how do I repair my relationship with my new manager after a series of personal crises?

A reader writes:

I’ve been with my company for about three years and in my current department for two. In March, I moved to a new position in my same department after my previous supervisor said I was one of his best performers.

But then I got really sick and other things went wrong (such as my spouse having a car accident), and I ended up getting really, really behind. It didn’t help that my doctor refused to fill out FMLA paperwork because he hates paperwork.

Ever since then, I feel like everything that can go wrong has, but all my new supervisor can see is me making excuses for why I’m not caught up yet. She’s repeatedly told me that this is not the performance she expected from me, but I am literally fighting tooth and nail to get caught up. I’ve taking to using energy drinks and nicotine pouches every day to force myself to stay awake, and working the rest of the time to get my work done. I’m not even spending time with my family, and I am constantly stressed to the point of tears because I am so frazzled and so scared of losing my job.

She has gone from being really sweet and kind (telling me to feel better if I have a migraine) to rather cold and short (one-word answers or a thumbs-up). I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job at a company I love, but I also have no idea how to recover this relationship once I’m back where I need to be (and hopefully ahead like I usually was).

I already have a sincere apology planned when I am back in line, but what else should I do? How can I recover this relationship?

First, can you talk to your old supervisor about what’s been going on and share your concerns with him? Let him know you’ve had this perfect storm of crises in your personal life, it’s affected your work, and you’ve been working as hard as you can to get caught up but you get the sense that your new manager is really unhappy with you, and ask for his advice. The ideal outcome to that conversation would be that your old supervisor could talk to your new one, assure her that what’s been going on isn’t typical and is due to external events outside your control, and that if she can give you some grace to get through this period, she’s likely to be really happy with your work. In fact, if he doesn’t offer that, you could explicitly ask if he’d be willing to do that.

Second, talk to your new manager yourself. You said you’re planning to do that once everything is more under control, but you should do it right away — because the sooner you try to reframe things for her, the better. Say that you’ve had multiple things go wrong outside of work, you’re dismayed by how it’s affected your job, and you have been working as hard as you can to get everything under control, and ask for some grace to get through this period. You can even say something like, “I think if you talk to OldManager, he’ll tell you this isn’t typical for me at all.”

Ideally, you’d also ask for her help in figuring out a more realistic approach to getting things back on track. Yes, it’s important to get caught up, but only within reasonable human limits; it shouldn’t mean needing nicotine patches, not seeing your family, or always being stressed to the verge of tears (and that approach is likely to backfire at some point anyway because you’re not going to be in the right state to do strong work). A good manager would look at what’s happened, see at where you are and what still needs to be done, and work with you to come up with a plan to get caught up without coming at the expense of your mental or physical health.

Caveat: that’s what a good manager would do. I don’t know whether yours falls in that category or not. It’s true that this is harder for both of you because you’re new (which means there’s no existing bank of capital and credibility that would be built up if you had worked for her for longer before this all happened), but her being short and cold and telling you repeatedly that this isn’t the work she expected from you (without offering any support, it sounds like?) … aren’t great marks in her favor. So part of me also wonders if returning to your previous supervisor is an option, if a candid conversation like the one I described above doesn’t help things.

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