Porn, AI companions and sexual experimentation: How can we help future-proof our youths?

A wife confronted her husband because she found out that he had been watching pornography. She told him: “When we’re having sexual intercourse, I feel like you’re thinking of another woman.”

The husband replied: “You’re upset with me for watching porn because you think I’m thinking of other women. But I think when you’re watching a Korean drama, you’re thinking of other men.”

While porn is clearly not the same as K-drama, Dr Ng Liang Wei recounted this to illustrate the fact that even on such an issue, “not all parents think alike”.

Before talking to their children, parents need to think carefully about whether their values are congruent. “Sometimes you have two persons who are trying to instil very different sets of values to the next generation.”

Dr Ng was speaking at a plenary session of The Future of Healthy Sexuality masterclass by Focus on the Family Singapore.

Titled Next-Gen Sexual Issues, the plenary session sought to look at worrying trends among youths in the areas of sex and sexuality, the factors that drive these trends, and the tools needed to train the hearts and minds of the next generation to desire good.

From left: Moderator Joshua Liong with panellists Dr Tsao I Ting, Dr Ng Liang Wei and Michelle Soon. Photo courtesy of Focus on the Family Singapore.

Along with Dr Ng, Director of Sexual Wholeness Services at Lakeside Family Services and Executive Director of Indigo & Co., a charity that focuses on sexuality and gender identity, were Dr Tsao I Ting and Michelle Soon.

Dr Tsao is a clinical psychologist with more than 15 years of experience across public and private settings, while Michelle is an educator and commissioned Colson Fellow who is trained in engaging culture with the Christian worldview.

Moderating the panel discussion was Joshua Liong, principal trainer with Focus on the Family Singapore.

In Part 1 of the report, Salt&Light looked at the world in which the youths of today live and its impact on their ideas of sex and sexuality.

In Part 2, we look at how to help youths understand healthy sexuality. 

Parents need to lead the charge

1. Remember the principle of first mention

The topic of sexuality needs to addressed in the home because who the child hears from first becomes the expert voice, said Joshua.

As such, he encourages parents to take up the mantle of being a child’s first educator.

“Right now because of their access to technology, the principle of first mention is happening from outside sources, and these are the sources that may not have the best intention for our children.”

While parents might feel that their child will learn about this from school, Dr Tsao believes that sexuality education is best taught at home.

“This can only be subcontracted out to other people to some extent. Parents, you bring the values – you’re the one that’s going to guide your child.” 

2. Children want to talk to their parents

In her clinical work, Dr Tsao also observes that a lot of young adults wished their parents talked to them about sexual issues.

“They don’t have the guidance and don’t know how to navigate this.” 

Citing a study conducted by Focus on the Family Singapore, Joshua agreed that such conversations are actually welcomed by children.

“This is consistent with what we have found in our survey.”

As many as 80% of youths and young adults want their parents to talk to them about sex, but only 15% of parents actually do.

How to help our next generation

1. Understand why they are hooked 

As a parent, educator or religious leader, we need to first approach a young person with curiosity, said Dr Ng.

“What function is porn providing them? After all, if porn is so popular, there must be some function, right?”

Whether it is porn or an AI companion, until we know why a youth is turning to it, we will not be able to help fill the need with something else.  

This also allows us to call them to accountability in the context of a relationship.

“I’m interested in what function and what benefit this thing is playing in your life before I ask you to account for it,” said Dr Ng.

This is different from when we pursue “accountability like a loanshark” who is hounding for payments. 

“It creates a lot of anxiety in the young person reaching out to us. Socially, they’re anxious outside. Vertically, they’re also anxious in their interaction with us.”

2. Know why we want them to stay away 

“We need to strengthen the ‘why’,” said Dr Ng.

“Why is it that we want them to move away from certain things, and why do we want them to live life in a certain way?”

Parents, above all others, need to be the ones who have settled within themselves the ‘whys’.

“We need to have some sense of our spiritual roots. We cannot run away from asking ourselves basic questions: ‘Why do you not want your child to watch porn?’

“Are you able to articulate why? What then is better to watch than porn?’”

As parents venture into this area, they need to show their children that they “really have their genuine interest at heart, and (they’re) not just functioning from their own anxiety and preference”, added Dr Ng.

One of the dangers that was highlighted during the discussion is porn’s impact on brain chemistry. Photo from Depositphotos.com.

