I manage a married couple, employee refuses to wear our uniform, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I manage a married couple, and it’s causing problems

I manage a married couple. I hired one of them first, and a few years later the spouse finished a degree that gave them the right expertise to also join my team. They don’t supervise each other or make any promotion or budget decisions about each other.

At first things were good, but I’ve been noticing small things that are now bigger things in their communication patterns that need to be addressed. They are becoming really insular, not asking anyone for help except the other one, and not communicating issues or concerns outside the two of them, and recently they shared at a staff meeting that they have a lot of resentment about not getting the support they want (but have not asked for).

I know I need to talk to them individually and I should describe some specifics of what I am seeing and then describe what I need to see from each of them moving forward. Right now my list includes telling them that they can’t fight each other’s battles at work or speak for each other, and they need to be mindful about communicating like coworkers, not spouses, at work. And that if they don’t ask for help no one knows they need help. That last one is maybe more of a second issue, rather than specific to them being spouses.

Any advice or suggestions on how best to do this? Am I overlooking anything?

Your instincts are right. Name what you’re seeing (not talking to anyone but each other, not communicating about issues or asking for help, speaking for the other, fighting the other’s battles, and needing to operate like coworkers, not spouses, when they’re at work) and describe what you need them to do differently. Give some concrete recent examples, and describe what you would have liked them to have done differently, so that it’s not just theoretical.

I would also think about what you can do differently on your end to help break the patterns you’ve seen. Can you assign them to work more closely with other people or otherwise disrupt the rhythms they’re in? Can you check in with them more regularly to ask about problems and any support they might need? Meet with them each more regularly for a while so you’re able to spot issues faster and reinforce to them that this is something you’re taking seriously (both their concerns and your own)?

It’s also a good idea to check in with others on your team about how things are going, because it’s possible the married couple’s dynamics are affecting people in additional ways you aren’t seeing firsthand.

Related:
why would an employer ban couples from working in the same department?

2. Employee refuses to wear our uniform

I work on-site with about 350 employees, most of whom are hourly and in uniforms. Normally, we just have the occasional “hey, please zip your jacket” type of chat, but one employee has decided uniforms are their personal hill to die on.

This person either refuses to wear the uniform at all (showing up in their own clothes) or wears it in a way that’s not appropriate for work (think fully unzipped, undergarments visible). We’ve had multiple documented conversations, but nothing changes. We finally issued written discipline, which they refused to sign while announcing they’ll “never wear the uniform, no matter what we do,” because it’s “too hot.” They’re the only one with this complaint, but they’re doubling down.

Complicating matters: this person is not only a poor performer, but also the longest-standing union steward in our entire company. They grieve every single conversation or document, and it turns into endless back-and-forth meetings. We’re not trying to fire them, we don’t even want to be writing them up. We just need them to wear the uniform like literally everyone else. But it’s become less about uniforms and more about their crusade to “win” against management.

If we keep documenting, it’ll be grieved as “petty,” and meanwhile they still show up out of uniform day after day. It also makes it nearly impossible to hold anyone else accountable when they can clearly see this person ignoring the rules with zero consequence. Per our CBA, we can’t skip straight to a final warning/termination because it’s not egregious enough on its own. This person was already terminated once before for a similar “hill to die on” type issue, but was reinstated following arbitration based on how silly the issue was to have had to fire someone over it!

For context: we’ve checked if the uniform doesn’t fit, offered different sizes, more pieces, even said they could bring in medical paperwork if it’s truly a heat-related issue. Nothing works. Ordering a whole new style of uniform for hundreds of people is not financially (or logically) an option. And because this person works overnight, directly with customers in sensitive situations, the uniform isn’t just a “look” — it’s a safety requirement so customers know they’re dealing with an official employee, not some random person wandering in.

So … what do we do here? We’ve tried being reasonable, but this employee is flat-out refusing. At this point, it feels like we’re stuck between playing endless grievance ping-pong or letting them win by showing up in street clothes.

You deal with the grievances. You discipline them every time, pointing to what sounds like a clear policy violation. Otherwise, you don’t really have a uniform policy; you have a uniform “suggestion,” and other employees will notice.

Also, you tackle the performance issues aggressively and head-on. Follow the requirements of your CBA, obviously, but you should tackle the performance issues to the full extent of the options available to you, even if that involves a ton of paperwork and aggravation. Otherwise it’ll be a year from now and you’ll be no better off than you are now. So play the grievance ping-pong and stand firm.

