my employee smells like smoke, “too nice” for a manager job, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee smells like smoke and it’s making me sick

I supervise a small research team, and one of my researchers is especially engaged and productive. They’re deeply invested in our work, and our meetings are usually energizing and full of great ideas. I really value their contribution and want to keep supporting their professional growth.

The problem is that this researcher is a heavy smoker, and the smell of smoke lingers on their clothes. I have smoke-induced asthma, and after each in-person interaction I end up coughing, wheezing, or even needing to take a sick day. Unfortunately, due to the nature of our work, their physical presence in the lab is required, so we can’t simply move everything online or work entirely remotely.

What’s the best way to address this (kindly but directly) so they understand it’s a health issue, not a personal criticism? I imagine other managers might face similar situations when a team member’s smoke exposure, perfume, or other scent sensitivity becomes a medical concern. What solutions are available that I’m not thinking of? How can I frame this conversation in a way that protects my health and maintains a positive and supportive working relationship?

I’d open the conversation this way: “I have smoke-induced asthma and I’ve been finding I’m reacting to the smell of smoke on your clothes. Can we brainstorm some solutions that could work for us both?”

Since you have to share physical space, one solution would be for him to keep smoke-free clothes at work and change into them when he gets there (and also to keep something like a smoking jacket to put on if he goes outside to smoke during the workday — and to store that jacket in an area that you aren’t in). That’s a pretty significant inconvenience, but it’s less of one than you not being able to breathe.

You could also check in with your HR team before you have this conversation to see if they want to be involved, but if he’s a reasonable person and you generally have a good relationship (and you approach it without judgment, just “this is happening, what would work for us both”), ideally you’d be able to brainstorm solutions together.

Related:
I share an office with a smoker, and the smell is making me sick

2. Interviewing when I might seem “too nice” for a manager job

I’m applying for an internal promotion to a manager role on my existing team where I am currently an individual contributor. I have been with this organization for almost seven years and have built a solid reputation for being friendly, helpful, and easy to work with. My boss has been promoted and the open role is her former job. She has been mentoring me to step into this position for a few years and I feel ready for the challenge, but she did note that I will have to be tougher as a manager and that I can’t be “too nice,” which may be a perception of me.

I know that becoming a manager will entail praise, accountability, and hard conversations and I’m ready for all of it. I think clarity is kindness and don’t like to let issues fester and often provide feedback and suggestions to management. I also haven’t had the need to provide hard feedback to my colleagues because that doesn’t make sense in our current peer relationship — it’s not my job (yet!) I imagine the perception of being “too nice” might come up in my interview. What is the best way to show that leading with kindness doesn’t mean being a doormat? Do you have tips for framing this “weakness” into a strength?

Ideally you’d reference that feedback in the interview and speak to it head-on. For example (stealing some of your excellent wording): “Jane has mentioned that I have a reputation as being ’nice’ and wondered how that would square with the harder conversations I’d need to have in this role, so I’d like to speak to that head-on. I think clarity is kindness and I don’t believe in letting issues fester; I am comfortable talking about problems forthrightly and without sugarcoating, and I believe doing that is a non-negotiable for a manager. It’s important to me to treat everyone with respect and dignity, but I strongly believe part of doing that is being willing to have hard conversations, and I’m very comfortable doing that.” If you can provide some concrete examples of when you’ve done that, all the better. (That said, check with Jane first to make sure it’s okay to reference what she said; it should be if you explain it’s so you can speak to that concern.)

Related:
am I too nice to be a good manager?

3. What’s a good way to get out of making an email introduction?

Recently, a client asked me for an email introduction to another client and I agreed, but later I somewhat regretted agreeing. I had forgotten about the wise advice to practice double opt-in for introductions, and the client who wanted the introduction isn’t very cognizant of email etiquette, so I worried that I’d be introducing an annoyance into the second client’s inbox.

I went ahead and made the email introduction and all seems to be fine (so far), but it made me curious about what I could have said to refuse the first client’s request for an introduction. “I don’t normally do email introductions” might work, but it isn’t true. Other ideas?

“Absolutely, let me email her and see if I can connect you.”

Or, if you’ve already agreed, email the intro requester and say, “Just wanted to let you know that I emailed Jane about possibly connecting you, and I’ll update you when I hear back.” (Then if Jane says no, you can tell the person something like, “It turned out not to be a great time for her, but I’ll let you know if I think of anyone else it might be helpful to connect with.”)

4. My reference got fired

I used my best friend as a professional reference on job applications, because she’s excellent at her job and I’ve learned some valuable skills from her. We live in different states and work in different fields. (She works in data analytics and I work in accounting.)

Yesterday, my friend was terminated from her position after almost 10 years, and she believes it was wrongful termination and is seeking legal counsel.

Obviously, I can’t continue to use her as a reference as things are now, but what should I do for applications already submitted and under review? Should I wait for HR to bring it up, or should I provide another reference?

You can use references who have been fired from their jobs — generally not if you’re applying at the job that fired them, or if they were fired in some kind of notorious scandal in your industry, but otherwise yes.

But it doesn’t make sense to use this reference because it sounds like you’ve never worked together. Good references are people who can speak to your work firsthand because they’ve been colleagues. Someone you only know through friendship isn’t a reference most hiring managers will put any stock in (and some will think it reflects poorly on your judgment that you offered her rather than someone who’s worked with you).

As for your last question — offer another reference now, someone you’ve worked with. You can frame it as, “I wanted to provide someone who’s worked more closely with me.”

5. Is it OK for our boss to participate in our office gift exchange?

I’m working for a small company with fewer than 20 employees, including the owner. Every year for Christmas, the owner hosts a party and part of it is a white elephant gift exchange. Everyone brings a present worth $10-15, they are placed on a table, and people pick a wrapped present or take one someone has already opened.

I was reading an older post of yours and saw how strongly you feel about that management should not gifts from subordinates. The company owner participates in these gift exchanges, and I was wondering if that was wrong. Obviously the blind nature of the exchange means that people won’t feel pressure to give to her particularly, nor feel on the spot for not buying something nice, and she is giving as much as she is receiving in terms of monetary gift worth. On the other hand, with the owner at the table, would people feel comfortable refusing to participate? In past years some people have felt comfortable “stealing” from her, but is it possible some people won’t feel comfortable doing so even though it is a part of the game? Though on the other other hand (original hand?), with a company this small, you would noticed if Steve or Peggy chose to sit out, so people might feel they need to bring a gift even if the owner chose to sit out from now on.

Nah, this is fine. This is a group gift exchange, where specific gifts aren’t being tailored to specific people; your boss is just participating in a group holiday game and not receiving special benefit from being the boss.

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