How to Be Dominant in a Relationship (And in Bed)

Romance is all about give and take, reciprocity, and making sure both people feel equally valued and validated in the relationship. Sex, on the other hand, is about power and control. Who’s on top? Who’s leading the action? Whose desires are being explored and satisfied? Some couples have a relatively equal relationship in that regard, exploring a give-and-take dynamic, while others focus on a clear distinction between leader and follower. In sex terms, that’s known as a Dominant/submissive relationship — so capitalized to reinforce the notion of the Dominant’s position of power over the submissive. RELATED: Top 10 Fetishes, Revealed Even if you don’t know much about D/s relationships, you might be familiar in the context of BDSM: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. To some degree, that explains the notion that domination and submission are primarily kinky concerns, but the truth is that at least some amount of a Dominant/submissive dynamic exists in most relationships, sexual or otherwise.  Understanding how that works (and how you can use it in a healthy and consensual way) can bring both people in a relationship a lot of pleasure. You don't have to commit to the BDSM lifestyle to experiment with some light domination; simply speaking more assertively, boldly declaring your wants or intentions, is a great place to start for many guys. But if you're curious about how to take things a little bit further, read on. 1. Understanding Domination and Submission in the Bedroom “Domination and submission (D/s) is a power exchange,” says Kayla Lords, a sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com and the founder of LovingBDSM.net. “The Dominant has power and control and the submissive gives up power and control. The degree in which this happens is up to the two people involved.” “In sex,” she continues, “this happens in a variety of ways. Example: The dominant partner takes control of all sexual activity, deciding what kind of sex (position, activity, etc) you’re going to have [or] controlling a partner’s orgasms — deciding when they’ll orgasm, if they’ll orgasm, and how” — whether via a sex toy, oral sex, or manual stimulation. That being said, just because you’re in control doesn’t mean you have free rein to try anything and everything. What you’re doing “should always be something the submissive partner enjoys or has said at some point they want to experience,” says Lords. “The important thing to know about this is that nothing should happen without clear and informed consent.” That means you’re not doing rough or painful things to your partner so much as you’re doing them for your partner. “It’s one thing to experiment with a little rough sex or use words to take control of a sexual moment (which is a good way to explore desires),” she explains. “But once a dominant partner decides to make sexual decisions for a submissive partner, you’ve got to stop and talk about it. An easy way to do this in the heat of the moment is to say, ‘Do you like this?’ Or ‘Do you want me to keep going?’” Why exactly would someone want to be dominated, you ask? If you don’t want to experience that desire, it might be confusing to imagine someone else enjoying being told what to do and/or controlled. But being a sub can be very freeing, says sex educator Kenneth Play. “The beauty of D/s dynamics is that you can make the world much simpler by having clear roles of engagement, where everyone knows their place, and sets [the] intention to enjoy the space their creating together — similar to how those who love playing video games because the rules and goals are straightforward,” he says. Getting into all that might seem daunting or confusing, but according to Jess O’Reilly, host of the "@SexWithDrJess" podcast, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced at least some version of a D/s dynamic before. “Being dominant in the bedroom is something you have probably already tried without even realizing it,” she says. “If you have ever initiated sex, taken the lead in bed or made gentle (or not-so-gentle) demands of your partner, you are already an experienced Dominant. But are you ready to take it to the next level and really take control?” She also makes a point to reinforce the idea that “dominance is not always about whips, chains and leather outfits,” adding that “it is about power and control underscored by informed consent and respect. To be a good Dominant, you have to genuinely relish in the power and allow yourself to tap into the eroticism of sexual confidence. You also have to learn to seduce, not force your lover into submission.” As well, Play notes a few variations in how it works. “You could play that your submissive is there to please you, while you get to express all your desires on them and the submissive can enjoy being in service and being wanted, or there's the ‘service top’ style where the Dominant is servicing the submissive by creating an experience that fulfills the submissive's desires,” he says. “And sometimes still it's a dance that flows between the sessions, as the roles and power shifts between partners.” Exploring domination and submission doesn’t have to mean anything is set in stone. The two of you are simply trying something out — and depending on how it goes it can become a regular thing, a back-and-forth, or simply a one-off. 2. Domination and Submission in Romantic Relationships The perception that D/s relationships are inherently kinky can also mean that people assume they’re relegated to sex, exclusively — but that’s not the case, says adult actor Seth Gamble. “You can apply this to a relationship out of the bedroom if your partner is up for it and wants it,” he says. According to Lords, a D/s relationship that spills outside of the confines of sex is known as “24/7 D/s,” but she notes that the name could be misleading. “Even when one partner is dominant and the other submissive, you still have to navigate your working, parenting, or school life,” she says. “In D/s outside of sex, consent