When Your Family & Friends Dislike Your Partner

So, you think you may have found “The One” — or at the very least, the one who makes you happy right now. You’re in love with them, they love you back. It’s that simple, right? But what if your family and friends don’t adore your partner quite as much as you do? Worse yet, what if they just downright don’t approve? This conundrum can cause a serious strain on your relationship, and may even raise questions or concerns in your own mind about the future. After all, how can you make it work with someone long-term if your loved ones won’t accept them? The first thing to know is that you’re not alone. Dr. Paul Losoff, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of Bedrock Psychology Group, says he’s seen this issue time and again — and in fact, currently has two patients who are struggling with conflict between their spouses and families. RELATED: What to Do When She Doesn't Like Your Friends The second thing to know? That just because your friends and family aren’t on board with your partner just yet doesn’t necessarily mean you should end the relationship. “We can navigate these issues better in a world where we value curiosity over silence,” says Domenique Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in race and relationships. “By prioritizing clarity and understanding, we can develop strategies to overcome relational distress and strengthen our relationships with our partners, family, and friends.” Ahead, therapists share the steps they recommend taking to rectify this stressful — but potentially solvable — situation. 1. Let Yourself Feel Your Feelings Starting a new relationship is supposed to be an exciting time. So, it’s only natural to feel frustrated, disappointed, or just plain sad if your friends and family aren’t able to share in your joy, says Channing Richmond, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Octave. Just as we expect our loved ones to celebrate other wins in our lives, like a promotion at work or buying a new house, we hope that they’ll celebrate our relationships, too. So, it’s no surprise that a lack of approval from your loved ones can be disheartening and distressing. RELATED: New Relationship Don'ts Not only that, but we often hope that our partners will be able to blend seamlessly into our lives — joining in on family vacations and outings with friends. When we don’t have their approval, that can create challenges in harmoniously merging our two worlds. “We build our social lives around the people closest to us,” says Gabriela Reyes, a licensed marriage and family therapist and resident relationship expert for Match Group's Chispa. “If our partners struggle to have a good relationship with the people closest to us, it will create uncomfortable situations.” Consider journaling about what’s coming up for you, which may help you to better identify and process those feelings. It may also help you to clarify your feelings so you can better express them to your friends and family members. You can also work one-on-one with a therapist, who may offer guidance on how to cope with these emotions in a healthy and productive way. RELATED: Benefits From Therapy That Change the Way You Live Life 2. Listen to Their Concerns Experts agree it’s super important to understand why your friends and family aren’t a fan of your partner — because the reasons can range widely, and will impact how you proceed in your relationship. Harrison recommends scheduling some time to talk with a few trusted people one-on-one — which may feel less overwhelming than a group meeting — and make it a point to listen to their concerns with compassion and an open mind. RELATED: How to Deal With Family Issues Impacting Your Relationship Be mindful not to get defensive, and instead, stay curious and ask questions to make sure you fully understand their perspective. “Your friends and family may perceive your partner as someone who does not have your best interest in mind, see them as controlling, or worry that they’re taking advantage of you or trying to shape you into someone you are not,” explains Losoff. These are all valid concerns. This is a good time to dig deep to understand what evidence they have for these concerns — say, specific interactions they’ve witnessed between you and your partner, or things you’ve told them about your relationship. “If the people around you are noticing that your partner is rude, controlling, dismissive, etc., it’s important that you check in with them and take a closer look at your relationship,” says Reyes. “Sometimes we need others to point out red flags that we may not see ourselves.” But what if your loved ones don’t approve of your partner because they don’t think they make enough money, they don’t like the way they dress, or they’re resentful that you’re suddenly spending more time with your partner than you are with them? Remember, says clinical psychologist Dr. Monica Vermani — your friends and family members don’t know your partner as well as you do, so their observations or concerns may not be accurate. Try to remember that these people are on your side, and probably have your best interests at heart. