciliation, so He is seeking to help us be reconciled within ourselves and then with each other. It is impossible to seek peace when one is at war within oneself.

This entails pulling the person back from the regular narratives such as “what I deserve” and “what my rights are”, which while valid may not help the person to grow in awareness and maturity. Instead, it is crucial to try to bring some calm and ask them to work at their own growth.

Statistics also tell us that if a divorcee plans to marry again, the remarriage faces a greater risk of divorce. The odds of success just from changing a partner are very slim unless one grows and outgrows some things.

The goal is to help the person learn to turn to God and abide in His immeasurable grace and providence. This will help them make the strongest decisions, which could be to walk away, but to do so with conviction.

In instances of sexual immorality and desertion, we want to protect the wronged spouse, but we don’t want reactive choices. We also want to seek to restore the one who has sinned.

Both of these cannot happen if they are not open to investigate, learn and grow. The outcomes can be very varied, so it’s not a simple stay or split scenario. The situation is even more delicate when children are involved.

2. While sexual immorality (Matthew 19:9) is often understood as referring to sexual relations, other forms of persistent unfaithfulness, eg pornography addiction, extramarital affairs without sexual relations can also have major consequences on a marriage. How would you interpret this verse?

Ps Wilfred: Contextually, it is highly doubtful that the original writer or reader would interpret sexual immorality as any other thing other than the sexual act. These are modern attempted extrapolations or applications.

So, strictly, the other above-mentioned reasons cannot serve as valid biblical grounds for divorce. The use of the spirit of the law as a guide is valid but problematic. When a definition becomes too loose and too wide, then a lot of things can fall under it and the boundary becomes too wide.

As sexual immorality is a valid condition for divorce, would we want to extend this to say that even emotional unfaithfulness is a ground for divorce? As a lawful condition, it is better to have a stricter definition.

Ps Jeremy: Sexual immorality is porneia in Greek. It is a broad term that can encompass various kinds of unlawful sexual behaviour (not just adultery). The Lord Himself said in Matthew 5:28 that lustful intent is, in itself, a form of adultery of the heart.

While there is both a strict (adultery) and a broad definition of porneia, I would interpret it as any form of habitual or persistent covenant-breaking sexual sins – chronic use of pornography, ongoing affairs (including emotional ones) or any sexual behaviour (such as prostitution or cybersex) that breaks the trust and destroys intimacy in a marriage. 

Relational sciences tell us that episodes of betrayal can cause serious damage to any marriage. Different forms of betrayal can break the marriage covenant.

Apart from infidelity, other forms of betrayal can include emotional or physical abandonment of the partner in need during times of crisis; dishonesty and secrecy with regard to financial misuse; and substance abuse or addictions. These are “attachment injuries” that erode the trust and intimacy in the marital relationship. 

Having said this, I would still endeavour to restore the marriage.

Ps Jenni: This expansion of what is considered immorality is a welcome development. Humans are sinners by bent, and we are able to invent new ways to subvert God’s reign and good will.

I think that we need to deal with the root issue of a low view of marriage in our churches. Can the average couple articulate what a Christian marriage is and why it differs from a secular one?

When we begin with the purpose and the design, it gives us the plumbline to evaluate and process. I would bring this vision before the couple and urge them to reach for God’s higher good for them.

But if one party is recalcitrant, then the reality is this couple will have a certain quality of marriage – not intimate for sure, and the other may also at times feel unsafe and betrayed.

That said, I would not immediately recommend divorce, especially if children are involved. Ideally, if each party is willing to work on themselves and grow their dependence and love for God – even in small steps – this can start to turn the tide.

Ultimately, all of us enter marriage poorly prepared, bearing wounds, and marriage wakes us up to these truths and gives us a chance to seek wholeness and holiness (sanctification). But alas, not everyone is open to such a journey. 

Ps Joey: Sexual immorality (porneia) is a broad category for sexual sins: In 1 Corinthians 5:1, the word is used to refer to incest, and in 1 Corinthians 6:13, Paul talks about sexual immorality in close connection to union (sex) with a prostitute.

The spirit of the law is about maintaining sexual purity, whether you’re single or married, and not how far one can go before it becomes sexual immorality. In Ephesians 5:3, Paul says “there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality”.

Sex is a good thing created by God that is meant to seal and affirm the marriage covenant, maintain the oneness and intimacy of husband and wife, and produce children. Sex, according to God’s design, is life-giving. Sexual sin, on the other hand, destroys the marriage covenant, damages the soul of the one who sins, and hurts the spouse and children.