is still key, and any control granted by the submissive partner must be discussed and agreed to before you begin.” RELATED: What Are "Safe Words" and How Do They Work? Even if you’re both turned on by domination and submission, the constant, 24/7 conception of a D/s relationship is probably not something you should jump right into. However, as Play points out, you can start out small and work your way up. “Some may create protocols that dictate daily tasks and behaviors, while others may enjoy occasionally engaging in the dynamic for date nights or just here and there,” he says. What’s important is talking through it. “It may require more communication and boundary-setting to move a D/s dynamic into a constant thing, but many find it to be a deeply nurturing and satisfying relationship structure.” So what does D/s look like in a non-sexual context? It’s really only limited by the constraints of your imagination, according to Lords. “[D/s] takes form in an infinite number of ways,” she says. “Some examples include deciding what your partner wears, requiring permission for certain activities, even setting ongoing tasks or ‘rules’ that the submissive partner follows. In many cases these are behaviors that are good for the submissive partner — going to bed on time, eating healthy, or other lifestyle changes. In other cases, the activities a submissive agrees to do may be something that directly helps their dominant partner — taking care of certain chores, making phone calls, etc.” As with sex, the love for being submissive can stem from a desire to give up the burden of control and decision-making. Even if a submissive is actually doing more work than their dominant partner, it still feels less exhausting. “Sometimes if your partner is having a really hard day, they may love being able to come home and have a Dominant make decisions and control activities, as it can help quiet a busy brain,” says Play. “Or a submissive who struggles with too much to do may appreciate a dominant laying out clear tasks to accomplish and then rewarding them afterwards. Some partners may also just enjoy the subtle act of a submissive sitting at their dominant’s feet while watching TV at home.” That might sound like a dream scenario for a potential Dominant, but it doesn’t mean you can just start ordering your submissive partner around non-stop. “D/s is a give-and-take relationship,” says Lords. “A submissive has to be willing to do the things the Dominant wants done. And a submissive also needs to get their own needs met in the process. Just like the sexy stuff in the bedroom, there must be communication and consent before you start and throughout the process. A submissive should always feel free to express displeasure, discomfort, or concerns — as well as expressing positive emotions about the D/s relationship the two people are creating together.” 3. Common Domination and Submission Misconceptions Because of the way information on sex spreads in our culture — that is, often through pop culture, urban legends and word-of-mouth rather than from official, researched sources — there are lots of myths and misconceptions about Dominant/submissive relationships. Myth No. 1: D/s Is About Kink 24/7 “Actually, no, kinky people have lives to lead outside of the kinky fun we have with partners,” says Lords. “Going to work or school, parenting, and being a member of society are still on our list of responsibilities. Few kinky people have as much kinky sex as they’d really like to have.” Myth No. 2: Dominants Should Be Able to Intuit What Their Submissives Want “No one is a mind reader, and no Dominant should assume anything about their partner,” says Lords. “Just as no submissive should be making their dominant partner guess. You have to communicate with each other or this doesn’t work.” Myth No. 3: D/s Is Basically Abuse “Does abuse occur in D/s and BDSM? Yes, unfortunately,” says Lords. “But what separates D/s from abuse is consent. Both people should understand what the expectations are, what you plan to do together, and the kind of relationship you’re creating. When you have that, D/s can move forward in a healthy way — and it’s the furthest thing from abuse.” Myth No. 4: People in D/s Relationships Have Boundary Issues “[One] misconception is that kinksters enjoy these acts because they have no boundaries, when really it is their concrete boundaries and amazing communication skills that allow them to practice these behaviors,” says Play. “It's really healthy kinksters we should role model our communication off of, not the other way around.” Myth No. 5: Being Penetrated Makes You a Submissive “Any sex act can be performed by both a submissive and a Dominant, and therefore being penetrated does not make you a submissive,” says O’Reilly. “A Dominant could demand that a submissive penetrate them and a submissive might decide never to be penetrated. There are no universal rules and each of us has the right to set our own limits and negotiate personal boundaries as desired.” Myth No. 6: Dominant Partners Are Selfish or Power-Hungry “When a dominant lover engages in a scene with a submissive partner, trust is the bond that unites their pleasure,” says O’Reilly. “There is therefore little room for selfishness and the power is shared. Moreover, playing the dominant role requires a good amount of self-control and respect for boundaries to ensure that both partners derive pleasure from the experience. It follows that being dominant in bed (or in a play room) doesn’t mean that you are bossy, aggressive or demanding in all other aspects of your life.” Myth No. 7: Submissive Partners Are Weak or Have Low Self-Esteem “Submitting to a lover in a consensual, healthy relationship is not a sign of low self-esteem,” says O’Reilly. “In fact, in my practice and sexy travels, I’ve found that many submissives are actually quite powerful people who manage great responsibilities in their professional and personal lives. Being submissive in bed allows them an opportunity to play an alternative role and alleviates some of the regular pressure associated with their everyday lives.” 