my coworker asked out a coworker, got turned down, and now won’t stop badmouthing her

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I have a group of coworkers who I am rather friendly with. About a year ago, one of the members of this group (Josh) developed a crush on another employee who is not part of our social circle (Tiffany). Eventually he asked her out, but she declined. Josh was outwardly calm and appeared to take it well and have no hard feelings.

For a while, it seemed that the situation was done and over with. However, in recent months Josh has started showing a frighteningly hostile attitude towards Tiffany. He has never confronted her directly, but frequently vents his negative feelings about her towards other people. On multiple occasions, he claimed that she intentionally withheld work-related information from him. This arguably has happened once or twice, as opposed to the five or six times he alleged, and seemed to be a genuine mistake. Due to the nature of our work, sometimes it can be unclear which parts of the project should involve which people.

After learning that her salary was higher than his, he made dozens of bitter remarks about how unfair this is. He insisted that the quality of her work is overrated, and that “being pretty” and “hitting on the CEO” were the reasons why. It is true that Tiffany is a conventionally attractive woman and is one of the more extroverted and gregarious people in the office. But it’s a stretch to say that she is being flirtatious. One of Josh’s more outlandish accusations was that Tiffany is a “liar and hypocrite” because she offhandedly mentioned in breakroom chitchat that she believes in DEI initiatives but the following week he saw her eating Chick-Fil-A for lunch.

This is making me very uncomfortable. Josh used to be really nice and easygoing, but has become so belligerent. Even people who aren’t aware of the history (and even some people who aren’t particularly fond of Tiffany themselves) have noticed that he is unhappy with just about every single thing that she does, and that he is constantly looking for reasons to malign her. Josh always doubles down and insists that his recent behavior has nothing to do with her rejecting his advances, and that he is completely over that crush.

I don’t think I have sufficient grounds to escalate this to our manager, since I am not the target of this negativity. Furthermore, Josh has not actually done or said anything to Tiffany and is merely complaining about her. However, many of us are feeling like we have to walk on eggshells around him, and his constantly approaching people to vent about Tiffany is really bringing down the mood.

Should I say anything?

You absolutely have sufficient grounds to escalate this to your manager and HR.

Josh appears to be retaliating against a colleague for rejecting his advances. That’s sexual harassment and it’s a really big deal. In fact, I’d argue that you have not only the standing to escalate it, but also an obligation to.

Even if Josh is telling the truth that his hostility against Tiffany has nothing to do with her turning him down, he still seems to be engaged in an aggressive campaign of vitriol against a colleague, and that itself is concerning. In addition, his comments about Tiffany’s looks and her relationship with the CEO are offensive and insulting and take it pretty damn close to sexual harassment all on their own (and potentially all the way there).

When you include the rejection history on top of that, Josh’s behavior is frankly frightening.

I hope the rest of you are telling Josh to STFU when he starts in on Tiffany — but please take it a step further and alert someone above you to the entire history. This is not okay.