8 ways we can lighten the baggage our children are carrying in life

Your son comes home from school and holes up in his room. Come dinner time, you call for him to join the family, but his reply is brusque. He is not hungry. What do you do? How should you react?

Counsellor at a local church, Christina Khoo, shared this scenario at a panel discussion “Lightening the Baggage for Our Kids” that was part of D6 Singapore Family Conference 2025, The theme for this year was “As We Go”.

Christina Khoo gave practical tips on how parents can connect with their children. All photos courtesy of D6 Family Conference unless otherwise stated.

Also on the panel were Rev Tay Li Ping, Pastor-in-charge at Christalite Methodist Chapel; and Charis Lim, CEO of a management consulting firm and co-founder of getconnected, a parenting app, as well as lay leader in The Methodist Church in Singapore.

(Left to right) Charis Lim, Rev Tay Li Ping and Christina Khoo speaking at the panel discussion “Lightening the Baggage for Our Kids”.

Part 1 of the report looked at the baggage our children are carrying and new goals towards which we need to steer them to help alleviate their stress.

In this concluding portion, Salt&Light covers what the panellists shared that can help our children lighten life’s baggage.

1. Look beneath the emotions

“The first one I want to talk about is anger,” said Christina.

“Brené Brown in her book Atlas of the Heart describes anger as this emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or there’s a violation of the way things should be.

“Anger is something very unique in the sense that some people call it the ‘secondary emotion’. She calls it the ‘indicator emotion’. What she means is this, when you see anger, don’t stop there. Ask yourself, ‘What is behind that anger?’ Because what is behind the anger is something that’s troubling the kid or the person.”

Look beneath the emotions because if you only address the anger, only the symptom gets managed. The underlying issue never gets settled.

For example, when your child is angry, it could be the result of being bullied in school, being isolated by friends, having tons of work to do so that anxiety arises, or feeling dejected from trying hard without getting any results. Deal with those instead of dealing with the anger.

2. Connect before correcting

Drawing from psychiatrist and expert in neurobiology Daniel Siegel, Christina went on to talk about the importance of attunement, the ability to understand and respond to the emotions and needs of another person, often involving a deep, empathetic connection. 

“By doing that, we are creating a sense of being understood and connected. When your children know that you understand how they are feeling, it will be easier for you to talk to them. They will be more open to listening to you,” she explained.

This is why connection must come before correction. Christina shared a four-prong strategy to connect then correct:

C – Curious
O – Open
A – Accept
L – Loving

With a belligerent youth, being curious might mean going to him and saying: “I noticed you have been quiet since you came home.”

Said Christina: “Don’t even talk about how he has been rude. Talk about what happened to him first. As he opens up, say: ‘Tell me more.’

“If you are judging, you are using your adult lens. If you are open, you just listen. What are you listening for? His feelings.”

Then comes accepting, which is not agreeing with everything said. It is acknowledging and validating feelings expressed.

Finally, love. This may come in the form of encouraging the child in his disappointment or comforting him in his grief.

Only then – with the connection made – should correction about the child’s rude behaviour be addressed.

Charis agreed: “Connection calms the storm. Correction steers the ship. I have found that yelling works faster, but listening works longer. Yelling may get quick results but validation can lead to long-term growth and understanding.

Charis Lim shared personal stories to underscore the importance of celebrating each child’s individuality.

“So don’t rush to solve every problem. When we take the time to listen to our children and validate their struggles, we show them that we really care about what matters to them.”

3. Nurture family relationships

The connection does not exist in a vacuum. It depends on the strong relationships within the family.

To nurture strong family relationships, Rev Tay insists on family dinners on weeknights. No devices are allowed during that hour.

Rev Tay Li Ping shared several ways she strengthens ties in her family.

“We sit around and we talk. No discipline. Don’t preach. When they talk, we try to keep a straight face. That opens the space for connecting.”

During special seasons like Advent or Lent, reading the Bible together may be included.

Once a week on her day off, she takes one child for a dinner date,

“It’s just that presence. It opens the relationship with one another so that when I need to correct them, they are willing to listen.”

For busy parents, Rev Tay had another piece of advice: “Nurture a relationship with your spouse. This is absolutely critical.

“Choose your spouse first. I don’t mean necessarily to spend more time with your spouse because it depends on season, right? But you must, you must, you must prioritise your spouse.”

4. Celebrate instead of comparing

Parents need to see their children as masterpieces created by God and not mistakes, said Charis who quoted Psalm 139:14 and Ephesians 2:10.

“We need to stop fixing what the Father formed. As parents, our role is not to dictate the path, but to help them discover and stay in their lane, running the race that God has set for them.

“For God has a purpose and a call that is so unique and so specific that only they can fulfil what God has called them to do.”

To do this, parents need to first understand their children’s uniqueness: “How they are wired, what drives them, what motivates them, what inspires them, what troubles them, their innate gifts, their strengths, their talents, their abilities, their propensities, their inclinations”. Only then can parents help each child to reach his fullest potential.  

Charis talked about his own academic journey.

