do I need to bring gifts for coworkers back from vacation, mentee doesn’t want to do what’s needed to do to advance, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My mentee doesn’t want to do what it takes to grow

My team hired a brand new college grad, Olivia, earlier this summer. We work in a newsroom with a kind but extremely busy manager, so I’ve become her de facto manager … training her, delegating work, and generally helping her get up to speed.

She’s incredibly kind and does the basics of the job well. But she hasn’t shown much curiosity about the company or the industry beyond her immediate responsibilities. I’ve encouraged her to shadow other teams, grab coffee with people across the newsroom, attend company-wide meetings, and generally take advantage of opportunities to build relationships in what’s a notoriously tight-knit industry. She always smiles, says she will, and then never follows through.

There’s nothing wrong with that, necessarily. But she also regularly asks me how she can contribute more to the team or continue growing. When I offer her exactly those kinds of opportunities, she doesn’t take them. Is this something I should just let go? Or is there a gentle way to counsel her that growth in this business often requires taking initiative outside of your assigned tasks?

It’s also worth noting that this is my first time having a mentee like this. I’ve trained plenty of new hires before, but never someone this early in their career.

Name it for her more explicitly! The next time she asks about how she can contribute more to the team or continue growing, say something like this: “I’ve mentioned in the past when this has come up that the best next steps would be XYZ, but as far as I know that’s not something you’ve followed through on — which is fine, but it does mean you’ll have trouble advancing beyond the basics. Are you looking for a different type of advice from me, or is there a reason you don’t want to do those things we’ve talked about?”

My hunch is that she doesn’t think those things are really necessary to advance, or doesn’t want to do them so hopes there’s another path. It’ll help to delve more into it — both why she doesn’t want to, and why you think it’ll help her.

2. I’m brand new at my job and don’t like the way one coworker spoke to another

I’m brand new at this company. I’m still in my first week. The guy who’s training me, D, made an absolutely cutting remark directed towards another coworker, T.

Our supervisor asked D to come over because T had asked a really good question. D said, out loud in cubeville for all to hear, “That’s a first.” My jaw hit my desk. This is supposed to be a professional environment! D is the person who waxed poetic to me on my first day about how wonderful the culture is and how we’re all like a family.

I went to my supervisor’s supervisor, the person who hired me, and told them all of this. I included a timestamp. I made sure to emphasize that I wasn’t okay with this, that I was upset on my own behalf. I was not attempting to speak for T. I don’t know what to do next. Should I keep documenting instances of this happening?

You don’t need to do anything next! You’re new and you don’t know people’s dynamics with each other yet. It’s possible that D was joking around and T didn’t take any offense. D and T could be good friends. D could be the office jokester. You don’t need to solve this!

You can certainly keep an eye out for any troubling dynamics, but right now, one week in, you’d be overreacting to do anything more with it. (If anything, you may have already overreacted by going to your boss’s boss with it.)

3. Do I need to bring gifts for coworkers back from vacation?

I’m in my first job out of school and still figuring out office life. Since I’ve been here, I’ve only seen one coworker travel internationally for vacation and when he came back he brought small gifts for everyone (speciality food from where he was, which he put in the break room, and some trinkets that he gave to people individually). I’m getting ready to take a two-week trip overseas, and I’m not sure if that was just something nice he did or something I’ll be expected to do too. Would it be rude to come back empty-handed after going to a really cool location?

You’re not expected to bring back gifts for your coworkers when you travel, regardless of the location! It’s not uncommon for people to come back with an interesting food item for the office to share — but it’s definitely not expected or required, and it won’t be rude if you don’t do it.

4. We’re limited to two external learning opportunities a year, no matter how cheap

My department (academic library at a research-intensive institution) supports professional development, with an annual individual limit of $1,000 for up to two conference registrations, plus $2,000 for travel. Of course I am grateful for anything, especially since conference participation and presentations are required for promotion here. But the “up to two registrations” limit applies to not only conferences but also workshops and webinars — anything that requires a registration fee.

As a result, I sometimes skip conferences that fall at the beginning of our fiscal year to save one of my registration “slots” for a more prestigious (and more expensive) conference that happens at the end of the year. I definitely skip paid webinars on skills that are relevant to my work, unless it’s the last couple months of the fiscal year.

I’m lucky — most of my submissions over the years have been accepted at the prestigious conference, so I don’t finish the year with no presentations to brag about in my annual report. But waiting to hear if I’ve “lost my shot” for the year is stressful, and frankly some years I’d rather do a couple regional conferences and a couple webinars or online workshops (still well under the total cost of registering for and traveling to the prestigious event).

Our newest strategic plan is all about “advancing a culture of learning.” I want to ask leadership to explain how this two-paid-registrations-per-year policy advances a culture of learning, but I fear it would be perceived as complaining. And to be honest, it would be complaining…

Can you think of a goal this policy is achieving that couldn’t be achieved by having a monetary limit (as we do) and requiring permission from your manager (as we do)? That would help me stop rolling my eyes inwardly every time someone says “culture of learning,” which is happening a lot.

The only goal it’s achieving is limiting how many learning opportunities are actually available in this “culture of learning.” A dollar limit makes perfect sense; an event limit does not. You should be internally rolling your eyes — but you should also be pushing back on how illogical it is, as you plan to do.

5. When to ask about flexible schedule needs

I have a daughter with severe developmental delays and health issues and I manage most of her appointments, including two weekly therapies. When during the interview process should I bring up regular time out of the office and gauge the ability to have a flexible schedule?

I’ve been at my current job for seven years, so I have a lot of trust and leeway in my schedule and usually work some longer hours on other days or time in the weekend to even it all out to 40 hours.

I should note that right now both appointments are on Fridays, but we’ve also had them on different days of the week.

Wait until you have a job offer and bring it as part of the negotiations. Explain what you’ll need and ask how easy it would be to accommodate it. If their response is “Oh, extremely easy — we have a lot of people who flex their schedules that way,” that tells you something different about their culture than if they say, “Hmmm, let me talk to HR and see if we can make that work.”

Either way, if they agree to it and you take the job, make sure it’s memorialized in writing — which can just be you sending a short email saying something like, “I wanted to summarize our conversation earlier, agreeing to a title of X, a salary of Y, and the understanding that I’ll flex my schedule for two weekly appointments that I’ll make up the time for within the same week.”

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