Str8Curious: Why Do Gay Men Care So Much About Their Appearance?

Str8Curious is a monthly AskMen column where out and proud lifestyle expert Joey Skladany answers burning questions from heterosexual men about sex, dating, and the LGBTQ+ community. No topic is off limits as he candidly lends advice, debunks stereotypes, and gives it to you straight — err — gay. Should you be interested in submitting a question for editorial consideration (and we will respect anonymity), feel free to ping Joey directly on Instagram or email him at joeyskladanywrites@gmail.com).

The Question

I have recently come out, but I have found that the gay community can be quite superficial when it comes to appearance. Is there a lot of pressure to look a certain way? It seems exhausting and now I’m starting to question whether or not I’m considered attractive or even want to date. - Henry, Des Moines, Iowa

The Answer

Welcome to the exact conversation I have in therapy every week, Henry! It’s always such a joy and a pleasure to dive into, so pop a Xanax, grab a surplus of tissues, and buckle up.

All joking aside, rejection by gay men can be equal parts exhausting and infuriating. Many of us endured a traumatic childhood of feeling dismissed and ostracized by our peers, only to grow up and imitate and/or experience this behavior within our own community. Ain’t that something?

As I see it, the reality of how we got here is threefold:

1) Gay Men Thrive With This Newfound Feeling of Superiority

They’re no longer, at least in their chosen social circles, perceived as “different” or “less than.” Instead, they’re now in a position of power and get to choose who they surround themselves with on a daily basis.

While this is a wonderful way to protect themselves from those who challenge their very existence, it can go to an extreme and develop into a form of narcissism. Frankly, there is a temporary high associated with telling someone they’re not worthy of you, especially when the table of emotional abuse has turned and you’re now sitting at the head of it.

2) Some Gays Are Simply Insecure

And as we all know, insecure people lash out because it comes from a place of pain and hurt. If you can convince yourself that you’re “better” or more attractive than someone (even if you know it’s not the truth), you may feel good about yourself in the moment.

RELATED: What to Do If Your Partner Is Overly Insecure

This typically turns into a negative pattern of dismissing those who don’t meet the same unrealistic standards you place on yourself, following the all-too-common mentality of “if I can’t have it, you can’t either.”

3) Gay Men are Attracted to — Surprise! — Other Men

As a result, there is a significant percentage of homos who idolize the male ideal (Adonis-esque features like bulging muscles, strong jawlines, flowing hair, perfect teeth, etc.). There is always a standard of beauty that society and media perpetuate and men are subjected to this, as well. This is why plastic surgeons have seen a significant uptick in male patients who seek masculinity-enhancing procedures like chin implants and midsection liposuction.

Think about some of your straight friends and their unyielding obsession with petite blonde women who have big boobs and tiny waists. It’s not difficult to draw parallels.

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While I would love to say that negative interactions with men like these are rare, I can confirm, especially as a travel writer, that superficial gay men are literally in every city across the world. Of course, some places are worse than others (looking at you, NYC), but it’s not exclusive to our country or a specific geographic subsect.

But what I will tell you is this: Attraction is a very nuanced thing. What tickles one person’s pickle may garner a strong “meh” from another. People are going to like what they like and our self-worth shouldn’t be dictated by others, especially if it’s rooted by unattainably high standards.

Ask yourself, instead, how much you really care about not fitting someone else’s mold, especially if that someone is one of the aforementioned narcissistic, insecure, and hard-to-please men who make it more difficult for all of us. Do you want to be with a person like that beyond a fun and sexy night? The days of chasing are #over. There are plenty of fish in this gay sea and, if you put in the work, you’ll inevitably find someone who is wired similarly to you.

RELATED: Understanding the Difference Between Attraction and Compatibility

Of course, distracting yourself from the noise is easier said than done. And it may even take months and years of therapy to get to a place where you feel deserving of this type of love. Heck, I know that I’m still guilty of slipping back into these habits as I wait for Chris Hemsworth to realize that I am the one for him.

But it’s important to constantly check yourself and keep in mind that the beauty of being human is that we all come in different shapes, sizes, and backgrounds. There is someone for everyone. And the older we get, the more we really do realize it’s not just about outward appearance — it’s about dick size (kidding, of course).

Continue searching, stop doubting, and remember that you attract the energy you put out. If that energy is one of open-mindedness, kindness, and, most importantly, acceptance of all types of people, you’ll soon enjoy the fruit of your dating labor — pun very much intended.

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