aggravated by my company’s giving-back program, superstar fiancé is my former professor, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I’m aggravated by my company’s giving-back program

My company has a giving-back program where employees are asked to volunteer time or make donations to charity and in return there is a designated one-day holiday that the entire company gets off. Terrific, right? This year, my team signed up for a charity event that was centrally located, which then moved to a much less convenient location for everybody. Most of us opted to make a donation to one of the suggested charities since twice the commute was just too much time away from work.

We then got push back to put on record how we gave back and when stated that we made a donation, were told we were supposed to attend one of the events as well. This is not how it has been presented up till now. I could note the work I do with local charities and be done with it, but I am feeling uneasy about my employer wanting to co-opt what I do of my own choice so they can tout it in their statistics. I made my donation to their chosen charity in addition to my normal designated nonprofits.

Is this just the way it is or are companies trying to get away with something here? By the way, our company does not match any of the donations employees make.

Yeah, this is crappy on multiple levels — first and foremost, telling you that you could donate or volunteer and then changing the expectations after the fact, but also the pressure to participate at all because people’s charitable support should be their own business. It’s great if the company wants to encourage volunteering and donating to charity, but it should be opt-in, not mandatory or high-pressure. And yes, if they want to tout volunteer work that you did on your own time (not during work hours), then they’re trying to co-opt your own personal volunteering as a way to laud themselves without any actual skin in the game.

Related:
my employer pressures us to volunteer for its charitable events

2. My superstar fiancé is my former professor

I’ll get the gossipy parts out of the way first. I am a woman who is engaged to a man who I met because I took a few classes he taught while in my masters degree program. You’ll have to trust me that our relationship is healthy and balanced, and, while we had chemistry for as long as we’ve known one another, our relationship didn’t turn social until after I took his classes and didn’t turn romantic until after I graduated. I received no special treatment as a student beyond what’s normal for a student with an especially good rapport with a professor. I’m not looking for advice on whether or not our relationship is appropriate. He is in his mid-forties and I am in my mid-thirties but because I am early in my career and have a young-looking face people often assume I am in my mid-twenties, which may or may not be relevant.

Here is what I’m seeking advice on. My fiancé is a superstar in the subfield I’m in. He’s a major innovator in the field, has won prominent awards, and wrote a widely used textbook. If I’m networking with someone, it is not uncommon for them to ask after finding out where I got my masters if I was able to study under him. How do I handle situations like this? It feels weird to leave out that we have a personal relationship when asked about him, but it’s uncomfortable to essentially disclose how I met my future husband when networking, especially as I know it might lead to judgment. In the past, I would just say that I took his classes and give one-word answers to any follow-up questions. (“What was it like to have him as a professor?” “Good.”) Is this approach still fine now or does it become a lie of omission?

I have no desire to keep my marriage a closely guarded secret. We are open about our relationship with plenty of close colleagues. I’m sure lots of people outside of our close network are aware. I know I can’t control the narrative. I just don’t want my first conversation with a new acquaintance at professional events to end up being about my personal life, especially when my personal life might trigger gossip.

Yeah, I think it’s going to be weird if you handle it that way and then they find out later that you’re actually engaged. It’s going to feel like a strange and significant thing to have omitted!

Instead, I’d move straight to the current relationship:

Them: Oh, were you able to study under Stewart Mongoose?
You: I actually know him very well — he’s my fiancé.

You’re skipping over the student/professor question and just moving right to your present-day relationship. That will probably be enough for a lot of people, and most probably won’t go back and say, “But did you take his classes too?” But if anyone does, you can say, “I did have some classes with him, but of course we didn’t have a social relationship until much later.”

3. How can people be required to work without pay if the government shuts down?

With (another) government shutdown looming, I am once again hearing news reports about essential government workers being required to work without pay. I have never been able to get someone to explain how that’s not highly illegal. In fact, would it not be … slavery? Can you give some insight into this?

Well, it’s not slavery because people aren’t, you know, owned by their employer and they have the right to quit.

But yeah, it’s messed up! Federal employees do get back pay once the government reopens, but it obviously can be a significant financial burden on them meanwhile; it’s not like their bills don’t need to be paid during that period.

It would be illegal for any other employer not to pay people on time, but the government is fond of exempting itself from the employment laws that it passes for private employers (see also: allowing itself to pay non-exempt employees with comp time instead of cash, as well as denying whistleblower protections to legislative-branch employees).

4. Do I need to sound like I’m mourning my toxic former colleague?

A few years ago, a colleague retired from my organization. She recently was diagnosed with a fast-moving illness, was admitted to hospice, and died. Of course I feel terrible for her family and have sympathy for their loss. But this woman was not nice to me and not pleasant to work with. When I think of her, as I have during the course of being updated on her illness and passing, I think of scenes she caused in the office — berating and arguing with me, other colleagues, and at times even unsuspecting delivery men or service providers.

My boss is aware of all this behavior but continues to speak to me about how devastating and upsetting this loss is. I realize that both can be true, but I feel like my boss is looking for me to express something that my heart does not feel. How would you proceed?

You don’t need to claim to be in mourning when you’re not. But you should sound empathetic to your boss’s grief and to your colleague’s family, so you can say things like, “It’s awful for her family” or “My thoughts are with her family.” You could also say, “I didn’t know her as well as you did, but I’m so sorry for the loss to you and others who did.”

This likely won’t go on indefinitely, so the goal is just to express compassion and sympathy while your boss is processing it.

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