MARRIAGE HAPPENS TO PEOPLE IN LOVE BUT MINE IS A TRAP FASHIONED AGAINST ME

We were high school sweethearts. While in school, she offered me her virginity as proof of her love but I turned it down. I told her, “I love you so much that I am willing to wait until I marry you. It’s a promise. I will marry you someday.”

At that age, we were sure the future belonged to us. We made plans as though we had the gift of foresight. We were so naïve and ignorant of the course life had prepared for us but we hoped that everything will turn for our good someday.

I was ahead of her so I completed school before her. Upon completion, I went back home. I tried my best to keep in touch with her but at some point, we lost contact. I went about my life for five years feeling her loss and wishing I could run into her someday. As fate would have it, one day I was walking in town when I saw her walking with her friend. The sight of her made my heart beat out of rhythm. My feelings for her stirred up as if they never left.

We talked briefly and exchanged contacts. When we spoke on phone, she told me she was about to complete Nursing Training School. Due to financial constraints on my part, I couldn’t go to the university right after school. I was in my first year at the university when I found her. When we got back together again she told me, “We don’t have to wait until marriage before we have sex. I’ve already had it with someone else so there’s no point in waiting.”

I was disappointed but I didn’t let it get to me. All that mattered to me was that we were back together after so many years. I did my best to support her in school. I was also a student but I made sure she never lacked the things she asked from me.

One day she came to my place and we spent the night together. When she was about to leave she said, “I have completed school and I’m working now. The next important thing on my list is marriage. I am not getting any younger. You are now in your second year at the university. When will you finish school, get a job, save money, and marry me?”

Her question hit me hard. I knew where the question was coming from and I knew the reason why she asked. I asked her, “What is going on?” She answered, “I am sorry this is happening but it’s best I tell you now. I met someone else. He proposed marriage and I said yes. We are getting ready to marry.” She thought I was going to be angry but I wasn’t. I said, “I am not mad at you. If it’s marriage you’re talking about here then go. Go and marry your man.”

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My heart was tearing up on the inside but I held myself together and tried to move on.

About a month or so later she called me. Immediately I answered she said, “Don’t let anyone take you away from me ooo.” I was confused. I told her I was in class so we would talk to her later. After class, I didn’t call her. I felt she was toying with me and I didn’t want to entertain her. Later in the evening, she called. She said she was serious about her earlier statement. I asked her about the man she left me for and she answered, “Forget about him. What matters is I’m available and I want us to come back together.” I was still in love with her so I took her back.

Not long afterward, I caught her cheating on me so I broke up with her. Her mother called to apologize on her behalf and I forgave her and took her back again. The more time I spent with her the more I realized that I’d allowed myself to be blinded by love. After the cheating incident, I had an awakening. The love I had for her left my system. I saw clearly that she was not the same girl I loved while in high school. I started looking for ways to end the relationship.

Just when I was preparing to call it quits her mother called me; “My daughter is pregnant. What are you going to do about it?” The news felt like ice on my skin. I told her I would call her back and hang up. I called my girlfriend right after that and asked her, “Why am I hearing it first from your mother and not you? Isn’t this something you should tell me yourself?” She said she didn’t know she was pregnant and that her mother must have seen the signs and picked it up from there.

Later in the day, I spoke to her mother. I accepted responsibility for the pregnancy. This woman said, “That is not enough. I am a highly respected member of my church so my daughter cannot have a baby out of wedlock. You have to marry her before the baby comes.” “I am in school. I don’t have money to get married,” I told her. She told me her daughter was working so she would support me to get married to her. I accepted the offer even though my heart was not in it.

My mother-in-law coached me to lie to her husband that I was working and I did. When I told my family what was going on they stood against the marriage. I should have ridden on that ticket to get myself out of the situation, but I persuaded them to support me. They are my family so eventually they swallowed their displeasure and stood by me.

We got married when I was in my third year at the university. It was a secret wedding. I didn’t tell my friends, classmates, and church members.

We are currently married with a beautiful baby boy. I just completed my national service and I am working as a security person while I wait for a better opportunity.

I don’t have any say in whatever goes on in my marriage. My wife decides when we should have shuperu and when I should sleep hungry. It’s been four months since our last one. I have resorted to ‘handling my own business single-handedly’. She refuses to do my laundry or do the dishes when I eat. When I complain she tells me she is not my slave. She works in another region now and I have been talking to her to seek a transfer to where I live but she says no. Everything that happens in our marriage she tells her mother.

Last month I asked her to visit me and she refused to come so I decided to withhold her monthly allowance. She went to tell her mother and the woman called to insult me. I am in a place where I cannot involve my family in our problems. They warned me and I didn’t listen so I am suffering alone.

There is this girl from my past who has resurfaced. I have been trying to keep her at arm’s length but she keeps getting closer to me. She represents everything I am missing in my marriage; happiness, peace, and love. I know I don’t deserve her so I’m trying to keep things casual between us. I feel so miserable. It looks like I’ve ruined my life with a bad marriage.

–John