What You Should Know About Homophobia

Despite decades of progress for LGBTQ+ equality at the end of the 20th century and into the beginning of the 21st, today’s current political climate has resurrected a wave of homophobia in various forms and degrees. In fact, a recent study showed that social media platform X has experienced a 50% increase in hate speech alone since Elon Musk’s acquisition in October 2022, with much of that coming from homophobic slurs. But anti-gay slurs via Internet comments and posts only scratch the surface of a biased attitude that surged during the ‘80s AIDS crisis. Sometimes we see this hate evolve to violence. Other times, homophobia can fester from within, internalized by closeted gay men who are unable to come to terms with their sexuality and live life as their most authentic selves. No matter the reason, one thing’s for certain: Any type of irrational fear of (or eagerness to cause emotional or physical harm towards) another person is wrong. If you’ve faced homophobia, struggled with homophobic tendencies, or are in a place where you feel disdain for your own same-sex attraction, you’re not alone. AskMen chatted with three professionals on how to recognize signs of prejudice and eventually overcome them. Where Homophobia Comes From Despising people who are different is not an inherent part of our DNA. It is a learned behavior, often manifested in childhood by imitating the words and actions of those closest to us. “No one is born homophobic. It’s learned from culture, religion, politics, family systems, and media,” stresses life coach Eric Feltes, who has made it his life mission to empower gay men to heal from religious trauma. “People embrace it because it feels ’normal’ in their environment, or because they fear losing belonging, power, or certainty.” “People exhibit homophobia, consciously or unconsciously, because they’ve been taught to fear difference,” adds Moe Ari, love and connection expert for the dating app Hinge. “From an early age, we all receive messages about who we need to be, who we need to love, what income we need to make, what clothes we need to wear, and even what language we must speak in order to belong.” And, Ari adds, “We’ve either witnessed or experienced firsthand what happens when we color outside of the lines — usually, we are criticized in some way until we comply with the expected norm.” This is important to keep in mind, as habits, though difficult to break, can be challenged to eventually lead to more positive outcomes. How Homophobia Manifests While flagrant homophobia may take the form of language or even violence, it most often appears as a subconscious bias that influences decision-making and/or how we treat people. “Homophobia can show up in ways that are both blatant and subtle,” explains Feltes. “On the surface, it looks like slurs, discrimination, bullying, or laws that deny LGBTQ+ people equal rights.” RELATED: Debunking Common Misconceptions About Gay Men But, says Feltes, “it also manifests in quieter, insidious ways, like exclusion from family gatherings, silence and complacency in church pews when anti-gay rhetoric is preached, or even assumptions that a person’s relationship isn’t as valid as a heterosexual one.” “It’s a failure to recognize someone’s full humanity,” asserts Ari. “This is why it’s essential for us to discuss the impact of these harms. When we name it, we begin to interrupt it. And that opens the door to deeper, more expansive relationships for everyone.” How to Overcome Feelings of Homophobia Unlearning negative patterns can be a long and difficult process, but it’s not impossible. Ari shares self-guided practices that anyone can and should take into consideration to curb potential and/or inadvertent bigotry: 1. Be Radically Honest With Yourself “Write down your highest values,” suggests Ari. “For example: Love, loyalty, community, togetherness, honesty, trustworthiness, honor, etc. and ask ‘how do my beliefs about LGBTQ+ people align with my highest values? What aspects of my beliefs need to shift for me to be in alignment with my values?’” 2. Pause Judgment, Begin Inquiry “When you feel discomfort around queerness, don’t rush to dismiss it,” Ari says. “Pause. That discomfort is not a sign you’re bad; your ability to pause and be curious is a sign of growth. Let it guide you to a deeper understanding of the root of your discomfort. Ask yourself: ‘Where did I learn this belief’? Notice if your thoughts come from inherited shame, not personal truth.” 3. Listen to Queer Voices “Start following queer creators, writers, and thinkers,” Ari suggests. “Don’t ask them to teach you, just witness. Listen to and learn from their joy, pain, wisdom, and humanity. Presence is a powerful teacher in this process.” 