I don’t drink, and I accidentally consumed alcohol at a work event — how should my boss have handled it?

A reader writes:

This is a bizarre situation that happened years ago and I always wonder how I and my boss should have handled it.

I don’t drink alcohol for personal reasons. My boss, Walter, was aware of this — in my field, happy hours with clients and coworkers are common, and I’d usually attend and have a soda but made clear to Walter early on that I don’t drink. Relevant information: I have some moral qualms with it personally — not judging what anyone else partakes in, but it’s not something I have an interest in consuming myself. I have known a lot of alcoholics, and while my own abstinence from alcohol isn’t religious, I do think there are some similarities to those who abstain for religious reasons.

One day, after years of working together, Walter, a few other coworkers, and I went out to a happy hour for drinks and appetizers. I ordered a water and everyone else ordered drinks. I think Walter ordered champagne, or maybe white wine, or some kind of light colored drink.

We were sitting at a table and the restaurant was pretty dark, and it was hard to see. Often at bars when you order a water or a soda, they put it in a fancy cup so that your drink doesn’t stand out. Drinks arrived, including what I thought was my water. But apparently it wasn’t my water. Walter, seated next to me, didn’t say anything, and at first I didn’t notice. Whatever it was, it must have been a pretty mild drink, though I initially had only had a small sip or two. And because it was sitting in front of me and he didn’t say anything, I thought, surely this is my drink. After a little while, I realized Walter didn’t have a drink. Something clicked and I thought wait, is that not my water? Did they forget my water (a common occurrence)? Is that Walter’s drink? Thinking it’d be silly to ask, because surely Walter would have said something if I’d taken his drink, I proceeded to have several larger sips throughout the night, trying to figure out what it was. I don’t remember a strong taste, but I remember trying to determine if it was juice or seltzer or some incorrect order but not necessarily alcoholic. I do remember Walter kind of looking at me strangely as I took a sip of the drink at one point, but he didn’t say anything.

Some time passes, we’re all making conversation, and I realize I’m feeling really dizzy. I have literally never had alcohol in my life, so a slight buzz from a small amount of alcohol is probably realistic. I started thinking, this must be something alcoholic, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I felt very uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do.

At some point, I made an excuse to leave. I felt uncomfortably dizzy walking to the train station, couldn’t quite think clearly, and was uncomfortable with the thought of consuming alcohol in general. I made it home fine but was confused and upset.

The next work day, Walter was traveling on business and out of town, but I sent him an email pertaining to a work project. At the end of the email, as an aside, I mentioned the incident — something along the lines of, “By the way, sorry about taking your drink the other night — I’d accidentally thought it was my water!” Because I felt like I should acknowledge it.

Walter took a long time to respond, and when he did, he started a whole new email chain instead of replying to the Outlook thread like you normally would. In the new email, he responded to my comments and questions about the project, and he didn’t acknowledge anything about the drink.

Then we never spoke of this incident.

How should we both have handled this?

In retrospect, I think I should have said something as soon as I realized even the possibility of “this isn’t my water.” But also, it bothers me that he didn’t say anything, and it further bothers me that he seems to have intentionally avoided acknowledging what happened when I brought it up in that email.

I recognize that this probably sounds like a small silly thing, but it was a big deal to me at the time.

It doesn’t sound like Walter really did anything wrong.

When you started drinking his drink, he was just as likely as you were to assume it was your drink and they’d forgotten his. If you, the person actually tasting it, thought it was yours, we can’t blame Walter for assuming that too.

I’m also not sure we can read anything into the way he replied to your email. It’s a little odd that he started a whole new email to respond, but it’s not odd that he didn’t address what you said about the drink; it’s not necessarily something he would assume required a reply. Yes, it would have be normal for him to respond, “Oh, no worries” or “I figured since you were drinking it, it was yours and they forgot mine” or similar … but I think the subtext here is that you feel he should have apologized or checked that you were okay or otherwise treated this with the same import it held for you. I don’t think that’s the case though. What you wrote to him was very matter-of-fact (“sorry for taking your drink”) so it makes sense that he didn’t respond as if it were a big deal. If you’d instead said something like, “I realized after the fact I’d been drinking your drink and I felt really dizzy and couldn’t think clearly while getting home,” he likely would have had a different reply (at least I hope he would!). But the way you addressed it was very breezy, so it makes sense that he left it there.

And sure, maybe he started a whole new email chain because he’s trying to eliminate evidence of him being a bystander to you drinking … but there would be no reason for him to do that. I don’t think you can read anything into it.

So to your question of how you both should have handled it: if Walter noticed you drinking his drink and didn’t just assume it was yours, ideally he would have said, “I think that’s mine — I can order a new one, but I want to make sure you know there’s alcohol in that.” But again, he didn’t necessarily know or think about it (and it wouldn’t be weird if each team member’s drinking/non-drinking status wasn’t top of mind for him). On your end, once you realized you weren’t drinking water and were actively trying to figure out what it was, ideally — as someone who doesn’t want to drink alcohol — you would have stopped drinking it so you could find out for sure (by asking the waiter or so forth). You also could have asked a colleague for some help getting home if you wanted that (although by definition you weren’t thinking clearly, so it’s understandable that you didn’t).

To me it sounds like just an unfortunate accident, and not something that needs to be treated with any more weight than that.

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