Habits to Prevent Divorce Later in Life

One day, they’re exchanging tearful vows and saying “I do.” A few years later, they’re heading for divorce. What happened? While every relationship and its struggles are unique, the answer isn’t always dramatic or easy to pinpoint. Oftentimes, relationships erode because of a lack of maintenance. “The problem really is that we stop feeding that loving feeling,” says psychotherapist Nicki J. Monti. “We start taking each other for granted. We stop noticing what’s magical, inspiring, and stimulating about our partner.” The good news is, what you do right now can help prevent divorce later in life. RELATED: The Phrases Healthy Couples Use, Revealed “Small habits can be powerful in keeping a relationship strong, because it is what we do in the day-to-day that truly matters for the long-term health of a relationship,” says Danielle Dellaquila, therapist and licensed social worker at Gateway to Solutions. From checking in daily to repairing conflict, here are eight therapist-approved relationship habits that will keep your bond strong through thick and thin. 1. Checking in Daily Life gets busy. Sometimes all you want to do at the end of the day is watch a show together. But setting aside a bit of time to reflect on your day and express feelings and needs is extremely important for staying connected, according to Dellaquila. “It does not have to be a deep daily conversation every time,” she says. “It simply allows space for reflection, no matter what is going on in each partner's life, and allows each partner time to express whatever they may need to.” 2. Listening Intently Listening — truly listening — is half the battle when it comes to good communication. “The vast majority of couples who sit on my therapy couch begin their sessions by complaining about poor communication,” says Monti. “Couples tend to blame the other person for lousy communication. 99% of the time, both members of a couple need to improve their listening.” What does great listening look like in practice? Repeat exactly what your partner tells you without “judging, mocking, interpreting or creatively changing the words you hear,” suggests Monti. For example,  “I heard you say you believe I’m not really interested in what you have to say.”  If your partner doesn’t agree with your version of what they said, you can nip potential miscommunications in the bud. 3. Connecting Through Physical Touch Showing affection through physical touch during mundane moments keeps the spark alive. Whether you give each other a kiss, a handhold or a shoulder rub when you walk past one another while getting ready in the morning or take a second to hug while making dinner, these interactions matter. RELATED: How to Keep a Relationship Interesting “Oftentimes, people get caught up in the busyness of the day-to-day, and brief physical contact during these tasks can provide a sense of connection and togetherness,” says Dellaquila. 4. Expressing Vulnerable Feelings How often do you share your deeper concerns, frustrations and feelings with your partner? “Often, we keep our feelings a secret,” says Monti. “We give ourselves all sorts of reasonable excuses: ‘I don’t want to burden them.’ ‘They won’t understand.’ ‘Talking about feelings isn’t helpful.’ ‘There’s nothing they can do about it.’ But really, emotional secrets accumulate inside.” Over time, this lack of sharing creates a growing disconnect, as vulnerability is necessary to foster closeness. The antidote? Being honest about what’s going on with you, even when it’s uncomfortable or you’re worried about your partner’s reaction. 5. Making Date Nights a Non-Negotiable Date nights don’t have to be extravagant, but they do have to be a priority. “[A weekly date night] allows the couple to have fun, spend time together in a setting outside the home and without the stresses of the house or kids and connect without distraction,” says Dellaquila. RELATED: Fun Date Ideas to Try With Your Partner If weekly dates aren’t doable, even a monthly outing can make a difference. The key is to enjoy each other’s company outside of the routine of managing a household. 6. Repairing Conflict “Every couple has conflict, but it is how they manage and repair that conflict that matters most. An important habit of healthy couples is making repair attempts during conflict,” adds Dellaquila. This can include using humor, turning toward your partner rather than away during conflict, giving them a hug or saying something calming to help de-escalate the situation. RELATED: The 5 Conflict Styles & When to Use Them in Your Relationship 7. Taking Ownership When a relationship issue comes up, taking ownership for your role in the dynamic — even if it’s hard — is a habit that can save your relationship in the long run. As Monti explains, we tend to want to defend, correct or explain. But taking accountability can turn challenges into opportunities to get closer. For example, imagine your partner telling you that they feel ignored. According to Monti, responding with a real apology — something like, “I get that you think I’m not interested in what you have to say, and you’re right. I’ve let my overwhelm about work and finances distract me. I’m going to try to give you and us the attention you deserve” is the kind of honest vulnerability that builds brilliant relationships. 8. Showing You Care We all want to feel cared for in our relationships. If you want a strong marriage, it’s important to consistently show that you care, even if you’ve been together for years. One way to do this is to set an intention to add value to your partner’s life, says Monti. RELATED: Small Romantic Gestures That Make a Big Impact What can you do or say to let them know you think about them and their well-being? Maybe you pick up their favorite snack, leave a surprise note in the bathroom or buy an item they’ve been wanting for a while. The point isn’t how much money you spend, but how thoughtful the gesture is. Healthy, fulfilling relationships don’t happen by chance. They are created, one small habit at a time. “The bottom line is: What we feed grows. Feeding your relationship daily with morsels of true, considerate attention and care will allow you to find stability, ever-deepening love and a sincerely fulfilling marriage,” says Monti. 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