updates: refusing to pray with a religious client, learning to brag, and more

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. Can I refuse to pray with my religious client?

The advice you gave me was very useful and it helped me to organize my thoughts and see the situation in a more rounded fashion.

I have decided to lean into pretending to be religious and keep this client as long as I can. I have my elderly mother living with me and, thanks to the policies of the administration these people voted in, we are struggling and will struggle even further when the health insurance premiums increase again.

So I absolutely fake pray with them every time and have learned the verbiage to fit in better with how they speak. If they can fake it in order to profit financially and politically, then so can I. I see this as them doing a small part in addressing the problems they are causing for me and so many others in this country.

I’m going to get my bag from these folks who I think are doing irreparable harm, and I am using a substantial percentage of it to donate to Planned Parenthood and other organizations fighting them. I’m frankly tired of taking the high road every time and having it washed out from underneath me, and tired of seeing that play out in the political arena as well. I am also documenting very carefully when I have to advise them that they’ve broken federal law and then they lie to me about having addressed it per my advice, and when I am able to move on — if our IRS is in any kind of shape — I will whistleblow on them.

2. How do I brag about myself to my boss? (#4 at the link)

Your perspective and the commenters helped illuminate that this was an odd point of anxiety. Well, I could talk your ear off about how distorted my work culture norms became from that (past tense!) job. Your blog did a lot in helping me validate my feelings of something not being right.

My spouse has been out of work for a while, and in the same week — we both at last got offers for positions we are delighted about. I’ve also started a master’s degree program, and today I have 6.25 days left of this company I’ve been at for almost a decade. I could cry with relief. (I have!)

To any readers who might go through shame, embarrassment, or anxiety if your job does something that shocks others — I see you. You can get out. Don’t give up!

3. I’m taking an extended break from work and my dusty LinkedIn profile is haunting me (#4 at the link)

Thanks so much for your answer, it helped me relax a bit. I think as a human with ADHD who has often felt a need to explain and offer context, the LinkedIn profile was just really sticking in my craw. It was so weird to deal with such sudden and profound disability and have lots of people in my life not know what was happening to me. Everyone else was going on like things were normal, and I felt like leaving it un-updated meant I was pretending to be normal too. Even though I’ve proudly identified as disabled for a long time due to neurodivergence and chronic illness, this was a whole new level. I think I just felt really unseen, but updating it would also have been weird and terrible. I couldn’t figure out a way to do it in a way that wouldn’t invite unsolicited comments or bias, but leaving it alone didn’t seem like a real option until I wrote in. Letting it stay dusty was definitely the best course of action, and your answer gave me some peace on that point.

Good news is, I’m almost fully recovered now! I did end up updating my LinkedIn this summer, because I was finally ready to scout for volunteer and paid roles to ease my way back into the workforce. Did it help with my return to work? Dubious, lol. I think networking and being able to write/talk about myself well were bigger factors in my favor, and perhaps no small measure of sheer luck. Using your cover letter, resume, and interview prep tips were major, and it didn’t hurt that I work in a niche with a small professional community. On a whim, I put out a few feelers on professional FB groups and they got way more traction than I expected. I was invited to apply, interviewed, and was hired for an amazing part-time, fully virtual independent contractor role within two weeks(!) of posting short blurbs about who I am, what I can do, and what I was looking for.

There’s lots of support, flexibility, and room to grow in this role and things are already taking off for me. I was accepted to the volunteer position I wanted too, and I’m really excited to give back to my community. I’m so grateful, both to have my health back and to have lucked into super supportive environments where my lived experience as a disabled and neurodivergent person are deeply valued.

4. Do I have to keep working late now that I’ve resigned? (#3 at the link)

It ended up calming down on its own pretty soon after, and they ended up keeping me on as freelance worker. Although they took my salary and divided it by 40 hours a week to calculate my hourly rate and aren’t paying me a penny more for me to cover my own benefits and vacation so … the feeling of resentment continues. But hey, pretty good for a part-time gig!

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