8 little tests manipulative partners use to gauge how much control they have

Being in a relationship should be about mutual respect, honesty, and love. But there are some folks out there who see it as a game of control, using subtle tactics to manipulate their partners.

As Tina Fey, founder of Love Connection blog and an expert in relationships, I’ve seen just how these manipulative strategies can play out. It’s not always overt – in fact, these ‘tests’ can be so subtle, you’d hardly notice them.

In this article, I’ll be sharing with you the 8 little tests manipulative partners use to gauge how much control they have. And trust me when I say, being aware of these can be a real game changer in your relationships.

Remember, it’s all about understanding, not judgment. Let’s dive in.

1) The jealousy test

We all know that jealousy is a pretty normal emotion to feel in a relationship, but manipulative partners use it as a tool to test your boundaries.

These individuals might deliberately flirt with others in front of you or talk about their exes to provoke a reaction. If you get upset, they’ll accuse you of being overly jealous, thereby making you question your own feelings and reactions.

It’s a subtle way for them to gain control, by making you feel like you’re in the wrong. This can lead to self-doubt and make you more susceptible to their manipulation.

Remember, everyone has the right to express their feelings. If something makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to communicate that openly. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for having emotions.

2) The guilt trip

Ah, the old guilt trip. It’s a classic in the manipulator’s playbook.

I remember a client once telling me about how her partner would constantly make her feel guilty for spending time with her friends or pursuing her hobbies. He’d say things like, “You must not care about our relationship if you’d rather spend time with them.”

It reminded me of a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Manipulative partners use guilt trips to undermine your self-esteem and make you more dependent on their approval. This gives them more control over your decisions and behavior.

But here’s the thing folks, don’t let anyone use your emotions against you. Everyone deserves to have their own life outside of a relationship. Guilt should never be used as a tool to control someone else.

3) The ‘you owe me’ approach

Manipulative partners often keep a mental scorecard of everything they’ve done for you, using it as leverage when they want something.

They’ll remind you of that one time they helped you with a project or paid for dinner, and suddenly, you feel obligated to return the favor.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I talk about how important it is to recognize these unhealthy patterns.

A relationship should be about mutual respect and partnership, not a transactional exchange. If you notice your partner frequently using the ‘you owe me’ approach, it might be time to reassess things.

Love is not a debt. You don’t owe anyone anything just because they did something nice for you. That’s not how healthy relationships work.

4) The over-complimenting game

This might seem like a strange one. After all, everyone loves compliments, right? But manipulative partners can use flattery as a tool for control.

Here’s how it works: they shower you with compliments, making you feel special and cared for.

But once they’ve built you up, they may start to withdraw that positive reinforcement, leaving you craving their approval and willing to do almost anything to get it back.

It’s a subtle form of control, leaving you dependent on their validation for your self-esteem.

While it’s great to receive compliments from your partner, it’s important to remember that your worth is not defined by them. Healthy self-esteem comes from within, not from external validation.

Always maintain a sense of self-worth independent of your partner’s praises or criticism.

5) The ‘no one else will love you’ card

This one is particularly hurtful. Some manipulative partners use fear and insecurity to maintain control, often suggesting that no one else would love or care for you the way they do.

I recall a time when a dear friend of mine was in such a relationship. Her partner would constantly tell her that she was lucky to have him because no one else would put up with her.

It was heartbreaking to see her self-esteem crumble under his cruel words.

If your partner ever uses this tactic, know that it’s a blatant lie designed to keep you under their control. Everyone deserves love and respect, and there are plenty of people out there who can and will appreciate you for who you are.

Don’t settle for anything less.

6) The silent treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation that can be incredibly damaging. It’s when your partner gives you the cold shoulder, refusing to communicate or engage with you until you acquiesce to their demands.

It’s a tactic designed to make you feel anxious, guilty, and desperate to make amends, even if you’ve done nothing wrong. They withhold their love and attention until you’re willing to bend to their will.

Let’s get real here: this is not love, it’s control. In a healthy relationship, issues should be discussed openly and honestly, not used as weapons to manipulate and coerce. Remember, everyone deserves respect and open communication in their relationships. Don’t settle for anything less.

7) The ‘if you loved me’ trap

One of the most common tests manipulative partners use is the ‘if you loved me’ trap. They’ll ask you to do something that you’re uncomfortable with, and if you refuse, they’ll question your love for them.

A few years back, a young woman came to me for advice when her partner asked her to cut ties with her family because he felt threatened by them. When she hesitated, he said, “If you loved me, you would do this.”

This is pure manipulation. As the famed poet Maya Angelou once said, “Love liberates. It doesn’t bind.” Love should never be used as a bargaining chip or a means of control.

If your partner truly loves and respects you, they would never ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable or compromises your values. Always remember that.

8) The victim card

The victim card is another powerful tool in the manipulator’s arsenal.

Here, your partner consistently portrays themselves as the victim, no matter the circumstances. They twist every argument, every issue, to make it seem like they’re the one being wronged.

This tactic is designed to make you feel guilty and sympathetic, eventually leading you to succumb to their demands in an attempt to ‘make things right’.

Let’s be clear here: It’s okay to sympathize and support your partner when they’re genuinely facing difficulties. But constantly playing the victim, especially when it’s used to deflect responsibility or manipulate, is not okay.

In a healthy relationship, both partners acknowledge their mistakes and work together towards resolution. No one should use their ‘victim status’ as a method of control.

Final thoughts

Recognizing the signs of manipulation in a relationship can be difficult, especially when you’re deeply involved. It’s important to remember that every relationship should be based on mutual respect, love, and honesty.

If any of these points resonate with your current situation, take a step back and evaluate your relationship. It’s never too late to seek help and make changes.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I provide more insights on overcoming manipulation and building healthier relationships.

You deserve a relationship that brings out the best in you, not one that keeps you under someone else’s control. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

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