my friends think they’re doing me a favor by giving me business … but they’re not

A reader writes:

I ran a catering business on the side for a while, in addition to my regular job. I don’t do it much anymore, but on occasion I do still take paid jobs, usually for past clients. It’s a way to make some extra money and I enjoy the work.

Since my friends know I still do this, it’s not uncommon for them to ask me to do catering work for their own events (parties, kids’ birthdays, etc.). This would be fine except that I can tell they think they’re doing me a favor by giving me their business, and they aren’t! I have enough of the work coming in through regular channels that I’m not really looking for more work.

It’s thoughtful of them to want to pay me (at least I don’t have the problem of them expecting I’ll do it for free) but most of the time I would much rather have my weekend free than spend it making appetizers for someone else’s party.

When a regular client approaches me about a job I’d rather not do, it’s easy to just say that I’m booked for that time period. And I guess technically I could say that to a friend, too, but often these are people I’m close enough to that they know I’m not filling up my time with catering jobs that way (and I wouldn’t want to have to keep track of the lie to make sure that I don’t mention something else I did that weekend when I had said I’d be “catering”).

Also, jobs for friends are usually the ones that end up being a lot more customized so it’s more work for me, on top of the fact that I usually give them a discount because they’re friends (which is fully my choice; I know they’d pay full price if I asked for it).

How do I tell people, “I appreciate you thinking it’s a favor to throw business my way, but I’d actually rather you didn’t”?

I know one option is that I could just say I’m not catering for friends at all anymore, but I’m still up for doing it if they really actively want my food. If I’m the caterer they’d most want for this particular event, even if we didn’t know each other, great. I just want them to stop thinking they “should” give me the business because we’re friends.

Can you tell your friends that you’re actively trying to take on fewer catering jobs? That sounds like it’s the truth, and it’s information they don’t have.

You can mention that in casual conversation as you’re catching up on each other’s lives, but you can also mention it when someone approaches you about catering for them. For the latter, you could say, “I’m actually trying to take on fewer catering jobs, so unless there’s something specific I prepare that you really want, please don’t feel you need to offer me the business — I’m trying to cut back on jobs, rather than adding more.” That opens the door for them to say, “I was really hoping you’d make your famous stuffed zucchini because I love it so much” and for you then to decide if you’re up for taking the job or not (since you mentioned you might want to do it under those circumstances), while moving things out of the “favor” framing.

Or, if you’d really prefer not to do it at all, that’s okay too! You can say, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I’m cutting back on catering so I have more weekends free.”

It also might help to have other caterers you can refer them to — “I’m cutting back on how much catering I’m doing, but Caterer X and Y are really great at that kind of party if you want to try them.”

It sounds like everyone has great intentions here; you just need to give them more information so they’re not working off of the wrong set of assumptions and assuming you’d be grateful for the business.

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