is there a way to tell a coworker, “stop being sexist”?

A reader writes:

I’m a trainer in a field that requires significant technical and soft skills (think someone in medicine needing both expertise and a good bedside manner). I do both group trainings and 1-1 coaching and support, particularly with newer staff. I’ve been working in this area since I graduated from college, so I’m relatively young for having around 15 years of experience. I’m also good at my job, which is why I was promoted to my current role.

I recently inherited a new coachee from a coworker who is on leave. Algernon is quite new to our profession, about 10 years older than me, and male.

You can probably see where this is going.

He ignores feedback from women while taking it from men, and is condescending and dismissive to women. There’s a lot more going on than just that, but I could help him with his job performance issues if he’d just listen to me (or any of our other experts who happen to be women!).

As just one example, a female coworker told him multiple times, in writing and in person, not to get involved in a specific project that she’s running. Not only has he kept working on it, but he recently sent out an email complaining about not getting more help with it. So there’s a lot more going on than just sexism, but that’s the part I’m finding hardest to address.

The good news is that Algernon’s contract was always temporary and will not be renewed, so the problem will solve itself more quickly than a PIP would. I’m working on not getting too invested in the coaching next steps he ignores, the shared frustration from all of my female coworkers, or the fact that he apparently is capable of implementing feedback provided it comes from his male coworkers and not from me. At this point, most of my work with him is about compliance, not any real hope that I can help him become significantly better at his job.

Which leaves me wondering: in this case it probably isn’t worth it, but how would you give someone the feedback “stop being sexist?” I’ve given meta-feedback on his lack of follow-through but I haven’t said anything about the gendered dynamics, and I can’t imagine where I’d even begin. Can you ever do that? What would it sound like? I have plenty of daydreams of what I could say to him, I practice them regularly in the shower, but honestly I have very little idea of whether or not it could ever be effective to address an issue like this in the workplace.

P. S.: I am aware that a huge part of coaching is showing up with curiosity, growth mindset, and an open mind. I know those traits are not particularly evident in this letter. I am trying, very hard, but wow is it difficult some days.

I’d argue the most important person to share that feedback with is his boss. That’s info she should have.

But with Algernon himself, you can name the gendered dynamics you see!

It doesn’t mean he’ll believe you or care or take it seriously in any way, but you can name it. (In fact, if you want to bring a growth mindset to this, it makes sense to believe that he at least has the potential to benefit from hearing it … although some skepticism is understandable.)

I’d say it this way: “I have noticed that you give real consideration to feedback when it comes from Bob, Henry, or other male colleagues, but there is a pattern where you appear to disregard feedback from women. I can give you examples if you’d like, but I don’t think it will be fruitful to debate them; what I’m interested in is bringing the pattern itself to your attention so that you can give it some thought.”

You could also say: “Whether or not you think that’s true, you are creating that perception, and in a work context that perception can be very harmful, so it’s something you should give real thought to.”

The idea isn’t to get into a big back and forth with him about it. You are flagging the pattern, or the appearance of a pattern, for him so that he can reflect on it on his own.

I’d also encourage you and your female colleagues to be very assertive about calling it when he’s condescending or dismissive. This can be hard to do in the moment; often people are so caught off-guard by this kind of thing — and don’t trust their immediate, off-the-cuff response to be sufficiently professional — that by the time they think of how they want to respond, the moment has passed. So since you know it’s likely coming at some point with him, it can help to prepare how you want to respond ahead of time.

Those responses will obviously depend on the specifics of what he says but here are some columns that offer specific language for specific types of condescension and dismissiveness, which might spark some ideas:

how can I get my employee to stop condescending to me?

my condescending coworker tries to take over my work and is a disruptive know-it-all

my older male colleague gives me condescending, unsolicited advice

my patronizing coworker interrupts meetings to explain basic things to me

I work with a mansplainer

new coworker is a rude know-it-all

my junior employee won’t stop sharing his “expertise”

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