how do I deal with badly timed questions as a manager?

A reader writes:

I’m student work head at a university library — basically, I’m a student managing the regular student workers as a way of getting experience in management, leadership, etc. One of the workers has a bad habit of asking questions about everything. Usually it isn’t too bad, and of course curiosity should usually be encouraged, though it can derail conversations.

But recently, there was an incident where some of our just-put-up Christmas decorations were stolen. Naturally, I was upset, and I happened to mutter, “Whoever did this is a real berk.” (I don’t know why I chose that word — it was just the first that leapt to mind.) Overhearing this, she asked, “What does that mean? What did you say? Is it like the f-word?” (The last was in response to my attempt to answer by saying simply that it was a rude British word.)

She would not stop asking about it, and given that I was already in a bad mood from the stolen decorations, I started getting upset. I managed to get away before blowing my lid, but I am utterly perplexed that, seeing that I was upset, she decided it was time to begin an interrogation.

How should I (a) apologize for any offense I gave in my hasty departure, and (b) explain to her that there are times (such as when somebody’s upset) when it’s not appropriate to badger them with questions?

Was your quick departure actually rude? Because unless you were outright rude to her, this doesn’t sound like something you need to go back and apologize for. If I’m wrong and it was ruder than it sounds, then just be straightforward: “I’m sorry that I was short with you the other day after the decorations were stolen. I was caught up in addressing what had happened, and I wasn’t in a place to answer language questions, but I should have been clearer about that.”

For your second question, I wouldn’t go back now and chastise her about what she did; it doesn’t sound that egregious, more like she just misread what was happening on your end of the conversation. But since it’s part of a larger pattern of her derailing conversations, you can resolve to address that the next time there’s a natural opportunity for it.  For example, the next time she’s intensely questioning something in a way that’s disruptive, you can say, “I need to focus on figuring out X right now, so can you hold those questions for now?” or “Right now we need to get through topics X and Y, so I don’t want us to get sidetracked on Z” or so forth.

In other words, think about what you can do on your end to manage these conversations more assertively. In fact, I think the “berk” situation would have been a lot less frustrating for you if you’d done that! You probably would have come away less irritated if early on in that conversation you’d said something like, “Sorry, I’m right in the middle of dealing with this theft and I need to focus on that — give me some time to take care of this.” I think the fact that you’re not managing these conversations in the moment is making it more aggravating.

If addressing it case-by-case in the moment doesn’t solve it, then you can have a larger-picture conversation with her explaining that while you’re happy to answer questions in general, you won’t always be able to pivot to answering them right in the moment if something more pressing needs to be taken care of first. But that’s very much about the bigger pattern and not about the “berk” interrogation.

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