After Eleven Years, He Is Still Not Ready For Marriage

We were both young when we started dating eleven years ago. He didn’t have money, but he showed me love in ways that made me believe in us. He was the sweetest person I knew. So I was determined to stick with him through thick and thin. Today, we have an eight-year-old son together.

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We went through so much over the years. I remember back in the days. He had to move to Accra because there was nothing in the village for him. His mother refused to invest money in his education. Even when he wanted to travel to Accra, she didn’t give him money. He called me in tears.

“At this point, you are all I have,” he said as he begged me never to abandon him.

He had to live with his friends when he got to Accra and started working. I stayed by his side through everything he experienced. When it was his turn to stand by me, he was quick to jump out the door.

I had just found out I was pregnant. He said he didn’t want to be a father. He wanted me to get rid of it but I refused. Because of that he abandoned me throughout the pregnancy. The mistake I made was to forgive him when he showed up after the baby was born.

He swore he was back to stay but, slowly, his presence faded. His excuse was, “I am busy working to provide for my son.” I watched him drift away from me and towards friends and money. I found myself begging for the smallest form of affection.

When I kept pushing, he broke up with me. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else enjoying the man I had sacrificed so much for, so I begged him to take me back. It took months before he finally did. Even that, I didn’t get the man I once knew back. I got someone who would call me only when he wanted me to spend weekends with him.

Anytime I mentioned marriage, he would say he wasn’t ready. One time he told me plainly, “This is not a relationship. It’s just an arrangement for me to have sex when I am in the mood.”

Recently when the subject came up again, he asked me, “What have you even sacrificed for me, apart from giving birth?” After everything I had stayed through, those words were painful to hear. Being there in his hardest years should have been enough for him to value me.

Is There A Perfect One Out There For Everyone?

The happy part of our relationship lasted only five years. The last six years have been nothing but ghosting, excuses, using our son as a bridge to see me, weekends filled with intimacy and then silence afterwards.

I’ve thought of blocking him from everywhere. But each time I consider it, I remember my son. He lives with me. His father needs to reach me to provide for him.

I feel like I’m losing myself. Some pastors say it’s spiritual. I don’t always want to believe that, but sometimes I ask myself—what makes a man chase you fiercely today, and the moment you give him a chance, he becomes cold and distant again?

I don’t think I will be free of him if I still talk to him. It seems to me the only way out of this mess is to block him and delete his number. Should I do it even if it affects my son’s relationship with his father? At least, until I am completely healed from the toxic relationship I am struggling to let go of.

—Sandy

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