What Are Hard Launching & Soft Launching?

So you’ve been seeing someone for a few months, and things are going great. You’re both on the same page about wanting to take the relationship further; perhaps you’ve had the exclusivity talk. In the age of sharing everything online, you may have started wondering: How and when should I post my new partner on social media? Over the past decade, social media has played a significant role in shaping how people perceive and define relationships. “With so many different social media platforms available and very few people having no digital presence, it makes sense that we expect dating lives to show up in some way via social media,” says Dr. Nari Jeter, LMFT. “A common overall anxiety is questioning how long the relationship will last and if it is truly worthy of a semi-permanent spot on their wall or feed,” says Jeter. RELATED: How to Use Social Media Like a Gentleman But here’s where it gets tricky: when do you actually post about them? The question might seem trivial, but it carries real weight for many people. Hard Launching vs. Soft Launching Hard launching a relationship means you’re clearly stating to the world that you’re in a romantic relationship with someone, says Jeter. An example of a hard launch can be changing a relationship status on social media, tagging your significant other in pictures, and even posting about them and naming them as your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner online. With a soft launch, on the other hand, you’re hinting that you’re seeing someone without directly telling your friends and followers who it is, or for how long. “This can be through pictures, such as faceless date photos or shadows of two figures walking holding hands, all implying there is a person, but no clear proclamation of who it is,” Jeter explains. “I believe soft launches [are] a testing ground [for your relationship] but also a form of protection,” says Jeter. “A soft launch may be a way to gauge whether your friends and followers are ready to be supportive of a relationship in general.” However, protecting privacy may be more specific to the person you are dating. For example, if they are high-profile, have extenuating circumstances (such as not being legally divorced yet), or if there are concerns about an ex-partner retaliating, individuals may choose a soft launch for protection. According to Anthony Canapi, founder of Best Man Matchmaking, soft launches can be a way for LGBTQ+ couples to feel seen without risking safety and vulnerability. “Because we have more nuances, there are more topics and discussions that need to be brought up that can cause harm to one or both partners.” (One example that Canapi notes is whether or not couples have family on social media who know they are queer.) Why Do People Hard/Soft Launch Relationships? Back in the 2000s and early 2010s, it was all about being “Facebook official.” In the 2020s, people are more cautious about what they share online, especially when it comes to significant others. There are real psychological reasons why posting about your relationship matters. “One factor is commitment,” says Jeter. “Online sharing signals to others that they are ‘off the market’ and in a committed relationship. It can also be a sign of commitment towards their partner, legitimizing the relationship through social proof.” But it’s not all about proving something to others. Sometimes posting your partner is genuinely about celebration. “Having a partner who loves and cares for you is beautiful and meaningful,” Jeter notes. “And what better place than social media to share those experiences?” For Canapi, posting can also be an act of pride. “Working with LGBTQPIA+ singles and couples, I find that posting on social media is an empowering act of visibility,” he says. Being able to say “This is who I love, and I’m proud of it,” he notes, can be huge for people whose love is seen as somehow wrong by those with homophobic prejudices. However, there are other ways to share the news without posting about it — old-fashioned means such as emails, phone calls, telling people in person and even letter-writing. These may not have the efficiency of being able to reach dozens or hundreds of people you know in one fell swoop, but they can also offer you more control over who finds out and how, as well as offering the opportunity for more in-depth exchanges about your news. Is There a Right Way to Launch Your Relationship? Simply put: no. What works for one person or one couple might be radically different for someone else. The decision to hard or soft launch is based solely on you and your partner’s comfort levels. “Personal preference may be linked to personality style and how open and vulnerable one may be on social media,” says Jeter. “Some people prefer to share as little as possible on social media, while others are very open.” Another big factor is dating history. “For example, if someone has had a recent slew of failed relationships that were hard launched on social media, they may be more hesitant to launch another one,” says Jeter. “Or, if this new relationship comes particularly soon after a previous one, one might fear judgment from others on the new relationship timing.” RELATED: How to Avoid Rebound Relationship