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t often biased, too. “We need to recognize that sometimes our family and friends are also flawed and may consider unimportant things while approving or disapproving of our partners,” says Reyes. Richmond also notes that your friends and family may have certain expectations for you — some of which may be unfair, unrealistic, or misaligned with your own priorities — that come into play. RELATED: Here's How to Exit From a Toxic Relationship “If they don’t see your partner as someone who helps you meet those expectations, that can lead to disapproval of your relationship,” she explains. Their disapproval may even stem from a more selfish reason — like resentment about the fact that they’re spending less time with you now that you’re in a relationship. “Many loved ones and friends can disapprove of your relationship because of the shift in your accessibility and availability,” explains Richmond. “While you can empathize with people feeling this way, it isn’t fair to hold someone’s partners accountable for negative feelings towards change.” 3. Check In With Yourself While gathering insight from your friends and family is important, at some point it’s time to turn inward and evaluate your own thoughts and emotions. RELATED: How Men Can Work on Improving Their Emotional Intelligence Don’t underestimate the power of your gut instincts, either, says Losoff. Is there a part of you, no matter how small, that’s worried about the same things your friends and family expressed to you? Is there an anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach that you just can’t seem to shake? Is there a voice inside your head telling you that maybe your loved ones are seeing things you’re refusing to see? If you’re unsure if you’re being treated poorly or if the issues brought to you are overblown, Tirrell De Gannes, a licensed clinical psychologist at the Thriving Center of Psychology, recommends trying this simple test: Ask yourself: if you saw a loved one in the same relationship, with the same kind of partner, being treated the same way — would you have a problem with it? RELATED: How to Make a Good Impression on a Partner's Family 4. Look for Patterns in the Relationship Now that you’ve gathered info on why your friends and fam don’t approve of your partner, Richmond advises looking for patterns in their concerns. There’s no need to investigate every single negative comment from your loved ones — you want to look at the bigger picture here. “Not everyone is going to get along all the time,” she says. “What’s abnormal is if almost everyone in your life says the same negative things about them.” RELATED: How to Recognize Unhealthy Relationship Patterns If this is the case, Richmond says it can also be helpful to use a therapist as a sounding board to explore patterns in your relationship history, and discuss why you may be missing these red flags that others are picking up on. 5. Be Mindful of What Info You’re Sharing Real talk: a lot of us have a tendency to only talk about our partners when we’re complaining. The problem with this, says De Gannes, is that your loved ones start to develop an inaccurate view of your relationship because they’re hearing about all the negative aspects without the positives to balance it out. “Too much of this information makes it hard for your friends and family to support the relationship,” says De Gannes. For this reason, De Gannes strongly recommends making an effort to talk openly about your partner’s admirable qualities and strengths. Tell friends and family members about their sweet and supportive everyday gestures, like making you coffee every morning or listening to you vent about your work day. The more you share these things, the better your loved ones will come to understand why you love your partner — and maybe, just maybe, they’ll come to love them too for the very same reasons. Another pro tip? When appropriate, De Gannes suggests encouraging your friends and family to spend some alone time with your partner, so they have an opportunity to bond with them on their own and get to know them outside the context of your relationship. RELATED: Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship 6. Set Boundaries as Needed If you determine that your friends’ and family’s concerns are valid, then it may be worth taking a step back to assess whether or not your needs are being met in this relationship — and whether your partner is willing to make any changes to ensure that you feel emotionally secure, happy, supported, and fulfilled. On the other hand, if it becomes clear that their disapproval stems from superficial issues — say, your partner’s income or physical appearance, experts advise setting some clear boundaries — with consequences — with your friends and family. For example, you might let your loved ones know that you won’t tolerate them making fun of your partner or bashing them behind their back — and if they do this, you’ll end the conversation or leave the gathering. According to Richmond, it’s more than OK to tell a friend or family member when their complaints or comments are not helpful. RELATED: How to Deal With a Toxic Family for Your Partner’s Happiness “Let everyone know that you will not take on the role of intermediary,” adds Vermani. In other words: your loved ones shouldn’t ever put you in the position of middle man where you’re forced to voice their complaints. “Finally, recognize that even though people can be judgmental of others when they first meet, first impressions are not always accurate, and that interpersonal dynamics can evolve and get better,” Vermani tells AskMen. “Give your close friends, family members, and partner the benefit of the doubt.” You Might Also Dig: Early Signs Your Relationship Just Won’t LastMistakes to Avoid When Meeting the Parents Over Video ChatSigns She's the One for You