I’ve been covering my coworker’s work for months because he’s going through a divorce

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I am looking for some advice when it comes to a teammate at work, Paul, who is currently going through a divorce. We have been working together for the last two years.

Earlier this year, Paul called me to say that his wife had asked for a divorce out of nowhere. I was sympathetic and let him know to take any time that he needed and then I would be here and would be able to manage the work for the two of us.

Fast forward to four to five months later, and it seems I am still the only one managing the team’s work. Paul has thanked me numerous times and seems to be very appreciative, and has let me know he has made our manager aware of how helpful I have been, but I am getting frustrated.

I know that he has let some of our executive team know about his divorce, but not everyone we work with knows, which also makes things awkward when people ask where he is or if he is off.

Our work is not incredibly demanding, but it does vary by day and sometimes I do get bogged down. For example, we are in travel roles and I will be traveling every week of August because he will be dealing with lawyers and their children.

How do I go tell my manager that I am burnt out, or even bring this up to Paul? I am trying to be as understanding as possible, but it seems he may be taking advantage of my helping. I have not personally dealt with divorce, so I am trying to be as kind and flexible as possible, but this has been weighing on me for far too long now.

It’s time to tell Paul that you’re overwhelmed and can’t cover his work the way you’ve been doing. Start there.

The thing is, when Paul first told you about the divorce, you told him to take whatever time he needed and you’d cover. He’s probably still operating on that assumption.

That doesn’t mean that he should be. Most people would hear that offer and know that it meant “for a few weeks or so while you’re adjusting,” not “until the end of time.” And not “even months from now, I will happily travel every week for a month so you don’t have to” — and definitely not without explicitly checking in with you and asking.

But regardless of what he should have understood about your offer, it seems clear that he’s treating it as still fully in effect. And he might be thinking you’re just fine with that since you haven’t told him otherwise.

So it’s time to talk to him and say something like, “I was able to help out in a pinch when you asked earlier this year, but it’s not sustainable for me to take on so much anymore, and I need to go back the way we were dividing work up before that. Can you take back over XYZ? I also can’t keep picking up all the travel.”

For all we know, Paul might be waiting for you to tell him when you hit that point, and is happily surprised that you haven’t yet — but will change what he’s doing once you do. Or maybe he hasn’t thought about it at all because he’s been absorbed in personal life stuff, but once you speak up, he’ll realize he’s at the limit of what he can ask of you.

But if having a clear conversation with him doesn’t solve it, then at that point you need to involve your manager. Explain that you told Paul earlier this year that you could help out temporarily but it isn’t sustainable for you to continue and you need to return to your regular workload.

It sounds like you’ve hesitated to do any of that because you’ve wanted to be helpful and accommodating, and you’re sympathetic to what Paul is going through. But this should be a “help out in a short-term pinch” kind of situation or a “be understanding when he needs a day off here and there” situation — not “take over another person’s workload for months.” You’ve been more than understanding, and now it’s okay to set limits.