can I ask my coworkers to tell me to shut up when I’m talking too much?

A reader writes:

I’m the other side of letters you get more commonly: I am the overly talkative coworker trying to figure out how to professionally ask (read as beg) people to cut me off. I have pretty obvious/intense ADHD and do work with my doc to manage it as best we can. Unfortunately, we have not hit the magic mix yet. Since there is no hiding it for me, I am lucky to have supportive bosses who make it safe to be pretty open about it.

The problem I am having is that while my current meds are really helping with most things, once I start talking, usually about something work-related, I cannot stop myself (literally screaming in my head to shut up, but hooray for executive function issues!).

I have told all of my coworkers multiple times that when that happens, it is not rude to tell me to stop and that in fact I consider it a kindness so we can both get back to work. Unfortunately, they rarely take me up on this. They’re either trying to be polite or enjoying the break or the conversation evolves into other, less pressing work things, so they let me keep going.

I know it is not their job to manage my issues, but I also hate dragging them down with me when I cannot make it stop. While I love that we have good relationships and I know it is my responsibility to manage my own stuff, it means a five-minute conversation can turn into an hour quickly and no one has time for that. Because of this, I try to use Teams/email, where I can have a wearable timer, but some things are better to verbally discuss, or you get caught in the hall, or I mis-estimate how long the needed part of the conversation will be and cannot really say, “Pause, I need to reset my timer.”

Since we are not client-facing, I was thinking about ordering a pin to wear on really bad days that basically says, “I am having a bad day. Please tell me to hush/go away if I start going, or else I will never leave and we both have 1,000 things to do.” But I cannot think of how to say it so it does not sound ridiculous (because it is ridiculous, yet here we are). I am just at a loss and that is the best solution I have landed on for days when, despite my doctor’s and my best efforts, the spicy brain wins, and I do not want to hold anyone else hostage to my brain.

Thanks for any suggestions you might have!

I would not wear the pin. I see why you want to wear the pin! But it feels like Too Much for work.

It’s going to be an uphill battle telling other people to feel comfortable cutting you off. Some people will be willing to, but most people will be saddled with social baggage about it being rude to do that. (For the record: it’s not rude! Particularly at work, where we all need to be able to say, “I’ve got to get back to what I’m working on” and we have the built-in excuse of our jobs. But people sometimes feel rude about it, especially in a culture where somewhat lengthy chatting is the norm.)

I actually think the timer you mentioned might be the best option for helping you manage this! Can you set it up so it goes off every five minutes until you tell it to fully stop? That way if you underestimate how much time is actually needed, you’ll have another reminder coming up in a bit anyway. Or, if that’s not possible, you could say something like, “Let me reset my alarm so I make sure I don’t miss ___ (my upcoming call / a work block I’ve scheduled for myself / my deadline for X).”

If you can, it might also help to pay attention to what portion of the talking you’re doing. If it’s roughly 50/50, it might be fine to continue. But if you can train yourself to notice when you’re doing 75% of the talking or more, ideally you’d see that as the equivalent of an alarm buzzing and a sign that the other person might be ready to disengage.

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