The spouse of someone who is gripped by sexual immorality struggles with thoughts like, “Am I not good enough?”, “My spouse doesn’t want me”, “My spouse doesn’t love me”. They may also feel disgust at the sin and/or judge their spouse for their sexual immorality.

I urge you not to let the pain turn you in upon yourself, but to take the pain to God and ask Him to help you to choose holiness. Holiness will look like being there for your spouse, especially if your spouse has the desire to overcome that sin. If they are to overcome that sin, they need your support. Pray for your spouse and love them through it.

3. What if a marriage is suffering from a serious problem that the Bible does not explicitly address as one of the conditions under which a person may divorce? Eg, if one spouse is a victim of abuse, steeped in addiction or no longer wants to work on the marriage?

Ps Wilfred: I would consider physical abuse to be a biblical ground for divorce though it is not explicitly stated in Scriptures. This is an inexcusable, clear violation of the marriage covenant. A safe environment would presumably be a core part of the expectation of a marriage covenant.

The other grounds mentioned above are too grey for one to come to a conclusion that they are biblically valid grounds. However, if it rises to the level of neglect of provisions, then it becomes a biblical ground.

Ps Jeremy: Physical violence and psychological abuse are not condoned by God (Psalm 11:5, Isaiah 60:18, Matthew 5:22).

In my opinion, any action or habit that may cause a spouse to abandon their duty to mutually submit and love their partner (Ephesians 5:21-33) can be considered as a form of abandonment or desertion. In a way, you have failed to honour the vows you made. 

Again, every case is unique in its context and requires a different approach. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

Any form of restoration and reconciliation begins with self-awareness – understanding the reasons and circumstances that led to one’s actions – and having a few conversations at the right time to foster healing in the marriage. 

Ps Jenni: The spouse who is suffering will be traumatised and deeply hurt. Where there is physical violence, there will also be bodily harm.

The Bible does not address all instances of our deviousness, but sets up the vision of Shalom, reconciling of the genders (Jeremiah 2:13, Galatians 3:28), mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21) and sanctification to guide us towards what is good (Romans 13:13, Ephesians 5:3).

When either refuse the good God is offering but seeks their own ways of soothing, security or significance, repentance is called for. The aggrieved party must also be kept safe and given the chance to heal. There are separate processes going on.

The priority is to work with each party according to their needs and maturity. They can then be brought together to consider their next steps. If one party has clearly violated their vows and refuses to repent, the marriage has been nullified in spirit.

In my pastoral experience, the spousal response can vary greatly. I have seen couples restore as well as part ways.

Ps Joey: My advice would be: Do what it takes to ensure your personal safety and the safety of dependents; do what you can to support your spouse to break free from their abusive or compulsive behaviour (this may mean enlisting the help of relatives or church leaders); and have a period of separation with the aim of restoring the marriage.

But if the abusive or addicted spouse is unwilling to take drastic steps to change, it will not be possible to restore the marriage.

For issues such as incompatibility (including the complaint that one’s spouse “has changed”), frequent quarrels and the spouse not putting in effort into the relationship, I would urge couples to do what they can to resolve that. This could involve one or both parties going for counselling, making an effort to reconnect and/or finding common activities to bond over.

All marriages go through difficult seasons. Many who have stuck through the difficult seasons have found seasons of blessings. Don’t quit without a fight. Wrestle with God in prayer: Ask Him to search your heart, ask Him for grace to love your spouse and ask Him to transform your marriage.

It is important that we see marriage as God designed it – a holy institution. Following Jesus in our marriage is part of our journey of discipleship, a journey which often requires us to take up our cross and die to self-will.

We should set a high bar for what marital issues justify divorce because we need to take seriously what the Bible says about marriage bonds being for life. Or as the Pastor says during the wedding: “What God has joined together, let no one put asunder.”

A marriage is a covenant, not a contract. In a contract, you give what is due to the other person only when you receive what is due to you. In a covenant, you promise to give 100% regardless of what the other person is giving. You are making this marriage covenant not just with the other person but with God.

When you take up your cross in your marriage, you are doing this as sacrificial worship to God. It doesn’t mean that there are no grounds for separation or divorce, but it does mean that divorce should be a last resort.

For more insights on this issue, read Part Two on Uncomfortable Conversations in the Church: How should churches respond to divorce and remarriage?

RELATED STORIES:

Healing childhood wounds, building a relationship that lasts: Pastor Craig Hill shares powerful tips on love and marriage

From the brink of divorce to a glimpse of true love

Don’t wait until it hurts. Here’s where to get help for your marriage

The post Uncomfortable Conversations in the Church: What does the Bible say about divorce? appeared first on Salt&Light.