4. The Role of Consent in Domination and Submission Consent is incredibly important in any sexual interaction, but it’s perhaps more important than ever in sex contexts that play with notions of violence and control. Since the submissive, within a D/s dynamic, isn’t supposed to have a “say” in what happens, it’s extra important for a dominant partner to be attuned to their needs in situations where they are actually experiencing pain or displeasure and want to put an end to what’s going on. According to O’Reilly, good D/s dynamics keep in mind the R.A.C.K. principle. “R.A.C.K. stands for risk-aware, consensual kink,” she explains, “and this basic phrase outlines two of the essential components of kink while recognizing that there is some risk inherent to all sex play.” O’Reilly goes on, saying that “for kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity.These risks should be discussed ahead of time — not in the heat of the moment when sexual tension is already building. It is important to address the measures you plan to take to minimize risk when your mind is clear and your judgment isn’t clouded by desire or other distractions.” Furthermore, consent in a D/s relationship isn’t just about the submissive being OK with what’s happening — the dominant partner needs to be into it, too. “To be considered consensual, all parties involved must be capable of expressing their explicit and informed consent,” says O’Reilly. “The absence of protestation does not amount to consent and the clearest way to secure consent is to ask. Similarly, the most straightforward way to provide consent is to offer an enthusiastic and genuine ‘Yes!’” It’s also important to remember that even if you’re both on board for a specific activity at one time, that doesn’t mean you’re both on board for it later on. That’s why you should look for consent each time, or establish a framework where you both feel comfortable speaking up at any moment if something doesn’t feel right. “Do not assume that because a lover wanted to be tied up and rough-handled last Saturday night, that they also want to be bound and spanked next Thursday morning,” notes O’Reilly. “You always have the right to withdraw your consent at any time without explanation regardless of what you may have agreed upon in the past.” 5. Dos and Don’ts for Exploring Domination and Submission Do: Talk “Talk a lot,” says Lords. “You’ve got to be willing to share your thoughts and feelings (good and bad). Your submissive partner won’t know what you need or what to expect if you’re holding back.” Don’t: Expect to Be Good at First “If you’ve never dominated anyone even a little or you’ve never been given this much permission to take control, it will feel strange,” says Lords. “Start slowly and work up to the things that interest you.” Do: Get Educated “D/s isn’t something to be taken lightly,” says Lords. “If what you really want is rough sex but not the responsibility of being in charge of another person, cool. But that’s not domination. So find trusted resources — podcasts, YouTube channels, websites, books, whatever — and educate yourself on what it means to be a dominant partner and how to do it in a safe, sane, and consensual way.” Don’t: Worry That Liking D/s Play Is Wrong “Society teaches us that certain things (nearly everything found in D/s) are inherently wrong. So it can feel bad or evil to take control or tell someone what you want. If your partner is continually and actively consenting, you’re not doing anything wrong.” Do: Be Gentle About It “Use kink as a space to practice aftercare, connection, and building intimacy and trust together,” Play suggests. “For Dominants, learn to hold space and allow someone to feel safe and drop-in. For submissives, learn to practice letting go and trusting another person to see your vulnerability. There is something very sacred about D/s that lets you bond with another person on an immensely deep level and tap into positive neurochemical releases that are truly wonderful.” Don’t: Abuse the Dynamic “Don’t use this as an opportunity to manipulate, take advantage of, or abuse your partner,” says Play. “For example, if your partner won't do anal with you normally, don't use your D/s dynamic to manipulate her into doing anal with you ‘because you're in charge.’” Do: Switch Roles From Time to Time “Try being a sub from time to time to understand their perspective,” suggests O’Reilly. “If you are going to ask your honey to experience something new, you should try it for yourself first so you have an idea of what you are both getting into.” Don’t: Push Past a Safe Word “Do not continue if [the] safe word is said by sub,” says Gamble. “Do not do this if there is any doubt in your mind [that it’s] something only one of you may want.” Do: Be Confident “If you find yourself holding back or suppressing your natural desires, do not be discouraged,” says O’Reilly. “Stop for a moment and remind yourself that your partner consented (maybe even begged) to being controlled and is deriving pleasure from this role. Take a deep breath, pretend you are alone and think only of your own pleasure. If you could have anything you want at this very moment, what would it be? Now go ahead and take it! As long as it falls within the parameters of your agreed upon limits, your pleasure will be shared by your submissive lover.” Don’t: Assume You Know What They Want “Avoid making assumptions,” says O’Reilly. “If you are unsure of something, ask for clarification. Check in periodically to ensure that your lover is enjoying your dominance [and] do not pressure your submissive to push their limits in the middle of a hot sex scene.” RELATED: Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Consent The Dominant/submissive dynamic isn’t for everyone. But if you like the sound of it, and you’re willing to approach it in a communicative and consent-oriented way, it’s definitely worth giving it a try. You Might Also Dig: Sex Fetishes You’ve Never Heard Of The Best BDSM Toys The Most Common Female Sexual Fantasies