Porn is not merely something we view externally. It actually alters us from within, rewiring our brains and its neural pathways, said Joshua. This can lead to an addiction that is hard to quit.

“We require new, healthy neural pathways to be built in the brain to replace the neural pathway that’s been created by pornography. Unless we do that, it will be difficult to actually get out of it,” he explained.

Whatever the ‘whys’, none can be convincing without a moral framework.

The reality is that all of us are created as whole person, said Joshua.

“One of our components is actually our ethical component. Some call it spirituality. It speaks of our belief system, our worldview.

“If we remove morality, then I feel that we may be lacking somewhat in this holistic approach.”

3. Come alongside them

Instead of teaching them what to do, it is more effective to journey alongside youths to help them discern, shared Dr Ng.

This, rather than being dictatorial, would go down better with young people.

He offered a mental exercise that can help someone understand the dangers of removing morality from relationships.

“Think about a time when someone cheated you and betrayed you. Think about how painful it was.

“Before you think about exiting morality from relationships, remember the pain of being cheated on, when promises were not kept. That is the taste of relationships without morality.”

From there, we can then ask our young people: Are you sure you want your sexual relationships to be devoid of morality?

“So I’m not telling them but giving them an experience, meeting them where they are, and helping them recall a time when perhaps their parents or friend didn’t meet a promise.” 

4. Strengthen their ability to interact with others

The years of COVID seclusion have not helped a generation that is already isolated because of their deep involvement in the digital world.

As a result, we are growing a generation of youths whose “ability to read each other has decreased”, said Dr Ng.

They need to be taught how to strengthen human interactions, as well as how to be skilled in having conversations on more intimate aspects of life such as sexuality.

“We want to be able to model what healthy discussions on important things like values is actually like.”

5. Equip, don’t just limit

Asked if one way to protect youths is to limit access to smartphones, Dr Tsao said: “I think it’s great to delay smartphones, but that’s not the only thing.

“Parents really need to talk to their children about sexuality and the values behind it. Why do you not promote sex before marriage? Why should we not access porn?

“These are all important questions. To me, I think only a parent should address these with their kids.”

Echoing Dr Tsao’s point, Michelle said: “There is no way that we can make the environment that our child grows up in to be sterile, in the sense that they are completely sheltered from all the negative influences out there. I think that would be very unrealistic.”

While delaying smartphone access is a good start, she added that parents have to be proactively sowing seeds so that their children understand sex and sexuality well. 

“So that when they are out of your reach, they have this internal filter that would hopefully be able to help them assess and evaluate all the ideas that they will be exposed to and, hopefully from there, make good and healthy choices.”

At his opening address, Joshua presented a model of how healthy sexuality can be cultivated. Source: Focus on the Family Singapore

Parents can begin by helping their child develop a healthy identity. Once their identity is secure, he or she can go on to develop friendships and enjoy connections.

When those are properly established, intimacy – which goes beyond the physical to the relational and emotional – can take place. Only after that comes healthy sexuality.

6. Model your convictions

When parents are able to step forward and articulate their convictions, this can encourage their children to stand up for their own beliefs, said Dr Ng. 

Even as he regularly speaks on the topic of sexuality, he also tells his daughter: “I want you to see that your father put his best foot forward, fumbling in a controversial and difficult area, and give you the confidence that one day, you, too, can put a face and a name to your personal values and convictions.”

However, he also reminds parents that they can only do so much.

“Understand the limitations of our best effort and find the capacity to still put in our best effort.”

7. Rely on community

Urging parents to reach out for help and to rely on community for support, Michelle said: “If we’re hoping to raise our child to the best of our efforts, we really need to equip ourselves with not just knowledge, but the skills and also the community.”

One book she mentioned was Mama Bear Apologetics, which helps parents to prepare their children as they engage culture and wrestle with tough questions about the Christian faith. 

“We don’t have to do this alone. If we have others to journey alongside us, that will be better.”

RELATED STORIES:

Next-Gen sexual issues: How trends today are affecting the way youths approach sex and sexuality

Are you equipped to talk to your child about sex? Helping parents to create a culture of conversations

Sex, intimacy and marriage: How can parents model healthy sexuality?

“Mummy, what is sex?”: Tips on how to talk to your kids about the birds and the bees

The post Porn, AI companions and sexual experimentation: How can we help future-proof our youths? appeared first on Salt&Light.