Mistakes Here are some things to consider if you’re grappling with sharing your S.O. on social media. How Long Have You Been Dating? There’s no universal guideline for when to share with the people you know that you’re seeing someone new — what feels like the right time for one person may seem too early for another and too late for yet a third. It’s all about trying to find a timing that’s right for both you and your new partner. That being said, the experts caution against rushing into a hard launch. “Couples who post too early may feel like their relationship is being judged and not taken seriously,” says Jeter. “Also, if the other partner pressures one partner to post too early, it can feel inauthentic.” “Share the moments, not the milestones,” Canapi adds. “Couples need to ask ‘Why?’ and ‘What will this post do for not only the couple, but the person making the post?’ because it can be more self-conscious compared to a couple-conscious decision.” How ‘Official’ Is Your Relationship? “Some people may hard launch because they’re open on social media, and it may not imply a deep commitment. While others may hard launch only when they’re committed,” says Jeter. “You should have conversations on what the launch implies about the commitment level in the relationship.” In short, you should probably have some form of a “define the relationship” conversation before you launch the relationship. How Might Friends & Family React? Sure, your relationship is and should be about the two of you, but when you post on social media, you’re inviting the world to share their thoughts. “If there are a lot of positive responses and congratulations, it can bolster the relationship. However, if responses are limited or even negative, a lack of social support can quickly sour a relationship” for some people, Jeter notes. For example, a comment like,“‘Hey, wait, what happened to the last one?” could be seen as a judgment on the person’s dating history. “I’ve even had individuals express fear of hard launching their relationship because their ‘ex’ may reach out to their new partner to harass them,” Jeter adds. RELATED: How to Navigate Social Media After a Breakup If either of you has any concerns about responses from specific people in your lives, it could be best to use privacy tools at your disposal, such as blocking, muting, soft-blocking and “close friends” posting in order to reduce the likelihood of the wrong people engaging. How Can You Make the Launch a Collaborative Effort? “People should draft the post verbiage and pick out any pictures together with their partner,” Jeter explains. “They should also get consent to tag the partner in this post.” And when you do decide to post about your partner on social media, keep it positive. “It’s also important to keep the post about the current relationship and not use it as a passive-aggressive jab at previous partners/relationships,” Jeter adds. “You don’t have to put others down to bolster your current partner. It just doesn’t send off a good vibe.” What If You and Your Partner Disagree About Posting? So, you’re more coy about sharing on social media, but your S.O. is ready to show you off to the world? Or vice-versa? Its time to talk it out. And how you handle this disagreement matters more than the outcome.  “It’s how these conversations are handled that are more meaningful than the outcomes. They can be glimpses into bigger relational issues like communication styles, conflict management, and problem-solving,” she explains. Instead, try to find a middle ground, Jeter says.  “Posting a picture of holding hands could be followed with the caption, ‘I’m so happy right now. When we’re ready, I’ll let you know why…and who!’” she suggests. “This is a nod to a new relationship while also setting the boundary that specifics will be shared later.” Remember: social media isn’t the only way to signal commitment.  “If someone has met one’s friends and family in real life, does that signal commitment to them?” Jeter asks. “And if so, does going public on social media signal even more commitment, especially if that person doesn’t share much on social media to begin with?” The Bottom Line About Hard & Soft Launching Here’s the reality: “I hear many young people exclaim, ‘It’s on Instagram — it must be serious!!!’ when talking about peer and celebrity relationships,” says Jeter. But she also notes a counterpoint from her own experience: “I, as an Xennial, will often joke with my husband that the people who post the most about their relationships are typically the unhappiest behind closed doors.” Jeter advises being intentional about building the foundations of your relationship before introducing outside influences. “It takes a lot to create a secure, meaningful relationship,” says Jeter. “Take the time to enjoy it peacefully and quietly, because when you share it with the world, you invite others’ opinions, feelings, and projections about it.” And lastly, no relation is the same. Do what’s best for yours. “Your relationship is real, whether or not it’s visible on Instagram,” says Canapi. “So make decisions based on love, not likes.” You Might Also Dig: Things Men Do Online After a Breakup Are You Dating Someone With a Social Media Addiction?Flirting Mistakes Guys Make On Social Media