My Marriage Is Turning Me Into a Woman I Don’t Recognize

My husband and I dated for two years before we tied the knot. In our dating period, we didn’t see much of each other, even though we were in neighboring cities. He was in Town A and I was in Town B. We only saw each other a few times, and also because we were bent on doing things the Christian way, no temptations whatsoever. So not seeing each other was an unspoken boundary in our relationship.

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When we got married, it was glorious. We finally had the chance to do all the things we had been trying not to do. Then my husband convinced me to relocate to his city so we could live together as husband and wife. I knew I would be tired commuting every day to my workplace because it was quite a distance, but he promised he would handle the house chores. And I nodded and agreed. If he said he would, then he would.

We also agreed to join our finances, as husband and wife. So every month, on payday, the money didn’t sit comfortably in my account. I would send it to him almost immediately, like clockwork. In return, he would allocate the money for our various household expenses. He is the man. Did I have a problem with it? No. He is the head of the family, so I let him take his responsibilities.

However, my experience of being married these last couple of months has been far from pleasant.

I am constantly tired when I get home. My husband only helps me when I ask him to, but it is made clear that it is solely my responsibility. He tells me, “You’re the wife, your responsibility is to take care of me and the house. It is your duty only.”

Worst of it, he usually takes several days to send me money that I have asked for. I always disclose my expenditures, but he doesn’t always share his financial decisions. I just went from being an independent woman to someone who is begging for her own money. Money I worked for.

I feel deceived. I gave up my life, and I have made too many sacrifices. Now I don’t know whether I made a good decision moving in with my husband, or if I should have maintained our separate lives.

I have tried every means I know to talk to him. I have used the womanly prowess I know, but it’s as if he is immune to it. We always end up fighting. And when we do, he goes mute. He won’t talk to me for days. I thought it was women who used these tactics. Why are the men taking it up? I want us to address our issues, but it always ends the same.

These days, I am also vexed. Angry. Frustrated. I am angry with myself for what I am going through. Angry that I walked into this fire with my shoulders high and my eyes on the prize. And even though he has acknowledged that he has a problem with communication, it doesn’t make my life better because he is not making any effort to change or do better.

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It has even affected our bedroom life. I thought the early years of marriage were going to be about finally doing the deed so much you’d run from it. But now, if we fight in the morning, that’s it. I know and I am certain that the ‘do’ at night is off the table. I often feel starved. I didn’t get it when we were dating, and even now being married, girl is still not getting it. I have also pointed this out, and he said to me that he is not like most men and doesn’t need sex a lot.

Someone said when a man says this, he is either cheating, getting it from somewhere, or he doesn’t like you.

Perhaps I am overthinking, so I would like to hear the thoughts of married men and women from this platform.

—Beatrice

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