employer pulled my offer after I asked questions, how to weed out candidates with obnoxious personalities, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employer pulled my offer after I asked questions

Last year I worked at a school I absolutely loved in a contract middle leadership position, covering leave. They were very happy with my work, but as there was only space for one person in the role, I couldn’t stay on. This year, however, the permanent staff member resigned and the school immediately contacted me to ask if I was interested in returning. I said yes, but explained I needed to weigh it up carefully, as I had just started a new permanent role elsewhere.

The position was advertised and I went through the recruitment process. After my interview on Thursday, I received a phone call within an hour offering me the role. I was enthusiastic but asked questions about parental leave entitlements and the FTE distribution, particularly around co-curricular load. I had already asked these in the interview, but they hadn’t been able to provide answers. They later left me a voicemail with vague information.

The next morning, they called again asking if I had decided. I replied that I still needed clear details about the role, as when I previously worked there the workload portfolio I took on for the year wasn’t clearly defined. They said if I didn’t decide within an hour, they would withdraw the offer. In a panic (while in the middle of a class), I emailed to accept with enthusiasm and said I looked forward to receiving the contract. Soon after, they rang again to say they were withdrawing the offer because I “seemed unsure” and was “trying to negotiate.” I explained I wasn’t negotiating, only wanting clarity on what I was signing up for. I also said it was unreasonable to demand a decision in under 24 hours and to pressure me during the school day while I was teaching.

I’m very disappointed but also relieved they showed their true colors. My husband thinks I should follow up with a polite email to avoid burning bridges, but I feel there is little understanding from them. My friends and family are appalled and say it’s perfectly reasonable to expect to review a contract before committing to a new role, especially when leaving a good position to do so.

I wonder if they were offended that I didn’t accept immediately, or perhaps my question about parental leave put them off. The whole timeline was extremely rushed (applications closed Monday, I interviewed Thursday, and they wouldn’t even give me until the following Monday to respond), so I also wonder if maybe they hadn’t interviewed anyone else and are now scrambling to do so. What do you think?

Your friends and family are right: this is appalling. It’s incredibly normal and reasonable to want clarity about the role and to review the contract before signing it, and the timeline was ridiculously rushed. Blaming you for “seeming unsure” and “wanting to negotiate” is also ridiculous — you were unsure because you still had outstanding questions and there’s nothing wrong with that, and negotiating is both expected and normal (although you hadn’t even indicated you planned to).

I don’t see much point in sending a polite email to avoid burning bridges; they have burned the bridge and, as you note, have shown you what they’d be like to work with. You can send a polite email if you want to, but there’s nothing here that calls for it.

2. How to weed out candidates with obnoxious personalities

I work in a branch office of a U.S. company. There are three of us on the inside sales team, but the most recent member is now leaving for greener pastures. When this person interviewed, they came across as fairly calm/collected, but over the course of their employment with us, the loud and/or obnoxious side of their personality emerged — not mean, just loud and obnoxious, which can be grating. They were talked to about it and it did get a bit better, but still happens. I’m sure we’ve all had our moments over the years, but those moments are short-lived and happen only a couple times a year, if that. This person is generally loud, but it can escalate into the obnoxious territory much more often. We have rejoiced on days when we know they are going to be working from home, because it means it will be quieter in the office.

The job is posted for a replacement, and we would like to try to find someone with a bit more mellow of a personality, if possible. Are there any questions that can be utilized during the interview process to try to weed out another person like this? I feel that there must be some way to get a better feel for their personalities.

Nothing perfect, unfortunately. But there are things you can do to try. First and foremost, the more you can put people at ease in the interview process, the more of their real selves you’re likely to see. So try to make your interview process conversational (within reason; you still need structure to it), share info about yourselves and your own jobs, and generally try to be warm and friendly and lower some of the pressure.

Second, can you take your finalists to lunch as part of their final interviews? Not everyone loves this, but on a small team where you’re trying to avoid personality clashes, it can make sense.

Third, ask what their favorite and least favorite work environments have been and why; that won’t necessarily get you anything conclusive, but it could get you some insights you wouldn’t otherwise have.

Last, check references — and when doing that, it’s fair game to ask about their relationship-building skills and what kind of presence they were in the office.

Related:
how do I ask references about a candidate’s personality?

3. Explaining mood changes without oversharing

I have bipolar type 2, which (for me) manifests in similar but perhaps less obvious mood changes than what might be considered “classic” bipolar disorder. From a practical standpoint, this means that my coworkers and boss see two different versions of me. My elevated self presents as socially bubbly, and I crack jokes and crush my deadlines. My depressed self withdraws from unnecessary social contact and reverts to doing the minimum necessary work to get by until I swing back up into an elevated mood. I’ve never failed to hit a deadline or dropped the ball on a project task, but I will sometimes get a few days behind on non-urgent emails or tasks.

I’ve been dealing with this for years and am pretty happy with my treatment journey thus far. However, my work situation recently pivoted into a role that interacts with a lot of people on many different teams. I’m confident that I can keep my work quality at an above-average level overall, but I’m a little worried about how my depressive moods might affect my relationships with coworkers and vendor contacts. To be clear, I’m not storming around in a rage or crying at my desk – it’s more that my elevated baseline is peppy, and my depressive baseline is flatter and smiling less (for an example: from The Office, imagine being greeted by Erin vs. being greeted by Pam – they’re both perfectly friendly, but Erin is much more bubbly and warm). I’m afraid that I’ll alienate my coworkers if I suddenly start presenting less warmly for a couple of weeks to a month!

