my boss is upset that I quit without more notice because I’m vital to the business

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I just left my job. I had worked at the same small company for six years. Over the years, I have seen admin staff leave with little notice and staff who gave notice but did not actually work through it. My boss, Amanda, told me that she actually did not want them to work those two weeks, so she gave them the option to leave immediately. I was not there for those conversations, so I only had her word. I also know from past interactions that she is not someone who is open to criticism.

When I left, I was the only employee. I did my job (which is a client-facing job and if something is missed, it can open the business up to liability) plus a large share of the administrative work. Amanda worked partial days while I worked extra hours to get everything done. I was vital to the company running smoothly.

Amanda had asked me multiple times if I planned on staying with the company. I always said yes, because I felt like I could not leave without damaging the business and that she would not be receptive if I told her I didn’t plan to stay.

But one day, I had a terrible day at work and all of the frustrations of the job just boiled over. I felt unsupported, used, and frankly like I was drowning in mismanagement. After a tearful phone call about how stressed I was, my fiance suggested that I look for jobs in his area, about two hours away. We had talked about it before, but now I was ready to leave. It was not a full-time search but I was keeping an eye open. I applied for two jobs. Within a week of submitting my second application, I was interviewed and hired. I told them that I would need a delayed start date so that the transition would be smooth. They agreed.

Amanda did not take the news well. When I gave her my resignation, I told her I could stay at least three to four weeks for a smooth transition. She said okay and walked away. A few minutes later, she told me to be done at the end of the week. I again offered to stay longer, but she said she “would figure it out.” The next day we had the conversation again. I even suggested she look at the calendar before she made a decision because some big events were upcoming. I thought she just needed some time to process the resignation. But she said the same thing, so I called my new employer and set my start date for two weeks later so that I would not be without a pay check for a month.

The next day, Amanda called me in tears and asked me to come in to help out on days when she would be busy. I told I could not do that. I explained that I had offered to stay four weeks and she declined, so I was starting at the new job sooner and would not be available. I told her I would leave her detailed notes and be available for questions. She cried and told me that I was screwing her over by not telling her that I had been looking for a new job. I told her I was not trying to upset her and that I offered to stay on longer for that reason, and every version of “its not you, it’s me” I could think of.

I know that I was a vital employee. I thought I was doing the right thing while still protecting myself. But now I’m not sure. Was I in the wrong? Should I have told her that my plans changed and I had put in applications somewhere else? Could I have handled this better?

No.

You never, ever need to warn your boss that you are job-searching.

Okay, maybe in some very outlier edge cases, like your boss is about to invest significant time and money in training you to take over while she’ll be on leave to donate an organ, has asked you to level with her if you’re not the right person for it, and has done the work to create an environment where you know you could safely say you were considering leaving. Or your boss is about to spend significant capital getting you something you want and, again, has done the work to create an environment where you know you could safely say you were considering leaving.

But usually, you don’t warn your boss you’re job-searching. You don’t warn them because if you do, you risk being pushed out earlier than you want to leave, or sidelined from projects you want to work on, or because you might change your mind and don’t want to permanently be seen as having one foot out the door. You also don’t warn them because it’s simply not the professional convention to expect that you would. Reasonable managers understand the power dynamics involved in the relationship and know they’re not entitled to a heads-up, even if it would make their lives easier to get one. Reasonable managers also know that anyone could be job-searching at any time — or could be crushed by a boulder when they leave their house tomorrow, or have a too-good-to-pass-up offer fall in their lap unexpectedly, or win Powerball, or all sorts of other things — and so they plan for contingencies. A business that relies on everyone staying forever unless they give a ton of notice is a business that’s precarious and poorly run.

And all of that goes double for Amanda for two reasons: One, you’ve seen people leaving without working their whole notice periods and in some of those cases she told you she was part of that decision, so you had good reason to fear being pushed out earlier than you wanted to go. Two, you were the lone employee and playing a vital role, which made it all the more important that she have contingencies in place. If she didn’t, that’s on her, not you.

Not only did you not screw over Amanda, but you actually went above and beyond when you resigned. You offered more than two weeks notice to try to help her, and you were generous enough to extend that offer again after she had already rejected it once.

Amanda wants to be petulant in the moment (“No, leave this week, I don’t need you”) and then be able to retract that once reality sets in. But that’s not how business works. You are a person with your own interests and your own commitments that you can’t walk back just because she’s done sulking now.

You tried to tell her “It’s not you, it’s me.” But it’s her. It’s definitely, definitely her.

You did nothing wrong.