All that said, if they’re genuinely too hot, are there things you can do about that? Is there a version of the uniform that won’t be as hot (or could there be)? Can you add additional cooling in their area? Etc. If they’re complaining in good faith, you should respond in good faith as well (although given the history, they may not be).

Related:
you can’t be held hostage to a bad employee

3. When leadership is absent, what should be communicated?

I have a question about a situation from a few years ago. I work in a central office of a K-12 public school district in the U.S., where we’re constantly understaffed and under-resourced. Things move fast, and there’s not room for backup when key roles aren’t filled.

A new director was hired to oversee student services — responsible for about 100 staff and 2,000 students. From the start, he was frequently absent and unresponsive: taking regular three-day weekends and long gaps of several days to a week, even during critical times in the school year. His absences led to unresolved student issues, unsupported staff, and avoidable problems we’re still dealing with. Staff were frustrated, morale suffered, and his reputation quickly deteriorated. After a year, he left for another district.

Later, a colleague confided in me that the director had been undergoing cancer treatment during that time. While I fully support an individual’s right to privacy, I’ve been wrestling with this question: In cases where prolonged absence causes major operational impact, is it appropriate for leadership to offer no explanation at all? What’s the right balance between respecting privacy and maintaining transparency — especially in environments like ours, where there’s no capacity or budget to cover frequent or long-term absences? What would you advise for handling communication in a situation like this, both for the individual and for higher leadership?

Yeah, part of leadership is communication and judging how much communication — and transparency — is necessary for any given situation. Part of leadership is also realizing when not communicating about something sufficiently is likely to have a significant effect on morale, and making decisions accordingly.

I’d never want to say someone is obligated to disclose personal health information, but there’s a certain level of job that’s high enough — and where your actions and absences impact people in such significant ways — that part of good leadership is figuring out how to talk about what’s going on. That doesn’t mean you need to disclose everything, but you need to share something (for example, maybe just that it’s a health issue without getting into specifics).

If your director had explained what was causing his absences and unresponsiveness, you still would have had a lot of the same logistical issues, but I bet you would have had far fewer of the morale issues that stemmed from people thinking he wasn’t around because he didn’t care, was slacking or checked out, etc.

4. When should I tell my manager that I’m leaving the country?

My spouse has received an offer to transfer within their current company, for a higher level position located in an office halfway around the world from where we currently live. This is a longtime dream for my spouse and me, so they accepted the role and we’ll be moving in a little less than six months.

I am 95% sure that this move will mean leaving my current job (mainly, I can’t imagine a way to continue in my current role with a 15+ hour time difference). My company also has an office in the new city we’d move to, but I’ve never seen a role appear that is open to internal candidates. The only way I could see staying at the company is if my manager or another senior level employee in that office could create a new position for me (I’ve seen this happen a small number of times, but it’s certainly not a common occurrence). I want to know if that could be possible, and I want to help facilitate a smooth transition in the event I quit wholesale. But, I also don’t want to spill the beans about my move too early and end up without a job earlier than expected!

In any other circumstance, I’d give a few weeks notice and leave it at that. But it’s the small chance that there could be another job made for me that makes me want to bring it up earlier. If it’s not obvious, I don’t want to leave my job! I’m willing to leave to facilitate this great opportunity for my spouse, but I want to explore whatever options exist to maybe, somehow, stay working at my company.

There are two ways to do this. One is to bring it up a few months before your move as something closer to a hypothetical — “There’s a chance that Jane may be offered a transfer to Sicily. If that happened, would there be any way for me to stay on with the company? I love working here and I know we have an office there.” Be more cautious about doing this if your company is struggling financially and you suspect they may be considering layoffs; you don’t want to do anything that makes it easier for them to decide you’d be an easy cut since you’re likely to leave anyway.

The other way to do it is to give slightly more notice than you would otherwise — maybe three to four weeks rather than two — and as part of that conversation say that you’d love to stay on if working from the other office or remotely is a possibility.

5. Does my boss need to know I’m battling with our health insurance?

Should I give my boss a heads-up that I’m pulling out all the stops on my health insurance company?

Aetna denied my prosthesis, so I decided to ask our benefits people to connect me to central state contacts and potentially legal counsel for my second-level claim review board meeting. I was friendly and approachable to the benefits people (I appreciate their support, regardless of what they can provide!), but I wouldn’t be surprised if they escalate my request given the gravity of the situation.

Should I cue my boss in to the situation discreetly? It isn’t inherently obvious that I have a prosthesis, and I don’t volunteer medical information at work, otherwise.

You don’t need to loop in your boss. This is between you and your insurance.

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