So, You Had a Sex Fantasy About a Friend? Here’s What It Means

When you’re daydreaming about sex, nothing kills the vibe faster than your fantasy being interrupted by someone you’re in a platonic relationship with. Experiencing this once is easy to get over, shake off, and move on. But experiencing this time and again? Well, that’s bound to cause all sorts of confusion. Why are they there? Are you unconsciously… kinda into them? No! What? Go away!

Wondering what it all means is sure to send you down a cringey, and sometimes guilt-inducing, rabbit hole. Trust me, I’ve been there. So I tapped Flirtini’s Sex and Relationships Expert, Charisse Cooke, for insight. Ahead lies everything to know about having a sex fantasy about a friend, including if it’s normal, what it means, if it’s cause for concern (or wrong if you’re in a relationship), and lastly, what to do about it.

MEET THE EXPERT

Charisse Cooke

Charisse Cooke is a London-based MNCPS-accredited psychotherapist, online educator (with 120K+ followers), author of “The Attachment Solution” book, and resident expert at Flirtini, specializing in relationships, dating, and sex.

Is it normal to have a sex fantasy about a friend?

Fantasizing about a friend can make you feel like you’re crossing the boundaries of friendship, but it turns out that thinking about a friend sexually is totally normal. Cooke says these fantasies are merely a way of dealing with complex emotions our brains process daily, like desire, stress, and connection. Plus, we don’t get to choose our fantasies. This is why people we’re comfortable with sometimes show up unannounced. According to Cooke, they are our brain’s “go-to image” for a safe and trustworthy figure.

Additionally, sometimes a fantasy is just a fantasy. Cooke says daydreaming about a friend doesn’t mean you secretly want an intimate relationship with them. Rather, it means that your brain is choosing someone you feel comfortable enough with to explore; and because sexual exploration can bring up complex emotions like discomfort, thrill, and so forth, it’s only natural that your brain will choose someone you can trust to explore them with you.

What does it mean when you have a sex fantasy about a friend?

They have qualities you admire

Having a sex fantasy about a friend is totally normal, but if the same person keeps showing up time and again, there might be a reason for that. According to Cooke, this might indicate that your friend has a quality you admire. Oftentimes, this is a personality trait you share or value in a partner, like ambition. In this case, you’re using their persona to make the fantasy feel real; this makes it easier to imagine the kind of interaction you’d have in bed with a partner who has their personality.

They have something you believe is missing from your sex life

Additionally, Cooke says fantasizing about a friend can also occur if your friend has something that you believe is missing from your sex life. For example, someone who’s adventurous and open-minded might appear in a fantasy if you’re on a mission to spice up your sex life. This is because you believe they embody the traits of someone willing to take that journey with you. In this sense, your friend can essentially become a visual representation of the kind of lover you’re seeking rather than the object of your desire.

“People we’re comfortable with sometimes show up unannounced… they are our brain’s ‘go-to image’ for a safe and trustworthy figure.”

You’re trying to escape reality

I think we can all agree that sex is one of the rare times we can actually disconnect from the real world. And yet, doing this is sometimes easier said than done. Our minds drift elsewhere, something distracts us, and before we know it, we’re pondering what to make for dinner and how to tackle tomorrow’s to-do list. It’s times like this when fantasies come in clutch. “Fantasies are most often metaphors for what our mind likes to focus on at the moment,” Cooke said simply. They help us stay grounded and present enough to fully enjoy and immerse ourselves in the experience. In this instance, “your subconscious is simply trying to give you what you crave,” according to Cooke.

READ: I Stopped “Spectatoring” And My Sex Life Immediately Improved

When, if at all, should you be concerned?

Sex fantasies are a natural part of life—we all have them. Typically, fantasizing about a friend isn’t anything to stress over. But if these fantasies start disrupting your sex life, that might be cause for concern. These disruptions can happen in a myriad of ways, including but not limited to:

• Difficulty staying present during sex
• Feeling distant from your partner after daydreaming
• Revisiting the fantasy to the point where you feel uncomfortable

Basically, it’s a red flag when the fantasy is negatively impacting your sex life. If this happens, Cooke recommends talking to a therapist about what’s going on. “Not because the fantasy as such is bad, but because it’s probably pointing to some unresolved needs or issues.”

READ: I Sometimes Fantasize About My Ex While Masturbating—Does This Mean I’m Not Over Them?

If you are in a relationship, should you feel guilty about having a sex fantasy about a friend?

If you’re happily taken, having someone other than your partner pop up smack-dab in the middle of a sexual daydream can bring your world to a screeching halt. Worse, this typically sends you on a downward spiral, questioning what it all means and whether you’ve crossed a line. However, Cooke says there’s a big difference between cheating and fantasizing. Cheating requires intentional action. Sex fantasies, meanwhile, are private and meant just for you (unless you want to share them, of course).

“Your friend can essentially become a visual representation of the kind of lover you’re seeking rather than the object of your desire.”

Cook emphasizes there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty for or ashamed of. “Guilt can worsen the situation by adding an extra layer of secrecy to it, driving you even farther from your current partner,” she warned. To prevent this from happening, she recommends looking at fantasies as your mind’s “outlet.” This means paying attention to what your brain thinks is existing, reassuring, sensual, and so forth. “This way, you can actually learn from the situation instead of punishing yourself for adultery that never even happened,” Cooke said.

READ: How to Embrace Your Sexual Fantasies, According to a Sex Therapist

What should you do if you’re fantasizing about a friend?

If you’re fantasizing about a friend, the last thing you should do is hit the panic button. Instead, Cooke says to stay open-minded and curious; this will enable you to analyze the situation and learn more about yourself sexually. To start, she suggests thinking about the qualities of your friend that normally show up when you’re fantasizing, such as humor, spontaneity, or novelty. Then, if you feel comfortable, try bringing more of that into your life, especially in the bedroom. This applies regardless of whether you’re in a relationship.

For example, if you’re craving spontaneity, you can try searching for new sex positions to try, kinks to explore, and so forth. Likewise, if you’re chasing novelty, find and create new sexual scenarios for yourself, like role-playing. There’s really no wrong way to do this, so long as you remain open-minded and true to yourself and your desires, and all parties consent.

Alternatively, you don’t have to sit with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. “If a particular fantasy feels too persistent or troubling, talking to a specialist can often unpack it,” Cooke explained. A professional will be able to help you get to the root cause of what’s bothering you and why, which will ultimately make your sex life better in the long run.

When it comes down to it, fantasizing about a friend isn’t inherently sinful. After all, fantasies are a normal part of the human experience. Ultimately, Cooke says that “they’re signals,” and these signals tell you what you need to incorporate into your life in a healthy, non-guilt-ridden way.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer

Arianna is a freelance writer and journalist, and the self-proclaimed hot and dirty martini queen. At The Everygirl, Arianna uses her authenticity and relatability to empower, inspire, and motivate women everywhere. Whether she’s writing about sex and relationships, career and finance, beauty and fashion, wellness, or home and living, Arianna’s passion shines through in all her work.

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