What’s Really Going On in “Are We Dating the Same Guy” Facebook Groups?

“If you have any romantic involvement with this man at all, I would strongly suggest getting as far away from him as possible,” said TikToker Jenny Rhodes in a video she posted in February that now has over 367,000 views. “I have never met someone so manipulative in my life.” Rhodes was referring to her then-husband, a man whom she has since divorced, who, according to this video, cheated on her with dozens of women shortly after they were married.

Rhodes isn’t the only woman who has sent out a PSA like this—and TikTok isn’t the only app where you can find stories like these. Women are finding their partners in city-specific Facebook groups dedicated to sharing information about men who are unfaithful, abusive, or untrustworthy. If you’re a single woman in the dating pool—especially if you’re dating men—you’ve probably heard of the one in your city. And if you’re chronically online, you’ve definitely seen a TikTok storytime or two about someone finding their husband or boyfriend on one of these pages. But how do these groups even work, and are they really worth joining if you’re worried your partner might be cheating? We investigated.

What are “Are We Dating The Same Guy” Facebook groups?

According to The Independent, “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups started in New York City as a way for women to post about the people they’re dating—usually a cisgender man—and check to see if they were single. Since then, the purpose of the groups has morphed from checking a potential partner’s availability to exposing serial cheaters, calling out abusive ex-partners, and even catching dating app catfishes. Just like in Rhodes’ video, where she identifies specific locations where her ex might be located, women in different cities use the group to protect other women in their area with every post.

The groups function like the inverse of a dating app: instead of showing options for potential matches, the community-driven feed shows a list of guys you should not date.

Like any Facebook group, “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” groups have community rules and guidelines. To prevent doxxing and defamation, most groups require that all posts only identify the “guy” with a photo and a first name. Everyone who wants to join the group is required to apply, and sharing any content outside of the group is strictly forbidden to protect the members’ safety. The groups function like the inverse of a dating app: instead of showing options for potential matches, the community-driven feed shows a list of guys you should not date.

Why do “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Groups Exist?

Cyberpsychologist Dr. Jocelyn Brewer says that “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” groups exist because dating, especially in the digital age, can feel wildly uncertain. “Being able to confirm an inkling about infidelity and understand the depth of it can be empowering for people when dating and romantic intimacy can feel so out of control,” she said. Imagine you were unsure about a new romantic partner and a video like Rhodes’ saying “I would not feel safe around this man” on your FYP, or a post about how terrible he is—it would serve as all the confirmation you need to end the relationship.

Before you jump to any conclusions about the kind of conversations and public takedowns that are going on in these groups, know that if a member posts about a guy who’s truly decent, the group will sing his praises. “If there’s a nice guy who is posted, women will come out of the woodwork to let you know,” said TikToker @notkahnjunior in an explainer video.

…if a member posts about a guy who’s truly decent, the group will sing his praises.

Are women actually catching cheaters in these groups?

Short answer: yes. Long answer: yes, and the effects are far more wide-reaching than the end of a few relationships or a handful of women dodging creeps. Some women are being contacted about their partners being posted in these Facebook groups even if they themselves have not joined the group. This happened to Desiree Westman, who is documenting her experience with her cheating husband on TikTok. In her original video explaining the situation, she said, “I just saw a message this morning in my TikTok from a girl who knows my husband asking if I had posted him in the ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ Facebook group in my area…no, not dating him, just married to him!”