I’m comfortable with providing a light overview to my close work friends (a matter-of-fact explanation that my mood and energy levels sometimes dip for a while with a reassurance that I’m fine and will feel better eventually), but I don’t know how to address it with the many stakeholders that I suddenly have. Should I point it out proactively? I don’t want people to think that something is horribly wrong when my bubbly self is suddenly replaced by my somber self. Am I way overthinking this?

If it’s really an Erin vs. Pam type difference, I don’t think it will be much of a problem. Lots of people have some periods where they’re peppier and some where they’re lower-energy. If the lower-energy periods are the sort of thing that could easily be someone’s un-alarming normal (like a Pam!), you shouldn’t need to proactively explain anything. If anyone asks or comments about it, you could say, “Maybe a bit more tired than usual, nothing to worry about.”

On the other hand, if the lower-energy periods are the sort of thing that would be noticeable even without contrasting them with your bubblier periods, that’s maybe more of a concern … although even then, in a lot of cases you could still use the “maybe a bit more tired than usual” language. Or even, “I have a chronic medical thing that’s flaring up, nothing to worry about.” But unless it’s to the point that it’s disruptive or uncomfortable for other people (like if you’re bringing a storm cloud into every room you enter), people really shouldn’t be policing your moods to that extent! And again, if we’re talking Erin vs. Pam, it shouldn’t even be an issue.

4. Company wants me to pay an “equipment deposit” for a new job

I just had an interview that left me perplexed.

A recruiter reached out to me about a role she described as “contract-to-hire,” where her company would place me with another company for a one-year contract, at the end of which the employer would decide whether to hire me full-time. While she was going over the benefits, she mentioned that if I was hired there would be a “small equipment deposit” for sending computer equipment to my home to work remotely.

The amount of this small deposit? $1,000.

The recruiter said that the deposit would be taken from my wages, but “it would only be $100 a week for 10 weeks.” She was acting like it wasn’t a big deal, but that’s $400 a month! That’s money I could use on groceries or bills (or eating too many tacos).

The interviewer specified that the deposit is because sometimes people don’t send the equipment back at the end of their contracts, but they would return the deposit back to me when my contract finished. So I would get my $1,000 back after a whole-ass year.

The role is high level (I have over a decade of experience in the field), and I’m honestly affronted — it feels like my integrity is being questioned. And I’m even angrier for people who are at lower job levels than me, who would have an even higher financial barrier and also might just agree to the deposit because they’re desperate for a job. I’ve never done a contract job before, but shouldn’t this just be a cost of doing business for the company? Is this even legal?

This is almost certainly a scam. Reputable companies don’t operate this way. Abort immediately and don’t send them any money under any circumstances.

If they want to ensure you’ll pay for any equipment that isn’t returned at the end of a contract, the way to do that is to have you sign something agreeing that the cost can be withheld from your final check.

As for the legality, it’s not illegal for an employer to ask you to front the money for potentially unreturned equipment (except possibly in California, where employers are legally required to pay for all business expenses) but this smells strongly like a scam.

5. Does FMLA cover working-from-home accommodations?

I have a question about the limits of FMLA. I understand it to be a protection for workers and their job. Companies can still require you to take PTO or the time can be unpaid.

Currently, our company does not officially offer work-from-home as an option for employees. The handbook states we should be in the office every day during “core hours” (8am – 4pm). However, a handful of individuals have negotiated WFH schedules and we have a few fully remote employees (however, this is “against the rules”).

I have a mental health condition that requires therapy appointments and am managing a new weekly supportive therapy for my special needs daughter (it takes places in our home so I just need to pick her up from school and bring her home and can keep working). Mostly, it just means I WFH a few times a month, sometimes half a day, so I can dedicate more time to work and less time driving. My current manager never requires PTO for medical appointments and allows us to WFH “as needed.” But again, this is not in the official policy.

However, I am transitioning to a new manager who is joining the company in a few weeks. Is it worth filing for FMLA to cover my ability to work from home when I have appointments or my daughter needs to be picked up? Will this end up hurting me by forcing me to use PTO or have my time go unpaid? For all I know this new manager could be even more relaxed than currently, but he may also be a strict rule follower. Does FMLA offer protections in these cases? I don’t want to face poor employee performance ratings etc because I am “that mom that keeps missing work for appointments.”

FMLA doesn’t offer any protection for working from home as an accommodation. It’s just job protection for when you have to miss work altogether to care for yourself or a family member. The Americans with Disabilities Act is what would potentially protect WFH as an accommodation (although it would only cover medical conditions related to you, not your daughter).

The best thing to do when your new manager starts is to explain what you’d arranged with your old manager and ask if that will work for them. If they say it won’t, you could use FMLA for that time, but that would mean not working at all during those times rather than working from home. Hopefully your new manager will see that it’s better to have you working during that time than not working, but ultimately it’ll be their call. (Frustrating, I know.)

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