“I went through the whole schooling system, triple Science, right? I was going to be a doctor and all that. But I realised this at Sec 4 that I just couldn’t make it with Physics. It was just something I didn’t like, and I couldn’t force myself to try and do it.

“But I love my parents because my parents said, ‘What is God wanting you to do?’ It changed my life forever. I decided I was going to switch courses to Humanities, which was a very big decision because all my friends were going into Medicine.

“I don’t regret it because one thing led to another and I was able to get into Cambridge because I was in alignment with God’s hardwiring for me.”

Rev Tay has eight children – four biological and four foster. She is mindful not to compare them, cognisant of the “rough start” that her foster children had.

“They struggle to pass. What is excellence in this child’s context is very different (from ours). Excellence means I’m willing to put in the effort, I’m willing to write the answer and not be afraid I’ll get it wrong, I’m willing to try.

“If I insisted, ‘You’re going to be like my other kids’, they’ll be in trouble, right?”

5. Resist the performance trap

The urge to meet certain standards of performance is a real one, said Charis.  

“I don’t know whether you guys feel the same because if my children come home with a C, we are so tempted to say, ‘Why didn’t you get a B?’ It’s a battle within me, as if our children’s worth comes from their performance.”

Charis recounted an occasion when he showed his children his box of trophies and medals.

“They were so thrilled. They began holding the trophies, taking photos, draping the medals round their necks.”

A few years later when his son and daughter began to compete in sports on their own, they told him that they wanted to “win more medals” because what they had was not enough by Charis’ standards.

“My heart broke at that moment. I was thinking: You don’t need to win any medals for me. I love you just as you are. It was a teaching moment for me.

“Be mindful to affirm their worth, not just their achievements.”

This also means that parents need to guard their children’s rest.

“God rested,” said Charis.

“Let’s make rest holy not just on Sundays. Let’s create margins of rest throughout the day and not pack our children’s schedules from morning to night.”

6. Exercise grace

Children should also not be judged on the outcome they produce, whether it be in academics or in their faith. Parents need to exercise grace instead.

Said Rev Tay: “They need to know you’re okay regardless of the kind of grades they get. And they need to know that regardless of the expression of their faith, you’re okay with that.

“Every child’s relationship with God grows differently. They have different giftings, and they have to know that Mummy’s love and approval do not depend on a faith that is performative.

“Which means I put in the work to put in all these habits, but I have to surrender the outcome of my child’s faith to God. Sometimes your children will walk away from the faith for a season because they need to go into the wilderness and realise this faith as their own.

“They need to know that whatever expression of their faith, even if they reject the faith, that your relationship with them is non-negotiable. Your love for them will never change. Then the door to you is always open.”

In doing this, we model the Father’s unflinching love, added Rev Tay.

Charis agreed: “When you put your child down, you know what? They don’t stop loving you, but they may stop loving themselves. Our approval is their mirror.”

7. Develop sustainable spiritual habits

Help your children develop spiritual disciplines.

“My favourite understanding of spiritual disciplines comes from Richard Foster. He’s written a classic book called Celebration of Discipline,” said Rev Tay.

“He says that in the spiritual life, we have to pursue this path where we have to exercise discipline because there’s something we have to do. The actual transformation that comes from within is only something that God’s Spirit can do. But we have got to do something and walk this path at the same time.

“This balance is what I want to bring to us when we think about how we want to spiritually form our children.”

One spiritual disciple Rev Tay has instilled in her children is a connection with the Word so they can have a relationship with God. Every night, as part of their bedtime routine, she plays an audio devotion for them.

She chose this because it is sustainable.

“I know this one I can do every night, very easy. I press the button. From my youngest to my 23-year-old when he’s home.

“It’s a very contemplative kind of audio devotion. It helps the kids to kind of wind down for the day.”

This is followed by the Aaronic blessing from Numbers 6:24-26 which she and her husband sing in Hebrew over the children.

Charis’ wife sends prayers to their children every morning via WhatsApp to “invite Jesus into their situations”.

“She is warring in prayer. Prayer is our strategy, not our backup plan.”

Parents need to guard their own relationship with God as well.

“Discipleship and faith are caught more than taught. You cannot disciple if you’re not a disciple yourself,” said Rev Tay.

“Pick a spiritual discipline or rhythm that you can sustain.”

Rev Tay uses the same audio devotion that she plays for her children. Instead of listening to it at night, she listens to it on her drive to work.   

8. Count on community

The church and cell group can rally around the children, too, so they have connections with more godly adults.

Said Rev Tay: “[Make sure] young families are connected to somebody and really extend a lot of grace to them. In your worship services, do you welcome children?”

She shared about a season when, as a young parent, she struggled to attend church services and how she was thankful people did not judge them.

Beyond church-wide efforts such as parenting workshops to encourage parents as they shepherd their children, she urged the participants to think of practical help they can render to families.

“Just one example. There was once I was serving at the door and I saw this mum carrying this four-month-old baby throughout the service. I saw that she was tired, and I just went go to her and said, ‘Do you mind if I just help you carry your baby?’

“She was so glad that I could help and then she could just sit on her chair and breathe.”

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