4. Transcend Binary Thinking “Masculine and feminine aren’t fixed,” Ari says. “Heterosexual and gay aren’t opposites. Love doesn’t need cisgender, heterosexual, monogamous categories to be real. I invite you to explore the spectrum of identity and become more expansive/intersectional in your understanding of identity.” 5. Check Your Language & Assumptions “Do your words assume everyone is heterosexual or monogamous? Are you defaulting to stereotypes about someone’s gender based on how their body looks? Can you practice saying ‘partner’ instead of assuming their gender? These small shifts can help you to practice what you’re learning,” says Ari. 6. Repair When Needed “If you’ve said something harmful, own it,” Ari says. “I always tell people to ACT: acknowledge/apologize, correct yourself, try again.” 7. Choose Connection Over Control “Homophobia often stems from fear of what can’t be controlled,” Ari says. “But connection is not about control. It’s about curiosity, compassion, and presence.” 8. Remember: Liberation Is Shared “When you make room for others to be fully seen, you become freer too,” says Ari. “This isn’t just about celebrating LGBTQ+ people; it’s about building a world where everyone can show up whole and authentic.” How to Deal With Other People’s Homophobia Witnessing homophobia, especially in public settings, can be equal parts enraging and uncomfortable. While your safety and that of anyone being targeted should be of the utmost concern, there are a couple steps, as provided by Feltes, that anyone can follow to confront the situation head-on. Speak Up: “Silence is what allows it to continue unchecked. Speaking up doesn’t always have to mean starting an argument or making a scene. It can be as simple as redirecting the conversation, challenging a slur, or calmly saying, ‘That’s not OK.’ Even a small interruption can plant a seed of awareness that someone’s words or behavior are harmful.” Respond with curiosity instead of confrontation: “Sometimes asking thoughtful questions can be more effective than shutting someone down,” Feltes says. “For example: ‘What do you mean by that?’ or ‘Why do you feel that way?’ These questions can make the other person pause and reflect, and they put the responsibility back on them to examine their words. This strategy often lowers defensiveness, and it models compassion without compromising your boundaries.” If you experience homophobia firsthand, any response of yours will also be completely dependent upon the situation and people involved. RELATED: Common Questions About Gay Guys, Answered “Sometimes safety means walking away, sometimes it means confronting it directly. And sometimes, the most powerful response is surrounding yourself with people who affirm you so you don’t have to fight every battle alone,” argues Ari. “You don’t have to carry the whole burden of dismantling homophobia on your own shoulders.” Resources for Combatting Homophobia While the aforementioned tips can certainly inspire a conversation or serve as a foundation for actionable steps against homophobia, there are also those that have woven the study of intolerance into academia. Dr. Warren J. Blumenfeld, author and editor of titles like Responding, Teaching, and Learning Race & LGBTQ Topics as Acts of Resistance in a Declining Democracy and Homophobia: How We All Pay the Price lends their expert take on the subject after years of firsthand research. “I believe we are all born into an environment polluted by heterosexism and cissexism (two among many forms of oppression), which fall upon us like acid rain,” they say. “For some people, spirits are tarnished to the core, others are marred on the surface, and no one is completely protected.” Thanks to their work, Blumenfeld has also created helpful guides to “make colleges and universities welcome for students, staff, faculty, and administrators of all sexual identities, gender identities, and expressions.” “We all have a responsibility, indeed an opportunity, to join together as allies to construct protective shelters from the corrosive effects of prejudice and discrimination while working to clean up the heterosexist environment in which we live,” they share. “Once we take sufficient steps to reduce this pollution, we will all breathe a lot more easily.” Those in search of Blumenfeld’s work and beyond as resources to identity, understand, and confront homophobia are encouraged to visit a local library and/or reach out to an organization like The Trevor Project or GLAAD that specialize in navigating its unfortunate resurgence. 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