The Fertility Problem Is His, But My Husband Says I Must Accept This or Lose My Marriage

I have been married to my husband for four years, and we still don’t have any children. For the past four years, we have done everything medically possible just to hear the cry of a baby in our home. We have been to all kinds of hospitals, searching for answers and hoping for good news. The doctors have told us that our fertility challenges are not beyond medical treatment, but the journey has been far from easy.

I had a myomectomy to remove uterine fibroids while keeping my uterus intact, while my husband has been on medication. The problem is mostly on my husband’s side. It turns out his sperm viability and motility are low, and many of his sperm are abnormal. But what God cannot do does not exist, so we continue to hold on to hope.

Over the years, we have found joy in the middle of all this. We have found ways to keep loving each other despite the burden we carry, and for that, I am grateful.

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That is why I need advice. Recently, my husband and I had one of the hardest conversations of our marriage.

He suggested that if we are still unable to have a biological child together, we should adopt. I was open to hearing him out until he added something that completely caught me off guard. He also wants to have his own biological child with another woman, then bring that child home for me to raise.

Yes, you read that right. His suggestion is that he would go outside our marriage, have an affair with another woman, get her pregnant, and then bring the child home for us to raise as our own.

I have told him, “The day you bring a child I didn’t mother into this house is the day I will pack my bags, leave, and never return. Just so you know.”

I know myself. I do not have the emotional strength to raise my husband’s child with another woman. That is one boundary I know I cannot cross.

Because of this disagreement, he believes we should separate, go our separate ways to rethink everything so that each of us can pursue the future we want and find happiness. I honestly don’t think he sees things from my point of view.

First of all, our financial situation makes his suggestion even more unrealistic.

I am a classroom teacher, and my husband does not even have stable employment. We practically live from hand to mouth. IVF is completely out of the question; we cannot afford it. On top of that, we are already drowning in debt from hospital bills. We can’t keep moving from one hospital to another, let alone spend money on herbal or alternative treatments.

What scares me even more is what comes after divorce.

I’ve seen how society treats divorced women. I’ve watched people mock married women who don’t have children. I’ve seen friends post subtle but painful comments on their WhatsApp statuses. I’ve also watched some husbands’ families make women feel like they have failed simply because they couldn’t give them grandchildren.

It’s heartbreaking. As much as part of me wants to leave and protect my peace, I’m also afraid.

I’m almost 36 years old. What if I leave this marriage and still don’t have a child? What if I lose the man I love and end up spending the rest of my life alone? What if I leave hoping for a better future but never find it?

Those thoughts keep me awake at night. So I’m asking those who have been where I am, or who are still walking this road, to please share your experiences. How did you make your decision? What worked for you?

To the men reading this, if I were your sister, daughter, or niece, what advice would you give me?

Please help me make one of the hardest decisions of my life. And before anyone judges me, let me say this. It isn’t that I can’t raise another person’s child. That is not what this is about, and it certainly doesn’t make me wicked or selfish.

I don’t know the kind of woman my husband may have a child with. Realistically, very few women would willingly carry a pregnancy, give birth, and hand over their child to another woman to raise without complications. Even if she agreed to it at first, there is no guarantee things would remain peaceful.

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I also don’t know what kind of relationship I would be forced to have with the child’s mother or how my husband’s family would treat me in that situation.

Most importantly, I don’t have enough confidence that my husband would be able to protect me from all the emotional complications that could come with such an arrangement. At this stage of my life, I just want to protect my peace of mind, my sanity, my dignity, and my self-respect. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

— Ella
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